Archive | November 2011

More Commentary on the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Okay, Victoria’s Secret fashion show…As I said before, I NEVER watch it.  It’s just one long drawn out advertisement with all those skinny skinny women and the stupid angel wings and feathers and ridiculousness.  UGH.

On top of making me feel inadequate for being a 45 year old average looking woman with thick stumpy legs, now I’m feeling badly that I no longer wear matching undies. I used to always match. I think I had every bra and panty set they sold!  Now, I swear I wear a sports bra every single day and my undies are just whatever’s on top , kwim??  I think I wear the same ones over and over again because I wash them and then there they are in the top of the drawer!   Please tell me I’m not the only one!  lol

Maybe Santa Frug will buy me some matchy matchy funderwear!??!!

Soooo, I’ve been meaning to comment on the “diet” scandal we heard about a few weeks ago. Adriana Lima gave an interview and detailed her “secrets” for getting runway ready:

She sees a nutritionist, who has measured her body’s muscle mass, fat ratio and levels of water retention. He prescribes protein shakes, vitamins and supplements to keep Lima’s energy levels up during this training period. Lima drinks a gallon of water a day. For nine days before the show she will drink only protein shakes – “no solids”. The concoctions include powdered egg.

Two days before the show she will abstain from the gallon of water a day, and “just drink normally”. Then, 12 hours before the show she will stop drinking entirely.

Pretty normal, right?? *snorts*  I’ve gotta say that this all made me pretty happy to read. She’s telling us “Hey, it’s f*cking HARD to look this good!  I have to WORK at it!  I have to basically starve myself and live at the gym!”  I have more respect for her for admitting the f*cked up routine than for giving us a line of bullshit like “Oh, I do yoga” OR the dreaded “I just chase after my kids”  Bitch please.

And another reason I’m gleeful reading this is that this chickie is YOUNG and CHILDLESS and still has to diet like a crazy person to look camera ready…which means after she gets old and has a couple kids, she may be like the rest of us!  (Hey, a bitch can dream, right?! lol)

Well, off to stalk and put some undies on my “Wish List”…I wonder if they sell that shit Adriana Lima was drinking to get ready for the show?  They totally should.  And the stuff that makes their legs glisten??  *wants*

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Let me start by saying I NEVER watch this. Ever. Why would I want to watch an hour long commercial with models who’ll make me feel badly about myself?? But while I was on Twitter, someone mentioned that Adam Levine would be on and BAM, the channel changed! *smiles*  And the Frug didn’t seem to mind at all either 😉

So, Adam Levine. He’s not my usual type of celeb to swoon over. Skinny and all those tatts, kwim? Yuck. BUT, there’s something about him. The confidence, the stage presence, talent…something about him is SEXY

Did everyone see this magazine cover with his Russian model GF??

*fans self* Is it hot in here??

Holy shit! *fans self*

And then there’s this:

Again, skinny but SEXAY! Wowsa!

Anyway, read this excerpt from an Elle Magazine interview with Adam:

ELLE:  In the past, you’ve been linked to Cameron Diaz and Natalie Portman. Is it easier to date a model than an actress?
AL: I couldn’t tell you. It seems like such a cliché—the singer dating a model. I don’t date my girlfriend because she’s a model. I date her because I love her.

Excuse me while I *swoon*…  Yeah, I fell a little in love with him after reading that.

Sooooo, he sang “Move Like Jagger” and walked down the catwalk with his GF and gave her a kiss. Is he trying to KILL ME?? *swoons*

Can you imagine the hot monkey love these two have????  Scorching hot. *drools*

Okay, I HAVE to GSD today. I do have some non-Adam-Levine comments about the VS Fashion Show…To be continued


*sighs* Sarcasmo and his Wardrobe Issues

I do feel for Sarcasmo. I really do. He’s gone through a lot this year physically. Crazy teenage growth spurt has put him thisclose to 6 ft tall and yet he weighs a buck thirty (bastard).

This morning, he had to put on a pair of dress pants and a collared shirt. How difficult can this possibly be?? “OMG MOM!” The pants he wore for confirmation a month ago no longer fit him! Well, I should say they no longer fit him in a a normal fashion.  For some reason, possibly some strange combo of leg and torso growth, the pants sit at a odd spot — giving him a strangely Ed Grimley look. Not good.  Just what every teen boy wants, kwim?

"Teenage Dream", right??

He’s built sort of like an earthworm now. Sort of like Squidward Tentacles.

just with pants, of course

The poor kid now wears a size 30×34 in pants. They really don’t even make that size. It’s an “online only” kind of size. So, when he’s screaming and writhing on his bed in anger and frustration about his pants, it’s not like I can say “hang on, I’ll run to the mall” (as if I would ever do that! *snorts*)

His body type changing sort of bums me out. I’ve been calling him Lurch in my head for a while now but Lurch is much beefier.

Similar coloring and head shape though.

This is a typical response from Sarcasmo…Not kidding…

And, I can still imagine him saying “You Rang“… *giggles*

This is Some Bullshit


The joy of my return home from the Thanksgiving whirlwind was marred by the level of laundry (always, forever) AND by the hideous garbage disposal backup in the kitchen sink. We had no idea what the heck was in that disposal but water wasn’t even able to flow through it. The Frug dumped boatloads of Drano into it but nothing worked.  “Cow, what did you put in there!??”  “Nothing, dammit


2 days of dishes were piled by the sink until the repair guy came yesterday. I missed the fun of his visit but caught the tail end (I, Workout Queen, was at the gym for the bulk of it. *grins smugly*)…I asked the guy “So, what was the problem?” and he said “The disposal was clear but the drain was full of rice, pasta, and mashed potatoes.”  I’m like “Oh, just regular stuff” and he told me you aren’t supposed to put any kind of starchy foods into the disposal. What? Apparently, it just passes right through the disposal and the starches expand and will eventually clog the pipe. Huh?? What?  The Frug was all “Oh, I told you not to put rice into the disposal” and I’m like:

Who has ever heard of this “rule“??? Isn’t it called a Dispose-ALL? Harrumph. Back to caveman times and scraping our nasty plates into the trash. That’s gonna smell amazing. *rolls eyes* FML.

Anyway, have you heard of this f*ckery?? *growls*  Am I the last to know?

and one more because I can’t stop *giggling*

So, you think YOU had a shitty day?

Get ready for an Otis story, everybody.  The Black Beast got some sort of skin taggish thingy on his side.  He was trying to scratch and lick it and I was worried it was a TICK (eek!) and I was waaaaay too scared to touch it.  I needed to take him to the vet anyway b/c his breath REEKS (more than the average dog) AND because he’s fat(er than usual).

Otis loooovvvvvveeeeesss the vet!  He goes in like Dogzilla and just takes over. He greets all the techs with the double dog paw on the shoulders and a face lick.  He bounces around and looks for treats, sniffs anything and everything. The people with their little toy dogs or cats despise Otis. *giggles*  On his quest for treats, he went behind the counter and pawed a fax machine/copier and I *think* I head a cracking sound but I can’t be sure…yanked him outta there as soon as I could 😉

Anyway, the first step of the check up is the weigh-in.  How hard could that be? *snorts*  It’s like a cattle scale, as it should be. All Otis has to do is walk onto it and sit quietly *cackles*…hellz no. He will nevah sit!  He was licking the tech’s face, spinning in circles, do a half sit and then a leap to the face lick (extra points for creativity and sneakiness, right?)…we think he weighed in at 111 (only SIX pounds heaver than he was in July — oops!) but we’ll never really know for sure because he tail whipped the sensor/read-out thing and broke it. We thought maybe he just unplugged it but NO. He broke it. *sighs*

Off to the exam room. In his pure excitement and joy at being examined, he shed black fur all over the floor and drooled profusely. (He also had perma-wood but I’m trying to bleach that memory from my brain)  The vet checked him out and then it was time to clip his horrible toenails.

It took two large Samoan-looking guys to hold him still. Poor Beast looked like a horse, doing those crazy horse-like side eyes, kwim??  It looked like shit was getting real in there so I excused myself from the room.  (excellent dog parenting skills, right? haha)

Went back in in about 5 minutes. Otis was alone. The vet came in, sort of laughing, and said “Well, I saw the battle scars” and I’m like “What?? Battle scars?? ” And he said “Yeah, Otis expressed his anal glands all over them“….”Expressed his anal glands” is vet-code for “sprayed liquid dog shit” all over them!


And you think YOU had a shitty day???  *cackles*

The Welcome Home *bitch slap* continued

So, the Welcome Wagon started with the “get your hoarding under control” stern message from the Frug. In his defense, he had just been up close and personal with the Evidence of Hoarding

Other slaps:

The 2 new laundry baskets the Frug bought me to “help organize the laundry situation.”

Took Otis on a 1.5 hour walk yesterday” which explains the bland “s’up” head nod I got from my dog before he went back to sleep. Harrumph. So the 30 minutes of sedate walking around the neighborhood isn’t good enough for you??

“Did you see the magazine rack in the living room?” Again, subtly saying “clean up yer damn magazines!”

Oh, this was annoying!! 10 said Sarcasmo made me scrambled eggs today!” and I replied “I thought you hated scrambled eggs because you think they feel like jello??” His reply “Only when you make them. Sarcasmo makes delicious eggs”

Et tu, 10?


There’s more but it’s making me tired just thinking about it.

I guess the final insult for me wasn’t even related to the organizing and cleaning and egg debacle. It was my sweet Fiona. So so pissed at me. The kitty sleeps by my side all night, every night. On Sunday, she didn’t leave the basement to greet me. No kitty snuggles at all. On Monday I sought her out and she gave me an earful of accusatory meows and very bitchy cat face. You know the one. *giggles*

Well, not sure how many posts I’ll have this week. Lots of GSD for this weary girl.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Where’s my afterglow?

Not, not that kind of afterglow, pervs.

The I-had-a-weekend-away-from-my-kids-and-all-responsibility glow.  Kind of like that after resort/spa glow, kwim?  I’m beginning to think that’s all a fallacy. Once the vacation is over, it’s beyond ovah, baby. BAM!  Reality giveth ye olde bitch slap.

(And now I’m singing “Back to Life, Back to Reality”…sing it with me, sistahs!)


Had the nicest weekend. Stayed in NYC with the ever-angelic Ashlee. She and her BF *waves to the adorable Brian* dragged me on the subway *gasp* to Brooklyn *gasp* and then later a city BUS! *faints* Honestly, how much public transportation can one person deal with?! haha  The time was a blur of cocktails, karaoke (no, I didn’t sing but look-at-me-look-at-me Ash did several numbers!), chihuahuas, shopping…LOVE.

I also got to spend time with some of my fave Twifan friends!!! Lunch at the swank Mercer Kitchen with the lovely Kellie and Miss Ash…and then dinner out with around 20 of the funnest (yes, it’s a word), loudest, perviest, Robert Pattinson-loving people in the world. Amazing how a little thing like Twilight (and the uber swooney Rob) can bring the most disparate group of ladies together! Love love love.

Anyway, back to this glow that doesn’t exist.


Train home on Sunday. The Frug took Sarcasmo to the Ravens game (where my former man George Clooney was with his leggy LEGGY current GF Stacey Keibler enjoying the Ravens win)…I arrived home and saw that my car looked freshly washed. Hmm. And there were 2 Target bags sitting in front of the garage. Hmm. Curious.

10 flew out of the house “MOM! Guess what??!  2 guys came and cleaned your car for you!” OMFG, the Frug had my car detailed.

Now, why would this be a bad thing, ladies?? Because my car is a keeper of secrets. Secret shameful things. It’s a Hoarder Wagon. When we go on trips, or I know others will be in the car, I clean out the Evidence of Hoarding. The Frug did NOT warn me about the car detailing. And HE cleaned out the car before the guys got there. He left the trash in the Target bags as a way to point out the shame. But, it gets worse…here’s the giant Hoarder Box he filled up with the miscellanous “stuff” he found in the car:

What is in this Box o’Shame? Well, since i haven’t emptied it out yet b/c it triggered a flare up of my ADD-induced procrastination, I can only guess…I did happen to see: DVD players, candy, jewelry, random receipts, an Italian phrase book, makeup samples, vitamins, pens, Chapstick, and a school directory but that was just on the first level of shame.


And I’m getting emails with links to articles like “Clutterfree, FINALLY!” from the Frug.

More on this bitch slapfest in a bit. Have to separate the Duggars (aka the laundry) and go get Sarcasmo from school (Hey school! That 11:30am dismissal sucks ass for parents!)



Well, Superficialistas, I am typing this post in the backseat of a NYC Taxicab (pray for me).

No Kids.

No Frug.

Just me me me me me.

Just the way a selfish ho likes it.

I’m all Shawshank Redemption happy. Like I’ve dug thru my prison walls with a spoon, crawled thru a sewer, and have come out in the other side. I’m on my knees, head thrown back, and smiling like no one’s business.

I don’t think that’s overstating it. *rolls eyes*

C’mon People Magazine!

Bradley Cooper?  Really??  Sexiest Man Alive???? Sexiest??

Define sexy please.

He’s “cute”…he’s “funny”…he’s got an adorable smile. But, the man is NOT sexy.  Sexy is “OMG, where’d my panties go?  You burned them off with your smoldering look!” Or maybe that’s just me. lol.

Last year’s choice was a “butterface” for me…you know, nice body, ugly face (okay, Ryan Reynolds is not ugly but he sure isn’t classically handsome)…

*sighs* When will they get it right??  Brad Pitt and George Clooney (in their heydays — before they become crusty old men – lmao) were worthy of the Sexiest Man Alive crown. Bradley Cooper?? Not so much.

And his scruff in that picture is just dirty looking. Shave that shit off.


Great smile. Pretty eyes.

Not sexy.