I just have to copy/paste all of the snarky fun…and, side note, why am I not married to Michael K?
“These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could’ve rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.
Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim’s 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.
And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.”
The whoriest whores of the Illuminati
These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame.
Kim and Kanye Kardashian’s never-ending attention whore tour
Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.
… in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up)
FINALLY seeing some progress from Ms Simpson. Here she is at LAX, flying off to be interviewed by Katie Couric (New show for Katie!! And I hear the elusive E L James is going to be on soon too!)…anyway, looking much improved…big smile on her face…huge mane of gorgeous-yet-always-pageant hair…her thighs are looking much slimmer…which made me wonder if Spanx is making leggings these days…they totally should, right?!
Anyway, here’s a gem from my Michael K:
“…Weight Watchers will mummify her in Spanx, wrap her in a full-body girdle, cover the girdle with plastic wrap and then vacuum seal her so tight that she’ll have to learn how to breathe through her ear holes. During Katie’s show, a translator who is fluent in Morse code through blinks will stand next to Jessica, because she’ll be sucked in so tight that she won’t be able to move her mouth so she’ll have to communicate by blinking.”
Sorry to be blunt but c’mon!! She says she didn’t realize that all the weight didn’t come off when you had the baby. WHAT?! Just how stupid is she??????? You start off at 130, end up at what looked to be 200, and your baby weighed 10 lbs. Hmm, I’m not a math person but there’s a good 60 lbs unaccounted for there. Probably more b/c she is a liar too! lol
Enjoy the pic of Jessica’s epic EPIC rack. You could just pop those bad boys with a pin and milk would explode outta them! Impressive.
Here’s a snippet of Michael K’s golden words about Jess just being a regular girl trying to lose the baby weight:
“I’m just your everyday woman…” Heffa, shut your mouth on a loaf of Weight Watchers banana bread, because you ain’t an everyday woman. As far as I know, everyday women aren’t paid millions of dollars to lose weight and don’t have an unemployed husband who can take care of the baby while she walks in place as her private chef makes her lunch. Bitch can call herself an average woman when I see her doing crunches in her cubicle before eating a lunch of broccoli slop that she tried to steam in the break room microwave.
An excerpt from his “article” on Jennifer Aniston’s man:
But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it’s a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you’d think that Jennifer would’ve shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he’ll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she’s already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.
Michael K!!! My God I LOVE him! He calls Angie a “bag of bones” and a “succubus” with “whore pit vipers crawling under her skin“!!!! And he finished her off with “I bet that dress smells like cold death, dried tar and black licorice.”
How does he come up with this stuff?!?! And please don’t stop!
Excuse while I die laughing. I know you yogurt lovers are all gagging…but since I haven’t eaten yogurt since the who-forgot-to-check-the-expiration-date-on-the-yogurt incident of 1979, I find this gross yet effing hilarious…
Thanks to Michael K for his poetic prose, as always…
Don’t you just hate it when you’re slurping on a cup of yogurt and all you taste is cum? Or is it, don’t you just hate it when you’re slurping on a dick and all you taste is yogurt? I get the two confused a lot. Well, the former is what happened to a woman in Albuquerque and I guess she’s the type who screams “dontcumdontcumdontcum” when she feels her man’s dick twitch during oral, because she spit that mess out and called the 911. The Smoking Gun reports that the 28-year-old New Mexico woman was shopping in the cereal aisle at the Sunflower Farmers Market with her daughter when a store employee named Anthony Garcia kept pushing a yogurt sample on her. The woman put it in her mouth and instantly knew something in the milk was JIZZ! The woman’s statement to the police is priceless: “I spit it out on the floor many times cuz I was upset. (The manager Catherine Flores) told me it was a Greek yoghurt. People love it, it has lot of protein on it.” That’s a really a good cum-on line.
Anthony Garcia denied that he squirted his own fermented ball leche into the woman’s sample. But when police tested the sample, the results came (I need to stop already) back positive for cum. A judge issued a warrant for DNA and blood samples from the perverted Dannon cum dumper to see if he has any diseases the woman should be worried about.
It’s a good thing the woman knows her shit, I mean semen, because most people would’ve figured it was just goat milk yogurt and kept eating it. If Top Chef ever does a semen-based recipe challenge, they know who to get as their main judge.
This woman is my hero of the day, because she proves to all of us that we need to study cum closely. You never know when someone’s going to cum in a cup and call it yogurt.
In other news, the police escorted both Paris Hilton and John Travolta out of Sunflower Farmers Market in Albuquerque after they refused to stop trolling around the cereal section.
(with apologies and love to Michael K, I am copying and pasting his beautiful prose…I bow down to his greatness)
Believe it or not, Lady Gwyneth Paltrow really does hear the BITCH BOOOOOS coming from the other side of her castle wall while she gracefully strolls through the gardens and picks organic cabbage roses to make scented water for her downstairs guest powder room because that’s the sort of thing all working mothers do. Fishsticks knows that bitches try to throw shade on the sunshine and enlightenment she’s spreading across the world through GOOP. All the cuntified hate almost drowned GOOP for good, but then she realized that haters are gonna hate no matter what. In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK (via UsWeekly), Fishy says that an old man in Italy is the one who gave her the strength to go on!
“Any time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you. That’s totally fine. I don’t care. I don’t read any of it. My thing with Goop has always been, if you don’t like it, then don’t log onto it. There were a couple of times when I thought ‘I’m just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don’t want to do it.’ But then I was like, ‘Who cares what some lame person out there says?’ I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, ‘I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.’ And that is so worth it to me.”
If she switched out “sincerity” for “pretentious superiority,” the bitch would be speaking the truth! And you know that “old man in Italy” was Apple in a white beard and a straw hat. Fishy’s lady-in-waiting made Apple do it to cheer the GOOP up. But did Apple really have to make Fishy sound like the ambassador to Nashville? We’ll just call Nashville “Goopville” from now on!
The thing is, THIS BITCH actually thinks that she’s helping the public at large with her words and tips of wisdom. If GOOP was called The Rich Ladies Guide To Being Better Rich Ladies and if Fishsticks pulled her head out of her GOOPHOLE to see how most of the world lives, I wouldn’t have a problem with her ass. Bitch is out of touch.
In a recent edition of GOOP, Fishy wrote about how all of us should really do an after-holiday cleanse and then she recommended this bullshit product that cost $450!!!!! It’s like this head-in-the-ass ho doesn’t know that most people need that $450 to pay an overdue electric bill and buy a box of ramen noodles at Costco for the week. Not all of us can afford to shit for $450. If Fishy simply declared, “I’M RICH, I’M WHITE, I’M FAMOUS, I’M AN OSCAR WINNER, I’M BETTER THAN YOU AND I’M LOVIN’ IT!“, I’d join her fan club.
Oh, and because you needed to know, Fishy is best friends with Beyonce:
“In England, people are cool. They’re really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you’re driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that’s against the law. They can’t put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids’ faces. I miss America, but I love living in the UK.”
Lady GaGa lives her life like she’s stuck in the worst episode of Work of Art, so it’s no surprise that she’s asked the makers of her bottled odor to give her something that smells like blood and semen. This is whatFashionista is hearing anyway. They say that CaCa is working on her first fragrance and she really wants you to smell like you’ve just had period sex.
OMFG. For the love of God, WHY? Why would anyone even THINK something this horrifying?? Makes me like the idea of smelling like Brit Brit or Jessica Simpson…’cause anything, LITERALLY, anything would smell better than that-which-I-shall-try-to-erase-from-my-brain-now. *vomits*