An evil friend thought I’d “enjoy” checking out the latest in facials. I knew she was a bad seed, but now I’m putting her in her own special category. Note to self: Find spider gifs.
A SNAIL FACIAL.
This is the latest thing in terrifying-but-true things women will do to be “beautiful.” I thought the fish pedicure was over-the-top disgusting but this???
One of my fave lines in the article is “…has a team of fully trained “snail facialists” who will make sure the creepy crawlies don’t venture too near the nostrils, mouth and eyes.” Well, thank GOD for that, right?
*flaps hands* AAAHHHH!
My inner 12 year old enjoyed this:
As the snails move around the skin they leave behind a trail of mucus which is said to contain highly beneficial proteins, anti-oxidants, and anti-bacteria…and the results are instant and “overwhelming.”
Posted August 22, 2009. Could basically reiterate each word today…*sighs*
(copied it below for you lazy hoes who won’t click the link! haha!)
I have to say “WTF?” to myself. I arrived at the beach in decent shape, hair under control (in need of some root touch-up but not terrible), skin okay…flash-forward to today…arrived home probably 5 lbs. up, no exercise in 7 days – f.l.a.b.b.y., hair HUGE and YELLOW and fried despite hair products guaranteed to protect against color fade-age and damage, skin blotchy and sun damaged despite SPF 70 and lots of time spent under a beach umbrella….
In every pic w/Ashlee, I look like an Amazon Sea Hag trying to steal her youth and devour her soul…btw, her new nickname (can’t take credit, damnit) is Polly Pocket…she is so tiny, you can fit her in your pocket. Large bitches like me are mad jealous of tiny bitches like her! LOL and yet absolutely not kidding.
Had a tee-rif time. Too much alcohol. Delicious Coconut Crushes…made w/freshly squeezed OJ and Coconut Rum…The Frug says it tastes like suntan lotion but eff him, kwim??! LOL Drink your Miller Lites and let Mama have her fruity drank! LOLOL Too much food. All yellow and beige this week…meaning FRIED like my hair! Fried Shrimp, Fried Chicken, French Fries…the capper? Funnel Cakes on the Boardwalk last night…with a teeny tiny Kohr Bros choc. dipped vanilla cone. Slobber…. Wait! Had tomato sauce…on the Grotto pizza I ate DAILY. It counts, right?!
More later with my thoughts on beach house rentals and people who vomit on the carpet and do NOT clean it up…water parks…large families who think they should rule the world (or at least be able to take all tables in restaurants, cut in front of you in lines, and be LOUD as they screech futile orders at their snot nosed offspring)…
Will post my Fall Goals soon…to include taking OFF that Fried Food Five pounds and toning my hair AND ass AND ridding myself of this sun damaged skin. Someone warn the Frug that “Kelly Grooming” is gonna be way Over Budget this Fall!
Otis’s breath smells so ________ that I want to gag! To make him more kissable, I put some delightful minty breath product into his water bowl, just a tiny drop. Otis thinks it’s __________ so he will NOT drink it. Otis prefers __________ water from the toilet bowl! Especially __________ is the first morning pee from one of his ____________ human brothers who hasn’t flushed the __________ smelling pee away. Whoever came up with “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” has never smelled the _______ early a.m. pee around here! So, now we have a dog with _______ breath that also smells like __________ boy piss!
What a _______ day!
Thanks for playing!
**noting that expletives work nicely here too! Winning!**