Archive | October 2013

I Spy Renee’s New Eyes!

Oookkkkaaaayyyyy. So, what gives? She did “something“…her forehead is super shiny and smooth which screams Botox, of course…but her eyes. Her eyes are totally different.




Something isn’t right. I think she looks “okay“…She needs some mattifier, as always. She needs to fill in her brows…it’ll be fine…

But…girlfriend needs to ‘fess up about what she did. And if she says “diet and exercise” or some bullshit, I will call her out!



Sweet baby Jesus. Colonoscopy prep is not for sissies. Drank the Devil’s juice til I was gagging and spitting up. #glamourgirl

Then spent hours sprinting back and forth to the loo.

This morning, I could barely get in the car because…




Well, after one fun panic attack, I was blissfully knocked out, scoped, photographed, and woke up.

HEALTHY! Nothing even remotely cancerous!  Woot! Well, the monkey ass is an issue but it’ll subside. One hopes. Hmm.

Side note, it is TERRIFYING how quickly the iv sedation works. One second I’m literally shaking with fear, the next I’m OUT. I mean, I’m glad but it’s a bit odd to think of how fast it is. Very science fiction-esqe. Huh, guess it’s just science? lol

Anyway, I am alive and shall live to blog about miscellaneous superficial nonsense another day.


*cue Psycho theme*

Welp, it’s been 5 short years since I last had my colon invaded with long flexible (Thank GOD it’s flexible, right?) tube that has also conveniently has a camera. (’cause hey, let’s take pictures!) To quote Alice from Twilight, “It’s time! It’s time!”

Yes, even when the topic is Super Colon Blow, all roads lead to Twilight.

Tomorrow during the day, I shall feast on clear broth and jello (but not my favorite “red” flavors since that might stain the interior of my bowels RED and that’s not healthy OR pretty.) Tomorrow evening, I drink poisonous sea water and shit my brains out.

Wednesday morning I shall be knocked out and anally violated. Photos will be taken.

Good times.

Envy me.


Fall 2013 Tour de Vapid

12:  “Hey Mom!  What did you do in New York?

Me:  “Oh, drank some prosecco, got my nails done, went to a really cool Sephora…

12:  *blank stare*

It was FUN, I swear!

Soooo *bouncy claps* I got my skin analyzed to find THE PERFECT FOUNDATION!

Have you seen the ads?


How cool does that look?!?!?!

Went to the Sephora in the Meatpacking District. Sadly, there is no Potato District, which would have been appropriate given my skintone AND my love of the potato, right? Found a lovely young man to use the skin IQ thingy on us. He “analyzed” a patch of skin on my forehead, cheek, and neck. It was processed and gave me an ID number of IY06.

Oh, before the Frug freaks, THIS WAS FREE. And there is no obligation to buy anything. Seriously.

That ID number can be entered in store, or on their website, to get a comprehensive list of foundations, tinted moisturizers, etc. geared to MY EXACT SKINTONE. It can be further customized by indicating “lighter” or “darker” for seasonal skin changes or desires, kwim? It’s like a little Kelly’s Skin Database. I can go in and further constrain the list by price point (#frugal), coverage, finish, special ingredients, formulations, etc.

This all made my superficial heart go pitter patter.

I just went online and searched for a medium coverage, radiant finish, liquid formula…I got a list of 8 possibilities. Prices ranging from $20 -$60. The one I think sounds fantastic is the Dolce and Gabbana Foundation Perfect Luminous Liquid Foundation (shade Creamy 80 is indicated as MY color IQ match)…then again, the Diorskin Nude Skin-Glowing Makeup sounds good too. Although I don’t like the sound of the color selected for me — Peach 023. I am NOT Peach…am I?

Next up, going to get a sample of these…screw the laundry!

Honestly, this whole thing has me tingly. Is that wrong??



Fruggy, Fruggy, Frug. *heavy sigh*

He went away for a few days this week. Visiting a friend in NC. While there, they went to some quaint shops, local artisanal places, kwim? So, one of the places was a chocolate shop. Hand made candy. Excuse me whilst I drool. Miracle of miracles, he brought some chocolate home with him. “Here, Cow. I bought this for you!


Dark chocolate with sea salt? Yes, please!

So, 12 comes up and says “Dad bought us chocolate!” and he grabs MY candy. I’m like “Um, BACK OFF, troll!” (I said this in a much nicer way…I think)

Me:  “FRUG! Where is the candy you bought for the kids?

Frug:  “Oh. I thought you all could share it.

All 3 ounces of it.

Me:  *incredulous stare*

Our “big gift” from trip is 1 ounce of chocolate each.

Be still my heart.


I Hate People and I’m Going to Hell

Filed under #notnews

I’m headed to New York, baby! ALONE! Woooooot! On the Acela! Thanks Frug!

So, yeah. People. They are so annoying. In contrast, I am sheer perfection, naturally.

Enjoying the loud business meetings going on around me. Boring business men being boring. Oh you are so so important!! *rolls eyes* This is why I retired! (That and being a terrible worker)

Woman next to me has been intermittently checking her email and crying. A nice person would ask her if she’s okay. A Kelly huddles closer to the window with her iPhone and prays for it to stop.

Currently need to pee desperately . However, getting up would require me to speak to the crying person and exchange pleasantries in order for her to get up/out of my way. *sighs* I shall hold it.

It appears that I’d rather piss myself than speak to another human.


Road Trippin’

Took one last trip to the beach this past weekend. Amazing. Like August but in October! The suck of it is that, although the weather is saying easy-breezy, the fall to do list is ever lurking in the back of my mind.

Had almost forgotten the joy of driving long hours with the family. I’m the driver, due to my control freakery and anxiety and the Frug’s inability to keep his hands on the wheel. Luckily, the family keeps themselves quietly entertained whilst I drive. Not.

Here are some of my favorite things:

“Cow, we should stop for lunch at XYZ sit-down extravaganza restaurant.”

“OMG! I am NOT waiting for my food. Restaurants are STUPID! I want Chik-Fil-A!”

‘OMG MOM! I’m STARVING!” (15 minutes after our lunch stop)

‘If I don’t get something sweet in my stomach, I am going to DIE!” *rifles through requisite snack bags apparently filled with the wrong snacks*

“Who farted???” (the boys sit with their legs up and disgusting bottoms facing the a/c so their noxious emissions spread rapidly thru the car)

“I need to pee!”

“I need to pee again!”

“Cow, we should drive across the country in an RV sometime. It would be a good family adventure.”

“MOM, I need money for…”

“Oh, by the way, I need these extra school supplies by 7:30 tomorrow morning.”

“OMG MOM! Why didn’t you pack the 2nd piece of my laptop charger??”

“Mom, did I pack my math binder?” (“I don’t know, did YOU??”)

“Can someone help me plug my head phones in?” (able persons ignore)

“Can SOMEONE help me plug my head phones in?” (able persons ignore)

“Can someone…” 


“Gee, Cow, you’re awfully irritable. How long is this ‘menopause’ thing going to last?”



zzzz zzz zzzz

Oh, and zzzz zzzzz.

This new schedule is kkkeeeeeellllliiiiinnngggg me.

(Those of you who are already early risers or *shudders* Morning People can look away)

Both boys need to be at different places at the same time. 12(!) used to have a 9am start time for school. He now has to be there at 7:30am. SEVENFUCKINGTHIRTY. He used to sleep til 8:20, wake up, have a leisurely breakfast, and then I’d drive him the 1 block to school (Hush. One cannot walk a child to school in jammies.)

Now, he is up at 6:30am. Bless his heart, he’s a bit of a Morning Person so it hasn’t rocked his world too much.

Sarcasmo used to get up at 6:45am to shower, eat, and work on his freaking hair til we had to leave at 7:25am.  He now gets up at 6:15am so he can be gorgeous by 7:10am. *rolls eyes* I would roll out of bed at 7, make sure he was up and ready-ish, pee, grab a DC, and go. Yes, in my jammies. Stop with the judgement.

Now, since 12 can’t really make his own breakfast (damn him), I actually have to get out of bed at the same time as he does in order to make him a nice breakfast. (Quiet down. A “nice breakfast” is like a bagel with peanut butter, a banana, a squeezy yogurt, and OJ) AND, he doesn’t like the school lunches so I have to make one. Honestly. It’s drudgery! lol

The Frug (who sleeps thru the morning rush, the bastard) is all “this new schedule is great” and “you’ll have a jump on your day“…


What I have is exhaustion. *whines* I need sleep! *whines* I’m not a Morning Person.  It takes me til around 10:30-11 to feel remotely human. Then I can start shuffling around and getting shit done. Gym, grocery store, another errand…

And that’s it.

Since the school day starts so freaking early, the day is over at 2:25pm. BAM.

Where is the Kelly Time? Where is the Sloth??


Where is my sanity?


*sips DC*

*eyes the sleeping cat on the bed*

*eyes the sleeping dog on another bed*


zzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz