Archive | August 2013

The HORROR! Avert Your Eyes!

Sweet Mother of Nightmares.

THIS was the first thing I saw today:


An evil friend thought I’d “enjoy” checking out the latest in facials. I knew she was a bad seed, but now I’m putting her in her own special category. Note to self: Find spider gifs.




This is the latest thing in terrifying-but-true things women will do to be “beautiful.”  I thought the fish pedicure was over-the-top disgusting but this???

One of my fave lines in the article is “…has a team of fully trained “snail facialists” who will make sure the creepy crawlies don’t venture too near the nostrils, mouth and eyes.”  Well, thank GOD for that, right?

*flaps hands* AAAHHHH!

My inner 12 year old enjoyed this:

As the snails move around the skin they leave behind a trail of mucus which is said to contain highly beneficial proteins, anti-oxidants, and anti-bacteria…and the results are instant and “overwhelming.

Snail trail. hehehe



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Convos with the Frug


Getting ready for Date Night last night. My top was just not working. I knew better than to involve the Frug but…who the hell else can I ask, kwim? *ponders the concept of sister wives*

I just needed to know what was wrong…

Frug: Maybe a belt?

Me: A BELT? *incredulous look*

Frug: Or, I don’t know, maybe a sash?


The hell?

Who wears a SASH? And how strange is that word coming out of a man’s mouth???

Then my mind wandered. As it is wont to do.

Prom Queens wear sashes. Hmm.

Then I remembered this…


Sent from my iPhone

These? Really?

Hammer pants are a thing now!?? Again? And not just as workout or nap wear?? I’m posting these pix of a certain someone here bc I know the ho doesn’t read my blog.



Reposting an Oldie but a Goodie…

From MELF to Sea Hag in 7 Short Days

Posted August 22, 2009. Could basically reiterate each word today…*sighs*

(copied it below for you lazy hoes who won’t click the link! haha!)

I have to say “WTF?” to myself. I arrived at the beach in decent shape, hair under control (in need of some root touch-up but not terrible), skin okay…flash-forward to today…arrived home probably 5 lbs. up, no exercise in 7 days – f.l.a.b.b.y., hair HUGE and YELLOW and fried despite hair products guaranteed to protect against color fade-age and damage, skin blotchy and sun damaged despite SPF 70 and lots of time spent under a beach umbrella….

In every pic w/Ashlee, I look like an Amazon Sea Hag trying to steal her youth and devour her soul…btw, her new nickname (can’t take credit, damnit) is Polly Pocket…she is so tiny, you can fit her in your pocket. Large bitches like me are mad jealous of tiny bitches like her! LOL and yet absolutely not kidding.

Had a tee-rif time. Too much alcohol. Delicious Coconut Crushes…made w/freshly squeezed OJ and Coconut Rum…The Frug says it tastes like suntan lotion but eff him, kwim??! LOL Drink your Miller Lites and let Mama have her fruity drank! LOLOL Too much food. All yellow and beige this week…meaning FRIED like my hair! Fried Shrimp, Fried Chicken, French Fries…the capper? Funnel Cakes on the Boardwalk last night…with a teeny tiny Kohr Bros choc. dipped vanilla cone. Slobber…. Wait! Had tomato sauce…on the Grotto pizza I ate DAILY. It counts, right?!

More later with my thoughts on beach house rentals and people who vomit on the carpet and do NOT clean it up…water parks…large families who think they should rule the world (or at least be able to take all tables in restaurants, cut in front of you in lines, and be LOUD as they screech futile orders at their snot nosed offspring)…

Will post my Fall Goals soon…to include taking OFF that Fried Food Five pounds and toning my hair AND ass AND ridding myself of this sun damaged skin. Someone warn the Frug that “Kelly Grooming” is gonna be way Over Budget this Fall!

Yeah, Being Grateful is for P*ssies

Eggs-haust-ed. (*waves to Rachel*)

Long day.

So…here’s what I did today:

At Beach

  • Unloaded dishwasher
  • Packed my bag..
  • Packed 11’s bag
  • Packed car (the Frug does it in an “artsy way” that irritates me so…)
  • I drove for all but 4 miles of the trip (BRIDGE!)

At Home

(they unloaded car which is nice)

  • Made lunch.
  • Put in a load of laundry.
  • Went to pet store (cat box stunk like wwhhoooaaa)
  • Grocery store.
  • Went to Dogtopia to get Otis. Not that he even really GAF that he was going home. Jerk.
  • 2 more loads of laundry.
  • Made dinner and then fielded myriad complaints about same.
  • More laundry.
  • More unpacking.

I swear, the trip home and the aftermath make that post-vacation glow a post-vacation low.


Ignore me. I’m tired and grouchy and constipated. lol

Last Night at the Beach…

…and I have monkey brain and CANNOT SLEEP! Aahh!

Decided to write a Grateful List because I’m generally bitching and UNgrateful…

  • Currently healthy.
  • Currently married (!)
  • Just had a week of amazing beach weather.
  • Got to spend a week enjoying the above rather than working in a coal mine or something. Or working at all. *shudders*
  • All relatives are healthy *side eyes all of them*
  • Got to watch Otis on the DoggyCam while we were away. So much humping. And sloth. The Black Beast naps a lot!
  • Did a little outlet shopping for OTHERS. *smug face at the Frug* #selflesswife
  • My roots are still “intact” for lack of a better word.
  • Same for the mani/pedi. And we all know a week of sun and sand can destroy the nails and toes.
  • Didn’t get sunburned. Thank you, SPF 50!

Oh, wait!

School starts in 2 weeks for Sarcasmo and in 2.5weeks for 11! *spins in a circle*

What else?

Happy that we’re going away for Christmas this year! Mexico baby! (That’s only 4 months away. You’re welcome)

Guess that’s all for now. Not a bad list for this ungrateful COW, right? Ha!

Now off to load the car and speed off to the Devil’s Bridge aka the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. *shudders*

“Rent a Beach House,” they said

Oh yeah. Why get a hotel room when renting a beach house is so much better? Better for whom??

3 loads of laundry.
Dishwasher unloaded/reloaded
Breakfast made and cleaned up.
Trip to grocery store.

That was my morning. The Frug? Let’a see…

Woke up.
Went on “his walk.”
Went down to the beach.
Met a friend for lunch.




I’ll shut up now.

Let’s Play Mad Libs!

Here’s your word bank:



Otis’s breath smells so ________ that I want to gag! To make him more kissable, I put some delightful minty breath product into his water bowl, just a tiny drop. Otis thinks it’s __________ so he will NOT drink it. Otis prefers __________ water from the toilet bowl!  Especially __________ is the first morning pee from one of his ____________ human brothers who hasn’t flushed the __________ smelling pee away. Whoever came up with “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” has never smelled the _______ early a.m. pee around here!  So, now we have a dog with _______ breath that also smells like __________ boy piss!

What a _______ day!


Thanks for playing!


**noting that expletives work nicely here too! Winning!**