Archive | May 2012

Jessica Simpson News – Jessica Simpson Joins Weight Watchers: See Her Body Evolution! (PHOTOS) – Celebuzz

This is going to be very, very interesting. Given how freaking ENORMOUS she got, I just can’t imagine WW being “enough“…and you know they’ll want it to be “miraculous“…and I think the only way for her to get that miracle is..well, hell, I have no idea. If I knew, I’d be doing it myself!

Jessica Simpson News – Jessica Simpson Joins Weight Watchers: See Her Body Evolution! (PHOTOS) – Celebuzz.

Shameful Confession

Okay, it’s Monday. It’s raining. I’m PMSing (jeez, it’s like constant these days. Eff you, Mother Nature!) Time for a very dirty, shameful confession.

My name is Kelly and I Like Diarrhea.


Anyone still there?

Now, I don’t like being sick.  Fever, chills, vomiting, and then the Big D? NO. Thank. You.  That’s too much. That’s terrible. Not to be too graphic (who me?) but the delicate balance of what to do first — if you get to choose, it’s ALWAYS vomit first, am I right? And where to do it…cause who wants to shit in a trash can. Am I right?

Whoa. Getting flashbacks to a trip to Mexico. Food poisoning. And the Frug had it too. *shudders*

*cleansing breaths*

Okay, where was I? Ah yes. Diarrhea. If it’s just from some questionable food or if perhaps I’ve forgotten AGAIN about my lactose intolerance, then it’s a simple spray, wipe and go.

I feel fab.


Detoxed, if you will.

Stomach flat.


C’mon!  You’ know I’m right!

Took a “Half Kelly Day”…

…on Friday. A Full Kelly Day would have been begging karma to do rude things to me, kwim? So, after putting in my Good Mama time by driving a Fail Wagon-full of 8th graders to their Shakespeare Festival and sitting thru 2 other schools’ performances before watching their (30 MINUTE!) production…I hit the mall. *dreamy sighs*

Was really loving all the neon colors featured for spring/summer. Makes my 80s girl heart flutter! Day Glo FTW!!!  Now, neon is tough for me to pull off for a variety of reasons. First off? The hair color is a yellowish green to begin with which makes any bright yellow or green top a No Go.  Skin is a non-80s shade of potato so, again, yellow and green are not pretty on me! (so much yellow for spring *growls*)

Anyway, I ended up in the GAP and bought a cute pair of neon ombre shorts (they’re going back, Frug) and a cute tee shirt dress in a shocking shade of pink *squeals* and a tee shirt or 3. Purring happily as I checked out. I never speak to cashiers due to social issues but I since was in a happy place:

Me: *smilingAll these neon colors remind me of the 80s.

20 yr old Pseudo Hipster Dude: Not to make you feel old but…

Me: *narrows eyes b/c that is NOT a nice lead in*

PSD: It must have been so cool being in high school in the 80s

Me: *incredulous look*

Yes, high school in the 80s was like a 4 year Ferris Bueller’s Day Off mixed with other cute HS in the 80s movies. *rolls eyes hideously*

No real point to this post other than to share my pissyness that PHD ruined my buzz with his “not to make you feel old but…” thing. MFWTF?!?!

Welp, it was worth a try…


The Miracle Noodle folks also have a Miracle “Rice”… I love love love rice!  And since the noodles were a win, the rice was def. worth a try, right?

I decided to try a chicken fried rice recipe (the trusty Sun Bird Spicy Fried Rice packet). Here’s the “rice” after it was drained and rinsed (b/c of the stench! lol) and blanched in boiling water:Looks like cooked tapioca or white caviar. Hmm.

Here’s the finished dish:Looks fine, right?


The taste was fine. Tasted exactly like regular old chicken fried rice. The texture? Not so good. It was like chicken fried tapioca. Or chicken fried rubber pellets. Not horrible. Not disgusting. Yet somehow wrong. Reminded myself that it was ZERO CARBS!  ZERO CALORIES! kwim?!???

The upside is that I didn’t gorge myself senseless eating it. lol

So, yeah…probably not going to use the “rice” again. I bet I could use the miracle noodles for this though.

My New Happy Place

Over 7 million people have watched this video. I LOVE IT. The Harvard boys are adorable!!  This is apparently a “girl thing” because I got a Facebook comments that this was “gay” and “an insult to men” and “they need to turn in their Man Cards“…puh-lease!  They are so so so cute!! Chicks are digging them hard.

This may change my outlook on “Harvard Men”…the movie The Social Network convinced me that they’re all a bunch of entitled douches. Maybe they’re not!??  Maybe they’re cute athletes who dance in vans??

And, for the record, I would have LOVED the one dude who has sort of a mean face and yet winks at the camera. Probably a real dick and a player. Yup, would have LOVED him. haha

Miracle Noodles!!!!

OMG! OMG!  I think I may be the last to know about these — Miracle Noodles! *spins in a circle*

Have you heard about them?  Noodles (shouty capitals alert) with ZERO CALORIES!  ZERO CARBS! ZERO FAT!!  ZERO GLUTEN!! ZERO SOY!!!! And they are even KOSHER!

*falls down panting*

They are made from a natural fiber source called Glucomannan. No, I have no idea WTF that is. (see above for the ZERO list instead)  They have no flavor at all and take on the flavor of whatever they are cooked with. Sort of like how tofu is supposed to be — but so ISN’T. *vomits*

Anyway, bought 2 bags of the angel hair kind at Whole Foods. They are in the refrigerated section with the yucky tofu products. *pauses to vomit again* I have had them in the fridge for a week now. They were in there, lurking, terrifying me. I wasn’t sure about them. I wanted to try them but I have so many food issues that I was scared! lol and not kidding.

Apparently, I read that there is an odor when you open the package. I hate things that smell. What if I threw up? I hate to throw up!!!! AAHH Anyway, I manned up and decided to cook those noodles today. I chose a strongly spiced Pad Thai recipe, nothing fancy, just used a spice packet from Sun Bird.

Opened the bags (they come in a clear plastic bag and feel icky and slimy) at the sink with the water running (you have to rinse them in a colander to start with)…I held my breath and tossed them under the water and left them for a good 2 minutes. (I seriously hate smells!)  Then they got blanched in boiling water for a minute or 2. 

After that I let them sit in the spicy marinade for a good hour. Again, worried about some sort of funky taste or smell. These noodles do not get mushy at all, btw. Very al dente despite all the rinsing and boiling and soaking.  Anyway, added them to some cooked chicken and broccoli…

(Hope, before you ask, no, I did not eat the yucky veggies. I put the noodles and chicken on my plate separately. And ate them separately. Food issues, people!)

Soooo, verdict???  OMG OMG OMG!!!  Really good!  Def. al dente…def tasted like the Pad Thai sauce, which was yummy.  The Frug and even Sarcasmo (a hater of all new and weird things — only when cooked by me) asked for seconds.

I think they’d be weird with a tomato sauce b/c that’s just so Italian and this, while excellent, is NOT like a good quality pasta. I also don’t know if it would be any good done my fave way — tossed with garlic and olive oil. Maybe though??  We shall see. I’m just amazed that it was so good. And, ZERO CALORIES!  ZERO CARBS! ZERO FAT!!  ZERO GLUTEN!! ZERO SOY!!!!

Hoarder Bags

Usually my Hoarder Bags are misc. Target bags stuffed with all kinds of crap. I’ve realized that I have other Hoarder Bags…Behold!I think when “normal people” switch purses, they completely empty out the first purse, organize what was in it, then put what’s needed into the newer purse.  Not me. Where’s the fun in that? I simply take out my wallet and fave lip gloss and leave the rest of the crap behind.

So, I now have 4+ Hoarder Bags with God-knows-what in them.  I can see one is filled with receipts. Hmm. Wonder how old they are? There’s a tub of skin cream, Ray Bans, tissues, a snack (will check expiration date just for fun), probably at least 5 lip sticks, a stash of dog poop bags (empty, please God), what else??  It’s like an adventure!

Am now completely overwhelmed with the thought of going through these bags. It’s a rainy Monday. I should probably take a nap first…


So, yeah. It’s Mothers’ Day. (or is it Mother’s Day? That’s wrong b/c it supposed to celebrate all motherS, right? Help!)


You know what? I hate Mothers’ Day. It’s a day that is fraught with social danger. You wish someone a HMD and she’s just lost her mother. Guilt. Awkward. You say HMD to another woman and she isn’t a mom yet and wants to be desperately. Awkward. Guilt.  “What are your plans for MD?” Guilt because she has a troubled relash with her mom and has zero MD plans. Awkward. Guilt.

I think we all have enough crap in our lives and don’t need another holiday to make us feel sad or weird or estranged or apart from everyone else. Why not just have “Women’s Day”? Doesn’t matter if you’re a mom or have a mom or are single/married/hetero/lesbian/whatever. Have a Happy Women’s Day. Celebrate yourself and your own awesomeness. Go shopping. Have an ice cream. Have a margarita.

Personally, I’ve had Diet Coke and bacon already today so I win! lol