I love Tina Fey!!!!
She is hilarious. Little Taylor Swift says ‘douche bag’! LOL I love the term douche bag. Horrifying and wrong and funny.
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I just love her. To be honest, I didn’t really ever give her much thought until the hideous incident w/Kanye West brought out the mama bear protectiveness in me! But, she really handled herself so well and now I love her! Anyway, she hosted SNL last night and just killed it. She sang a song…check out some of the lyrics:
– “I like writing songs about douchebags who cheat on me but I’m not gonna say that in my monologue.”
– “You might think I’d bring up Joe [Jonas], that guy who broke up with me on the phone, but I’m not gonna mention him in my monologue. Hey Joe, I’m doing real well. Tonight, I’m hosting SNL but I’m not gonna brag about that in my monologue. La la la. Ha ha ha. La la la.”
– “And if you’re wondering if I might be dating the werewolf from Twilight. Hey Taylor [Lautner]! (blows kiss, winks) But I’m not gonna comment on that in my monologue.”
– “You might be expecting me to say something bad about Kanye [West] and how he ran up on stage and ruined my VMA monologue. But there’s nothing more to say cuz everything’s okay. I’ve got security lining the stage. It’s my SNL monologue.”
Taylor finished off the song by saying, “We have a great show. Kanye West is NOT here, so stick around. We’ll be right back.”
Read more: http://justjared.buzznet.com/#ixzz0WHVjnDrJ
I know, I know, I am NOT going. F*ck me. However, here’s the little scenario that was going thru my head prior to my hopes being dashed by some ho who won’t do her job for me 😉
It’s SNL…Robert Pattinson makes a surprise appearance. They can’t have him host b/c of the media frenzy his hotness would cause. They have him in the Cougar Den. In full Edward Cullen mode. MMMMMM.
Anyway, it’s the Cougar Den. Funny skit they do with a bunch of NY (Brooklyn? some suburb with an annoying accent) cougwhores talking and being whores, etc. This time, they allow audience participation. I get to go on stage, with Edward (le sigh), and get to say and DO very inappropriate things.
Why can’t this actually happen?? And don’t try to talk to me about ‘the REAL World’ and ‘fantasy versus reality’, damnit.
Snuggie? Zin? Where are you??
(trying to embed a video and am failing miserably. Click here to go to hulu to see Alec Baldwin in the Cougar Den)
Mature (18+), Suggestive Dialogue, Offensive/Coarse Language, Sexual Content/References, Moderate Violence (implied or intended at least!)
Actually, this is what Kelly’s Superficial is rated overall…today is just very consistent w/my (ahem) ‘standards’!
So, it’s a F*ck Me Day. Sing ‘It’s a Hard Knock Life’ from Annie and substitute the words ‘f*ck me day’…sing it! “It’s a F*ck Me Day” No other words…just that. Why?
Woke up to the darkness and rain. F*ck me. Kids woke up late and crabby. B*tching about their breakfasts. Make your own damn breakfast, jerks! lol The Frug wakes up chipper every day. Amazing. We are such opposites! He dared to ask ‘soooo, what are you doing today?’ with the implication that perhaps I am doing NOTHING as usual…I bit back the reply I wanted to give which was ‘oh, sitting around eating bon bons while surfing the internet for naked Rob Pattinson pictures…then I may take a nap’…however, in the spirit of civility (or was it just fatigue?), I simply said ‘lots of stuff to do today, asshole‘ 😉 Dropped the devils off at school (they are safer there, trust me) and went to Target (which should transform it into a JOY day) to drop off the TWO prescriptions for Peter’s ‘folliculitis’ aka crotch rot and the @(&$@ pharmacy doesn’t open until 9am. Again, F*CK ME.
Next up for me? Doing a craft-y project for the kids’ school that I had been putting off for weeks now. And, naturally, it had to be done by TODAY. WHYWHYWHY do I do this to myself? I just can’t make myself ‘work ahead’ when I have the time…I have to wait and wait and then jam it out. Grumble. Anyway, I allotted 1 hour…it took FOUR. F*ck me. Involved lots of fine motor skills…cutting, pasting, editing text, printing, visual layout, etc. Ugh. Used ‘dry mount’ for the first time. BtFw, it is NOT dry! It is sticky and may just stay on my hands until I die. Tried regular soap/water…used ‘Goo Gone’, etc. Nothing worked. Now I have lemon scented hands w/clumps of dried glue…and, naturally, dog hair. The Goo is NOT gone. Thanks for nothing, Goo Gone. F*ck me. Went to eat lunch…couldn’t even pick up my sandwich without grossing myself out. Guess that’s one way to diet? LOL and heavy sigh.
Final (perhaps) complaint. (ha! who am I trying to kid? This is NOT my final complaint by a long shot! lol) So, I’m going to NYC in November (NO $&)@$& kids or Frug! woot!)…thought it might be fun to go see SNL…ever heard the expression ‘who do I have to f*ck to get (whatever)?’ Well, apparently you actually have to f*ck someone to get SNL tickets!!! Now, since I have that whole marriage/monogamy/fidelity thing going on, I am *out* of the equation. However, a friend of a friend has been known to bang a cast member or 2. So, it’s all good, right?! NO! Beyotch is all ‘I don’t feel comfortable asking him for tickets’. Annoyed. Doesn’t she know ‘I’m kind of a Big Deal’ and she should take one for the Kelly’s Superficial team?? Apparently not. Hmph. More on this SNL biznaz later.
Time for some wine and my Snuggie.
Precious Ashley Angel asked me to write about our Aunt “Sage”…yes, I am using a pseudonym for her…why? Catholic Guilt I suppose! Won’t be as evil if I don’t use her real name, right?! People who have known me a long time know of her. She would send these amazing care packages to me when I was in school. She worked for a large consumer products company that had yummy fatty snack foods! My roomies and I would pig out for days ! LOL She would also send $$ for which I am eternally grateful. If you need a bailout, call Aunt Sage. She’ll cough up the $$ but at what cost? You see, she is not a Saint, really. She is what I have always called Old School Irish. She is a very devout Catholic. She loves the Kennedys. She loves the Notre Dame Fighting Irish! She is a also keeper of Secrets, a Grudge Holder, and a rare ‘Grave Stomper’! A Grave Stomper isn’t commonly known…it’s like someone who has so grievously wronged you that when he dies you have to go stomp on his grave! I know! It’s hardcore!
She is an interesting woman. She will give you the shirt off her back, literally. She gives gifts like you have never seen before. Christmas at her house is craziness. The woman spends thousands of dollars on our sorry a$$es every year. But, I think she keeps a ledger. Like “Gifts Given V. Gifts Received”. Gifts Given is kept very up to date and she can quote how much $$ she has given someone no matter how many years has passed. She gave me the down payment on my first car back in 1988 and she brings that up a few times a year! Now, Gifts Received…sigh…she is an awful gift recipient…she hates everything. She used to keep an entire closet ,’the Chifferobe’, where she kept her Christmas gifts, still in their boxes…never used. Occasionally, she would go into the Chifferobe and give you something back that you had given her! After my mom died (see her Book of Grievances!), she decided to empty out the Chifferobe…it was a ReGiftapolooza! Frustrating though. Don’t send her flowers! Don’t send her balloons! It’s all CRAP! But send her something or she will stomp on your grave! Another ledger kept is her “Book of Grievances“…she can recall any and all slights starting from the year she was born. I know that on the day she dies there will probably be an entry from that very day! Severe Grudge Holder.
When Ash asked me to write about our adored Aunt, I didn’t know what to write…just what kind of Whore is she?? 🙂 Never married, lived w/her mother all her live, dedicated to the Church…Religious Whore? No. Bad. CatholoWhore??? That’s all kinds of Wrong…I mean, we all know I am going to burn in Hell, why add more fuel to the fires of Hell? Sooooo, Ash came up with this one. I must give her credit. It actually applies to many people, young and old, any kind of religion…I give you: Priestentious!
This is the person at Church who knows all the priests and all the prayers…she judges you on when you arrive at mass and how loudly you pray…she sits in the front pew…she is the first to loudly say ‘Good Morning, Father!’ and the first in line for Communion.
“Nice of you to join us…Mass starts at 10:30, not 10:34. Hmph.” she sniffed priestentiously.
“Oh, I had such a wonderful time talking w/Monsignor Tim and Father Joe at dinner. It’s a shame you don’t know them as well as I do.”
(think Dana Carvey in SNL as the Church Lady)
“Sage” would always take me to Church when I would visit in the summers. I was so embarassed by how unbelievably loud she was…and a beat ahead of everyone else. I realized later that it was so everyone would know that she was more Catholic/better than they were! She was horrified at my dad’s and brother’s funerals b/c half of the family did not know when to stand/kneel/sit…her piercing blue eyes were lasering all of us! LOL And, when Ash’s non-Catholic mom received Communion??? You would have thought Pam had stripped naked and sang show tunes in the middle of church! Horrified! 😉
I also think priestentious applies to people with large families who see me with my 2 kids and just *know* that I am using some form of BC that does NOT involve examining my cervical mucous! (non-Catholics…please don’t ask…you do NOT want to know!) It’s also for people who seem to take attendance at Mass. For people who notice that my family’s attendance appears to be tied closely to Donut Sundays (Krispy Kremes after church, baby! woot!)…
Know anyone like this?
Seriously though, Old Auntie Sage is one of a kind. She’s the last of her family, the last of her kind.