Tag Archive | uterus

Christmas carols, stellar parenting, and still an Old Whore

Have had some complaints about the blog-less-ness.  Sorry!  Am so overwhelmed by the holidays!  Am overwhelmed to the point of paralysis though, kwim?!  Sigh.

So, last week, the kids’ school had what they call ‘the Christmas Prayer’…it’s not like a concert or a pageant or anything.  It’s basically just in the church, kids singing, not on stage or anything. One hour max. Very low key. Perfect.  Seriously. Even *I* cannot bitch and moan about it. I actually have nothing mean or sarcastic to say!  It’s a Christmas Miracle!  LOL  I sit there and just soak in everything that is right about the holidays! All kids dressed up, cleaned up nice and pretty…singing their hearts out (except for the 6th grade — all mumbling and self conscious already?! Btw, this is my Garrett’s grade, so I can make the comment freely!) and just so sweet. They end with Silent Night…lights dimmed, candles flickering, me crying.  Every.Damn.Time.  Each year I say “I will NOT cry” and yet I cry!  Why?!  Maybe I have a heart after all?  Maybe there’s hope for me?

Nope.

Earlier that day, I showed my true colors. The Evil was out in full force. Mornings are tough around here. My firstborn and I are so alike, in all the worst ways. I think that God definitely has a mean sense of humor, giving me myself in male form…Sarcastic, sloppy, procrastinators. Garrett and I should just not speak to one another until noon.  He and I are Not-Morning.People. We are tired and grumpy and should be left alone.  The Frug and Peter bounce out of bed, happy, chatty, ready to start the day. I hate them. Anyway, this particular morning, we were running a bit late. I have to light a fire under Garrett, who wants to just stay in bed and moan loudly about how unfair life is. I *try* to stay pleasant, which goes against my very nature. Come ‘on, out of bed…time for breakfast…Peter is already up, dressed, fed, and has brushed his teeth.  G finally gets up and eats, bitching about which cereal I have selected. OMG, MOM! I hate this kind!  Never ever buy this again! We glare at each other. He stumbles up stairs, literally. It’s now 7:30am and we should be in the car. I have to start with the Let’s GO! Hurry UP! I mutter some minor expletives under my breath. He’s in there, gelling his hair. He is 11. He uses that God-Awful AXE body wash and deodorant spray and extra firm hair gel to spike his bangs up just so. OMG, MOM!  My hair is SO UGLY!  And now I have toothpaste on my shirt!  AAAHHHH  I can’t go to school!!!!!!! And then he throws himself back into his bed. Screaming about being too ugly.  HE.IS.A BOY. I end up shouting something like ‘Get the ()$&%%#* out of your bed RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!’ (insert which ever expletive you want…you won’t be too far off)

Yep, Best Mom Ever. Hope the Frug has some $$ put aside for therapy for his Mommy Issues.  Sigh.

Finally, despite my best efforts over the last few months, I still look like an Old Whore. I *do* have stellar eyelashes…but Old Whore with great lashes is still an Old Whore.  If I have the energy, I shall post later about the miracle that is Latisse, my current hair color, the state of my uterus, and the haggardness that is my face.

Merry Christmas. Grumble.

Weekend Musings

Was thinking of calling this Amusing Musings but then got wrapped up in ‘well, what if people don’t think they are amusing?” (as if! LOL)…then my mind went to ‘amuse-bouche‘…know what that is? Like an appetizer — but my mind went to amused BUSH…and, then I thought, well, MINE is certainly not amused…will give the State of the Uterus in a little bit…with ample warnings for the squeamish and/or male…

So, had the Bowling Party on Sat. night. You would not believe what I wore…a denim mini skirt, some sort of tee shirt and my Aniston-esque nude leg-lengthening heels.

I love these...gotta make the stumps look longer!

I love these...gotta make the stumps look longer!

Honestly, what kind of an Old Whore would wear that to her child’s 8th birthday party?? Yeesh. Looked whore-ish but at least my legs weren’t tree stumps, right? LOL and sigh.  Standard kiddie party…except for the Conga Line and mini-dance party 😉  Gotta love having a few little girls at a party…they *know* how to party! LOL  Minor Peter issue.  The child is VERY competitive. And a piss-poor loser.  (btw, I am neither one of these things…Frug? You?)  He won the first game…with odds heavily in his favor…used the little ramp thingy AND had one of us aiming the ramp AND loading the ball for him.  Well, round #2 ended w/him in 2nd place.  He had the nerve to CRY! WTH?  He knows he has CP…he knows that we are loading the deck for him…and he still cries?  I had to go all ‘tough love’ on him b/c I didn’t want him to embarrass himself in front of his friends.  And get this…the boys were so sweet and like ‘it’s okay, Peter’ to him.  What happened to a good old fashioned ‘dude, don’t be a baby!’??? LOL

Chit-chatted w/the moms while the kiddies bowled.  Thanks to my inappropriate attire I wasn’t  allowed to help Peter too much w/his bowling so I actually had time to chat!  The discussion turned to cute moms of whom we are jealous…I found out that one fun mom gets up and runs 4 miles in the a.m.  And she has 5 kids!  Another mom (of 6!!!!!) gets up at 4:30a.m. to TEACH a Boot Camp class like 4-5 times a week!!  images-2Have to say that I was awed.  But not inspired.  Knowing that made me feel very bitchy…and tired…and HUNGRY. LOL

Grumble.

Finished out the weekend w/the kiddies since the Frug went to a Ravens game.  We went to church (and it wasn’t even a Donut Sunday! LOL) and got a little ZING from the priest!  We saw him as we came out of the church…he greeted us, and said ‘you all look so comfortable’…hmmm, comfortable?  Not good!  Boys were just in khakis shorts and button-down shirts…I was in a cute teal dress…shoulders UNCOVERED and perhaps a little on the short side.  Imagine that 😉  The priest is one of the nicest human beings and still ZINGed me.  Sigh.  Could have been worse, I suppose.  He could have made a comment like ‘gee, so good to see you without a free donut in your hand’ 😉  LOLslobber...yummy donuts