FINALLY seeing some progress from Ms Simpson. Here she is at LAX, flying off to be interviewed by Katie Couric (New show for Katie!! And I hear the elusive E L James is going to be on soon too!)…anyway, looking much improved…big smile on her face…huge mane of gorgeous-yet-always-pageant hair…her thighs are looking much slimmer…which made me wonder if Spanx is making leggings these days…they totally should, right?!
Anyway, here’s a gem from my Michael K:
“…Weight Watchers will mummify her in Spanx, wrap her in a full-body girdle, cover the girdle with plastic wrap and then vacuum seal her so tight that she’ll have to learn how to breathe through her ear holes. During Katie’s show, a translator who is fluent in Morse code through blinks will stand next to Jessica, because she’ll be sucked in so tight that she won’t be able to move her mouth so she’ll have to communicate by blinking.”
Oh no. Please tell me we aren’t going to be subjected to another round of Jess has a hot body and here she is in her Daisy Dukes and then oh no, she’s fat again! Actually, I take that back. I LOVE when celebs fall off the diet bandwagon! muahaha Makes me feel better about myself 😉
In the above pic, doesn’t it look like her fiance is getting a gut? And even though Jessica looks better, that is NOT a flattering outfit.
Oh, hello there, Jessica! Or should I say MOO? Kind of ironic that she’s on some sort of vegan diet right now and yet she looks so bovine. *snorts*
Didn’t she have a reality show that was about beauty being skin deep and different standards of beauty around the world etc? And now she announcing her latest diet? Hmmm. I like Jessica, really I do. She’s quite likable, in a vapid shallow way…maybe she should embrace her curves and go with it. Stop the dieting (and please stop ANNOUNCING the diets, it’s pathetic) and go with it. Her body is pretty, in a curvy ‘big girl’ way. Maybe she could be a plus size model? The only problem is that her face is PUFFED UP like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka…
I wrote this a year ago…and I think it still rings true! September is over – BBQs are over…the pools are closed…time to EAT, right? Moo.
The *@$&*@ Halloween candy been out on the store shelves since Labor Day basically. WAY TOO SOON. Oh, and it’s Football Season…let’s eat 7 layer dip on our couches and scream at the TV!!
thank goodness this does NOT appeal to me!
(and if you go to the games, it’s time for chili dogs and beers!) Next up, after we have eaten 357 bags of candy, is Thanksgiving…and there are the requisite lead-up-to-Tgiving events that require us to bake (and eat) even more pumpkin pie…just as you have digested your turkey and stuffing (what an appropriate word, right?), time to bake Christmas cookies!
butter+flour+sugar...the (un)Holy Trinity
Lots of parties aka foodfests to celebrate the birth of Jesus, right?! 😉 Oh, then let’s ring in the New Year w/more food and cocktails…nothing says “New Year” like a hangover and indigestion. January is the Playoffs and the Superbowl gluttonfest, so more beer, more chicken wings, more fat! Valentine’s Day? Bring on the (&$@ candy again! Go out to a ‘special dinner’ and gorge yourselves. Ugh. And, at some point during all of this, the (@&$@ Girl Scout cookies arrive. Damn the Girl Scouts and their delicious Thin Mints and Tagalongs.
I hate the Girl Scouts with a passion
Easter? A religious celebration or another excuse to trot out the candy bowl? Grumble. When is it NOT “Eating Season”? The summer? Is it Bikini Season or is it about cookouts, cocktails, crabs, and boardwalk food???
Not sure why I am on this rant today. Maybe it just seems like we’re all doomed to be fatties.
nice tee shirt
I wonder if all this food is just an American thing?? Is there a Season of Gluttony in other cultures??
Well, I am NOT buying the Halloween candy until 10/31 this year, damnit. I am NOT going to care what the selection is that day or whether it’s a good price. I cannot start off the ‘holiday season’ by buying the Halloween candy early…we all know what happens…let’s open the bag and maybe just have one tiny piece…repeat…repeat until bag is empty…MOO.
If this has been ‘the Summer of Death’, this week is my ‘Week of Insults’…and sadly, none were delivered by me. They were rained UPON me. A very nasty reversal of fortune for me — LOL.
I shall begin with the most minor one. Had my semi-annual dentist appt. Had a very thorough, although not brutal, hygienist. After she was done with the scraping and poking, she busied herself behind me w/paperwork and whatnot while we waited for the dentist to sign off on me, so to speak. Which bugs me, btw. The hygienist does ALL the work. The dentist comes in and looks in your mouth for a second and he gets all the glory 😉 So, anyway, she asks me ‘have you ever whitened your teeth?’…she cannot see my narrowed eyes since she is behind me…I say ‘yes, I have bitch’ Then she asks ‘have you considered doing a touch-up?’ Lucky for her that she cannot see the wrathful eye lasers that could vaporize her where she stands…’perhaps’ I reply icily…
So, yellowed fangs. Cool. Good to know.
Next up, the scene is a bagel shop. I go in and order my standard Diet Coke and an onion bagel, toasted w/butter…no disgusting cream cheese, ugh. I felt semi-cute today…wasn’t wearing my Target workout gear at least! Had on a purple/blue sort of tie dyed tee w/a lovely coordinating scarf. The girls behind the counter were speaking Spanish…and I realized that they were talking about ME. B*tches! Here’s what they said:
Girl #1: Mira la camiseta de ella…Girl #2: Los colores son bonitos…Girl #1: …pero mal para otoñoLoosely translated…Girl #1: Look at her tee shirtGirl #2: The colors are prettyGirl #1: But wrong for Fall!I wanted to gallop up on a horse like Ben Stiller in Anchorman and scream : “Como Estan B*TCHES!”
okay, couldn't find the horse pic
I mean, HOLA, they weren’t speaking Mandarin Chinese or anything obscure…it’s Spanish. Peter probably could have translated it. I gave them a glare that said ‘listen beeches, it is NOT Fall yet, it’s not even Labor Day! And btw, F you!’ All this was said silently, delivered w/the blue steel lasers I call eyes.
Okay, so yellow fangs AND apparently wearing a shirt w/colors unsuited for the season? Harrumph.
Moving on. This one stings. When I took Pedro to OT the other day, there was the cutest little boy in the waiting room. I have seen him a number of times. LIke a tiny cherub w/a mop of red curls and a sweet smile. But when he opened his mouth and spoke to me, I realized he was actually Satan. He looked up at me, smiling, pointed his chubby finger at me and loudly said “PIG!” WTH? He smiled again, and said again, “PIG!”…I was stunned…I looked at his mother who was sitting there smiling. I had to ask ‘um, did he just call me a PIG?’ She said ‘oh no, he has speech issues…he meant PINK for your shirt’ Which, btw, was NOT pink, it was coral-ish. But, okay, maaaayyybeeee I could let him live b/c toddlers don’t know the color coral, right? The OT came out then and he pointed at her and said ‘not pig’…she wasn’t wearing pink either BUT she is much thinner than I am…hmmmm. Jury is out on this one 😉
Total? Yellow teeth, bad fashion choices, AND am a pig. Excellent.
So, after being mocked and insulted by the masses this week, I really need Brad. I need him to forget that the AmEx bill came. I need him to hold me, look at my sun-ravaged face, gaze into my nearly sightless eyes, stroke my straw-like hair and tell me how pretty I am. But, alas, he is at his weekly meeting of the Love Handles Club for Men. So, it’s Edward Cullen AGAIN 😉
If it’s the KIDS who were headed back-to-school today, why wasn’t *I* able to sleep last night?? Tossing and turning worrying about their new teachers…would they *get* my quirky boys? Would they TRY to get them or just dismiss G as another crazy undisciplined boy and Pedro as ‘special’ so go sit in over there and be special while I teach the normal kids??? Then, more ridic thoughts like will they like ME as a parent…will they try to avoid me in carpool?? “Oh Shit! There’s Peter’s mom…don’t make eye contact!” I wonder if there is a file on us…oh, them…they are too _____ (overbearing, obnoxious, in denial, loud, gossipy….)
Had an OH SHIT moment last night…somehow G’s waist has grown! Too many chips and video games perhaps?? Stuffed him into his uniform shorts and shoved him out the door. Will deal w/that later today. He isn’t too young to do sit-ups, is he? Perhaps he and I can do them together! He also, being very cool and 11 now, wants his uniform shorts to ride low on his hips and go past his knees. Um, G? It’s Catholic school, not a music video, kwim?? Also had to convince him not to gel his hair into a faux-hawk. Yes, my little angel wants a faux hawk. He has no idea that that’s what it is, he just likes spending time in the bathroom obsessing about his hair 😉 He did let me pop the pimples on his nose last night…much to my great joy!!!! He was walking around with little white caps on his nose and refused to let me get my hands on them til last night! I do think he is too young for that…maybe sunscreen and chip related?! Maybe we all need a back-to-school makeover! G and I will workout and get facials! LOL
Now, Pedro…all worried today about having a fire drill! He hates the fire alarm noise. The child’s voice is louder than any fire alarms i have ever heard but somehow this bothers him!?! Oh well. He is part of a special group of kids that gets taken out of the school before the alarm is pulled…sure hope they remember that. Otherwise they will be treated to the saddest sad face ever. He can morph his face into the Scream face
Oh no! A fire drill!
…it gets all long and distorted…and he cries the fattest tears you have ever seen. Grow up, pally! It’s just a fire drill! LOL
Well, with them in school I will have more time to blog, time to clean the house, walk the dog, etc. HA! Who am I kidding?! More time to be a sloth! haha And, more importantly, more time to read/watch Twilight naked.
I have to say WTF to myself. I arrived at the beach in decent shape, hair under control (in need of some root touch-up but not terrible), skin okay…flash-forward to today…arrived home probably 5 lbs. up, no exercise in 7 days – f.l.a.b.b.y., hair HUGE and YELLOW and fried despite hair products guaranteed to protect against color fade-age and damage, skin blotchy and sun damaged despite SPF 70 and lots of time spent under a beach umbrella….
In every pic w/Ashley, I look like an Amazon Sea Hag trying to steal her youth and devour her soul…btw, her new nickname (can’t take credit, damnit) is Polly Pocket…she is so tiny, you can fit her in your pocket. Large bitches like me are mad jealous of tiny bitches like her! LOL and yet absolutely not kidding.
Had a tee-rif time. Too much alcohol. Delicious Coconut Crushes…made w/freshly squeezed OJ and Coconut Rum…The Frug says it tastes like suntan lotion but F him, kwim! LOL Drink your Miller Lites and let Mama have her fruity drank! LOLOL Too much food. All yellow and beige this week…meaning FRIED like my hair! Fried Shrimp, Fried Chicken, French Fries…the capper? Funnel Cakes on the Boardwalk last night…with a teeny tiny Kohr Bros choc. dipped vanilla cone. Slobber…. Wait! Had tomato sauce…on the Grotto pizza I ate DAILY. It counts, right?!
More later with my thoughts on beach house rentals and people who vomit on the carpet and do NOT clean it up…water parks…large families who think they should rule the world (or at least be able to take all tables in restaurants, cut in front of you in lines, and be LOUD as they screech futile orders at their snot nosed offspring)…
Will post my Fall Goals soon…to include taking OFF that Fried Food Five pounds and toning my hair AND ass AND ridding myself of this sun damaged skin. Someone warn the Frug that “Kelly Grooming” is gonna be way Over Budget this Fall!