Looking for a sign

I’ve been obsessing over this for a while. Yes, I know I tend to obsess over superficial crap but this is a serious one. Why can’t we know, or realize, when “this is it“…the last time for something or the last time you’ll ever see someone… so you’d take a moment to make that moment special or something. So you don’t spend your life wondering why didn’t I stop to appreciate that??

Like, when my mom was near the end with cancer and I left her house, we said good bye, I thought “maybe this is it?” but my mind wouldn’t really accept that . And you can’t really say to a dying person, “Well, I’ll probably never see you alive again, so bye“…kwim?  And yes, that was it. I never saw her alive again.

We just had the most amazing vacation. A bucket list one, for sure. Paris, Paros (Greek island), Athens…2 weeks. Before we left, I had a huge list of last minute Things To Do. Very important things, of course. Mani/pedi, waxing, all the important grooming.  One major item was to take Otis to boarding. It was pretty much the last thing to be crossed off the list before we jetted off.

Drove 40 minutes to the boarding place. Yes, had to take him to a special place because he’d been thrown out of all the good local ones. lol sigh. Got him out of the car, walked in, and the handler said “I’ll just take him back while you do the paperwork.” And then he was gone. Just walked away, black tail wagging happily. No good bye petting or anything. Standard drop-off. I had that niggling feeling in the back of my head about it though.

And yes, that was the last time I ever saw him. My sweet baby Otis died while we were in Paris.

Naturally, there’s a long story to go along with this. The hard lumpy tumors on his skin that were cancerous but slow moving so “let’s deal with that when you get back from vacation.” The 2 tumors that turned into 5 then 7 then 14 in the space of 2 weeks. The tiny one under his tail that he licked at til it bled. And kept bleeding. And wouldn’t stop bleeding. The veterinary ER hospital. Calls back and forth from VA to Iceland. VA to Paris. Getting updates that were hopeful and the ones that weren’t.

RIP my black furry baby. I will miss you forever.


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11 thoughts on “Looking for a sign

  1. I too have longed for signs of “this is it”. I have just tried to make my time with my friends, family, and my pets as high-quality and meaningful as I can. I never skip telling my husband, my kiddo, my parents that I love them. In fact, someone I used to work with told me that “you sure say I love you a lot”. Perhaps he thought that by saying it frequently that it was over-played…I’m not sure. I know that each and everytime I do say it that it is heart-felt and real for me. Because you just never really know and signs aren’t always there…

  2. Never enough time.
    I know the heartbreak of not saying good-bye.
    He knew how much he was loved. All that stolen bacon was proof.

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