Archive | March 2012

Jeremy Piven’s Head Skills Suck


Jeremy Piven’s Head Skills Suck.

*giggling* Oh Jeremy Piven. How embarrassing is THIS?! Hooked up with a stripper…no really…her blog is called “Diary of an Angry Stripper“…and she blogged about how boring it was when he was going down on her. *cackling*

As always, please go check out my man Michael K’s DListed for the full length article but here’s a sample of his snark:

It’s not surprising to hear that Jeremy Piven has the Ambien of tongues, but it is surprising to hear that he actually licks chocha. Here I was thinking that Jeremy Piven is a selfish slut who only cares about getting his. 

Yahoo! Fun Morning!

*growly scowls*

I should preface all my posts this week with the disclaimer — “Wicked PMS and Perimenopausal Hormone Swings”!  That coupled with Sarcasmo’s teenage hormone-fueled rage is a week from Hell, right?!


I’ll keep this post brief…today’s fight started with: “OMG MOM!!! I DON’T HAVE ANY SOCKS!”

And the second part of the morning’s altercation was “OMG MOM!! THAT’S THE WORST PEANUT BUTTER EVER!”


Happy Tuesday.


Squeaky Wheel…hmm.

Been dealing with a great deal of “arguing” in the Casa Superficial. Mostly with His Majesty Sarcasmo. I call it “arguing” for lack of a better word. I swear this child would argue that the sky is beige…and do it LOUDLY. It’s just him spewing ridiculously angry words for seemingly no other reason than to hear his own voice. He seems to think that he who argues LOUDEST wins. I just shake my head at him. And he’ll say “Oh, that’s right…you have no answer to THAT, do you?!” and I will think “My incredulous stare is in no way an indicator of your victory, jerk“…outwardly, I yell stuff like “OMG! YOU ARE SO WRONG!” lol High Quality parenting.

Today’s Torture was about a test he has to take this Saturday in order to qualify for honors classes in HS. It’s an “English” exam.  He’s done ZERO prep work for it and I have been needling him about this. “OMG MOM! I can’t DO anything for it!” and I said “Well, why don’t you at least do a vocabulary review. I can email you some prep web sites.”  “OMG!!!!! There will NOT be vocab on that test!!” I calmly tell him “YES, there will be…it’s an ENGLISH TEST!” “NO MOM!!!  THERE WON’T BE VOCAB WORDS!!”

*deep breaths*

I slammed the car into park and flew into the house on my broom …the Frug was like “um, hi” and I ignored him to find the testing info…the info sheet that clearly says that YES, in fact there will be vocab. BECAUSE IT’S A @$()&%@)(&% ENGLISH EXAM. Took me 8 seconds to find it and fly back out to the car…I proceed to shout at him calmly show him that the info shows that *I* am RIGHT and he is so very wrong.  The letter may have been thrown at him as well.

*deep breaths*

I used to be the calmest person. No shouting. No confrontations of any kind. What has he done to me?!?  I’m trying to think of ways that all this shouting and belligerence may be helpful when he’s an adult. Nope. Can’t think of one instance. lol

I just keep thinking of that ridic adage about “The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease“…only in his case, I think it’s more like “The Squeaky Wheel Gets A Junk Punch.

Let’s Review, Shall We?

Spring has sprung here in DC. Thank GOD! I despise winter and all it’s hellishness. Cold, wet, dreary, dried out skin, “eating season“, etc. Hola Spring! I’ve missed you!

There are issues with spring though. Warm weather brings with it the need to uncover. To “bare“…We’ve all been hiding out wearing layers, letting our fur grow out for warmth, eating like we’re Jessica Simpson. You know.  Last weekend, I realized that people might need a refresher course on What Not to Wear. Or What To Do Before You Wear…  It’s quickly become Show Your Toes Season and, quite frankly, many of you are NOT READY.

Not saying you need to go spend the $$ for a pedi. I am frugal, after all. *waves to the Frug* Just take a good close look at those feet. Make sure they are CLEAN. Cut your damn toenails. Clean the nasty shit out from underneath the nails. Check your dry, cracked heels and put some lotion on ’em. I like to put a quick coat of cuticle oil on my toenails to help out the cuticles AND give a nice sheen to them! (to distract the eye, kwim?!)  Oh, and don’t forget to shave your toe-knuckles. Yes, you have hair there. Look closely. See? Shave that OFF!

Now, shoes. Ladies, PLEASE wear the correct size shoe! So many women are wearing shoes that are too small. Feet can change size over time. Weight gain, pregnancy, having a job that requires you to be on your feet for long periods of time. It’s okay. No one will judge you if you go from a size 8 shoe to an 8.5 or a 9.  It gives me physical pain when I see someone in flip flops with a good half inch of heel hanging off the back. Or shoes that are a tad too narrow so the pinky toes hang off the sides. I have wide feet (I am a Flintstone in torso-to-leg-length ratio and in fat footedness) so I’m very sensitive to this particular problem.  If you love a pair of shoes but your pinky toes are hanging off the sides? Just walk away. You can do it!

Men? Keep ’em covered. For the love of God…cover your damn toes. *gags* Feet are gross in general. Man feet?? *shrieks* Don’t get me started. Maybe if you’re extremely well groomed. Maybe. *shudders*  Okay, you can wear Keens. That’s as far as I’ll go.

I wrote a little piece back in ’09  (I say that as “aught 9” in my head b/c it makes me sound like an old fogey lol)…it was in the early days of this blog…I still stand behind every word!  Go read “Annoying Summer Peeves” as a companion piece to this one!

Gwyneth Paltrow Wrote Her Incredibly Pretentious Cookbook Herself, Thank You



Sort of a cute, very casual pic of Snobby McFishsticks, doncha think? Her top is sloppy and her boobs are loooow.

Anyway, apparently the NYTimes said she used a ghostwriter for her cookbook. She said she DID NOT. Does anyone really care?!?  Who bought that thing anyway??

My man Michael K said:

Yes, she wrote every word. Every ponderous word about ingredients you can’t afford, cookware that’s only available at a tiny shop in the Pyrenees, and how much better she is at making this shit than you are. Ugh, she’s a prig. Her husband must think about sticking his head in that outdoor pizza oven on a daily basis.

Hee hee!  He also said he could almost hear her “snobby, passive-aggressive tone“…*dying*

Gwyneth Paltrow Wrote Her Incredibly Pretentious Cookbook Herself, Thank You.

Good Morning, Monday!

I shall make you my dirty b*tch today! lol

Feeling oddly motivated to GSD today. Perhaps I’ll troll Facebook and Twitter til the feeling passes???  Sadly, the list is far too long to ignore.

Does everyone watch Modern Family??? I FLOVE that show!  Anyway, one one episode had Claire asking Phil, “What do you think I DO all day??” and he says “Um, well, you go to the gym and maybe one other thing“…the Frug and I died laughing. 😉


Unpack from weekend trip (or simply place the contents of my suitcase in a Hoarder Pile to be dealt with when I pack for my next trip?? Hmm)

Gather items purchased for trip and not worn and place into To Be Returned pile…am I the only one who has a never-ending cycle of Buy-Return?? I am a retail NIGHTMARE. Actually, I’m an AmEx nightmare. And a Frug nightmare. *smiles*

LAUNDRY! The Frug kept the house standing, children alive, and the counters mysteriously shiny BUT the laundry was left to hump like rabbits. *heavy sighs*

New clothes for Sarcasmo. The man-child, in a fit of himself-ness, put ALL of his shirts into the Goodwill box. All of them. Then starts screaming “OMG MOM!!!! I have no clothes! I look like a homeless person! OMG!!!!”  He has outgrown a ton of his clothes but still…ALL the shirts?? I had to bring each one out of the Goodwill box and shout “What is wrong with THIS one?” *sighs*

Go Through Old Clothes to make see if there’s a way to avoid buying all new spring/summer clothes for the giant Sarcasmo and his evil troll-like brother. haha Very Frugal, right? I am dreading going into the storage room to do this. Btw, it is the most organized and clean storage room anyone has ever seen. It’s one of the rooms the Frug tries to maintain as “his” aka Hoarder-Free. When I “go through” things, I have been known to empty the boxes, take what I need and then walk away…with every intention of putting the rest back neatly and re-stacking the bins. *winks*

New backpack for Sarcasmo. Noticed one of the large main zippered pockets dangling open this morning. “OMG MOM! I TOLD you I needed a new backpack! THIS ONE IS BROKEN!” Yes, he told me. Just then. As he was getting out of the car to go into school. Is there any reason he can’t talk to me about this stuff when I’m actually able to fix the problem??

Gym. ‘Nuff said.

Grocery Store. Always. Seriously, every day. I wish the trip the store could actually be like my fantasy one…the one where we live in a quant Italian seaside town and I walk into town and buy fresh produce from the adorable local vendors. *sighs*

By the time I get any of these things accomplished it’ll be time to get the kids from school. And then my day is shot to hell. The Frug wonders why I don’t ever get to the “big projects”…the little day-to-day things are total time suckers.

Oh, one more very hopeful To-Do…truly like to have a nice HQ poop. Is that too much to ask?  TMI? haha

Happy Monday!

Remind Me That I’m 46, Not 26

ZOMG. Am on the alway posh Amtrak train right now. Anyone miss me? Been in NYC for 2 days. Stayed up til 4am cackling with friends and enjoying a prosecco or 17.

Whirlwind trip to see some of my “book club” friends. No shopping. No site seeing. Much food. More bevvies.

Have to laugh a bit at my poor sweet Frug. Left in charge of Sarcasmo and 10 for 2 whole nights!! *rolls eyes* My phone kept dying so I had it charging yesterday morning (ringer off as always *smiles*). By 10am I had 4 missed calls, several texts AND he’d even called Ashlee to check on me!

My favorite though?! He used “Find My IPhone” to try to locate me!! Honestly, wasn’t the tracker chip he imbedded in my ass working?!?