Tag Archive | melf

Cougar Maintenance

Had a call from “Debbie” today.  She and I have been trading messages for a while now. So frustrating when you really want to talk to someone but LIFE gets in the way!  Anywho, she left me a voice mail today, wanting to talk to me about Cougar Maintenance.  Couldn’t take her call b/c that was exactly what I was doing!  I was getting a mani/pedi (Midnight in Moscow – LOVE) and getting the brows, and other unmentionable bits, waxed.  Maintenance.  So important.

Now, I don’t refer to myself as, or even consider myself to be, a cougar.  I am not on the prowl, after all. (well, if RPattz was in NYC this weekend, perhaps that moniker would fit! (lol and truly not kidding)  I do strive to be more of a MELF. (remember, the E is for EVERYONE!)  Because, as a serious upstanding married mother of 2, it’s cool to be desired like a MELF but not to be on the prowl like a cougar! 😉

Back to Maintenance.  When Debbie and I talked, she told me her free time (limited thanks to the happy surprise of Baby #3!) is spent on Maintenance.  This week it was hair cut and highlights and a mani/pedi complete w/callous removal and paraffin.  Last week, it was a microdermabrasion/facial.  Then, she also has her bi-weekly sessions with her personal trainer.  All this to just BE.  Not for an occasion, just to not look like sh*t, kwim?

When the Frug bitches about the “Kelly-Grooming” budget category that is OUT OF CONTROL, I ask him to consider the alternative.  Does he want me to look like one of those (shudder) Granola Moms w/the out of control grays, no make-up, wearing Crocs, etc.??  What if I didn’t get my hair done? The grays would overtake the browns within a month.  What if I didn’t get pedicures?  Those piggies would become hooves.  Aging is not pretty even on the feet, my friends.  Ever look at an Old Lady’s toes/feet?  Good Lord.  The waxing of the brows?  Does he want me to have a unibrow?  I have had one before, and believe me, if it wasn’t a good look at 14, it sure as hell isn’t good on a 43 year old.  The ahem other waxing?  Well, let’s just say that looking like a gorilla is not good for sexay times…which makes it an APPROVED expense, right?  Seriously, it’s money well spent.  Are you with me, sistahs??

Have submitted Cougar Maintenance to Urban Dictionary.  It has been APPROVED and will be published in the next couple of days.  Here’s a preview:

Cougar Maintenance:

The mani/pedis, the highlights, workouts, facials, waxing, botox, etc. that keep Cougars ‘in the hunt.’ Otherwise, without said Cougar Maintenance, the Cougar risks looking like an Old Whore.

“Where’s Tina today? Oh, she had to go for some Cougar Maintenance at the spa.”

“Did you see Rachel? Girlfriend better go do some Cougar Maintenance.”

MILF/MELF? Cougar/Cougwhore? Old Whore? Sea Hag?

Sigh. Trying to define these terms…and decide the differences between them when there are such similarities between them all. Btw, I like MELF rather than MILF. I would much rather be one whom EVERYONE would like to f*ck than just be limited to the *I*! LOL

Btw, Urban Dictionary also has MELF as this:

slang acronym similar in usage to milf which means “Midget or Elf I’d Like to Fuck”

“Check out that midget.”
“Yeah, that’s one hot MELF.”

Hilarious and BAD! LOL  Makes me think of Chelsea Handler. And I do love her. Read her book ‘Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and laughed til the white zin came out of my nose. There’s a chapter about when she meets a Little Person who looks just like her. Almost as funny as her being body-cavity-searched in a LA jail…


So, I think that a Cougar can transition into a MELF after recovering her hotness apres the gory ravages of pregnancy and childbirth. A friend also said that cougars, by her definition, are preying on men at least 10 years younger than they are. I can see that.  However, I also see the Cougwhore being a major manhunter.  Older or younger, she is looking for some ack-shun. Saw some cougwhores at the Starboard in Dewey, prime hunting grounds. (btw, the Sea Hags appear to prefer the Rusty Rudder for their antics) They looked good. Well preserved but perhaps a bit too preserved and too well-dressed for the venue. One of them was wearing this awesome halter top from South Moon Under:

fierce halter top seen on Cougwhore at Starboard

fierce halter top seen on Cougwhore at Starboard

But, it was just a bit much for the Starboard. Would have been better out in a fun club in NYC or even DC. The other comment about the ladies was the botox. Just a bit too much. They had a those eyebrows that are just a little bit too far apart. Adds to their feline predator aura. If I were a guy I would be scared! Nothing wrong with botox at all. I hear (ahem) that it can look very good and natural if it’s done judiciously.

The Frug and I were blatantly checking them out. I was very pleased to get a side eye from one of them as she checked out my SHOES!  The ones I am in love with and wearing even though it’s not fall yet. Check ’em out!

Kelly's Faboo Shoes!

Kelly's Faboo Shoes!

The Frug LOVES them too. And, since I used my 20% birthday coupon from South Moon Under, they were a steal, right?! LOL  Wore them with a simple tee and possibly too short skirt…I will def. wear these all fall and winter with jeans. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

So, where was I? I think I am ready to continue to my own category, the Sea Hag. which, in my eyes, is just an Old Whore by the Sea! I have moved on from Old Whore-ishness to Sea Hag by virtue of my extra blonde hair and sun damaged skin. We did notice that the Sea Hags are usually drunk and having fun. So, they look like shit but are enjoying life…not bad, right?! Kill.me.now.  The Sea Hags at the Rudder were wasted at 4pm and dancing to the steel drum band’s musicial stylings. Hmmm, and so was I! LOL  Just realizing that my new Fall goal is to return to being an Old Whore!  MELF-dom may be out of reach. That’s sad, no?  We shall see. I am determined to conquer this hair color problem and the sun damage (will be using TriLuma and getting either microderm or peels – which?) and hitting the gym more often…pray for me! LOL

From MELF to Sea Hag in 7 Short Days

I have to say WTF to myself. I arrived at the beach in decent shape, hair under control (in need of some root touch-up but not terrible), skin okay…flash-forward to today…arrived home probably 5 lbs. up, no exercise in 7 days – f.l.a.b.b.y., hair HUGE and YELLOW and fried despite hair products guaranteed to protect against color fade-age and damage, skin blotchy and sun damaged despite SPF 70 and lots of time spent under a beach umbrella….

In every pic w/Ashley, I look like an Amazon Sea Hag trying to steal her youth and devour her soul…btw, her new nickname (can’t take credit, damnit) is Polly Pocket…she is so tiny, you can fit her in your pocket. Large bitches like me are mad jealous of tiny bitches like her! LOL and yet absolutely not kidding.

Had a tee-rif time. Too much alcohol. Delicious Coconut Crushes…made w/freshly squeezed OJ and Coconut Rum…The Frug says it tastes like suntan lotion but F him, kwim! LOL Drink your Miller Lites and let Mama have her fruity drank! LOLOL Too much food. All yellow and beige this week…meaning FRIED like my hair! Fried Shrimp, Fried Chicken, French Fries…the capper? Funnel Cakes on the Boardwalk last night…with a teeny tiny Kohr Bros choc. dipped vanilla cone. Slobber…. Wait! Had tomato sauce…on the Grotto pizza I ate DAILY. It counts, right?!

More later with my thoughts on beach house rentals and people who vomit on the carpet and do NOT clean it up…water parks…large families who think they should rule the world (or at least be able to take all tables in restaurants, cut in front of you in lines, and be LOUD as they screech futile orders at their snot nosed offspring)…

Will post my Fall Goals soon…to include taking OFF that Fried Food Five pounds and toning my hair AND ass AND ridding myself of this sun damaged skin. Someone warn the Frug that “Kelly Grooming” is gonna be way Over Budget this Fall!