Archive | September 2011

Retail Ragey Rage

The Frug and I just celebrated 14 years of marriage! WOW! Time flies when you’re having fun, right?! We like to spend one evening AWAY from the kidsovernight to rekindle ye olde romance. You clowns who have multiple sets of loving grandparents who will take your kids for you while you jet off to Paris can go to hell. The Frug and I have to pay out the butt for an overnight babysitter for our “Big Night.”  *growls*

I like to be very groomed and coiffed and looking vaguely a photo of the girl he married…perhaps that photo was in a pocket and got crumpled or washed or something tho. *giggles* ANYWAY, I did my grooming: fresh highlights, a light chemical peel, brow and snatch wax (haha), the usual.  That’s for ME. He doesn’t notice any of it.  He’s more interested in what I’m wearing. (over top of the skinny, well toned, gosh-his-wife-is-such-a-hard-body, body)

Also bought a bunch of items, mostly tops, for the big anniversary weekend.  I did a little “fashion show” for him and we decided what I would keep for my Date Night (aka slutty) attire and what would go back.  He enjoys the show and I enjoy the shopping so we both win.

The Amex is closing today so I had to fly around madly returning what I didn’t want!  My life is tres difficult, people! I think I went to no fewer than 7 stores. Lord, that doesn’t make me sound too good, does it? Haha

So, returns went pretty smoothly. One store conveniently offers emailed receipts so even *I* can’t lose it! Another store didn’t care if I had the receipt or not, they simply look it up in their system and return the $ in the manner you paid. All typical, right? SOP as my dad would say — Standard Operating Procedure.

No. Not at all, as it turns out. Purchased a few things from BCBG — the one in Georgetown. The staff is really nice, especially this lovely little French (?) lady who helped me with sizes. When they rang me up, they said “You have 10 days to return or exchange.”  I thought “Hmm, that’s pretty quick” but whatever.  I knew I could make it back there within that timeframe, no biggie.

Went into the BCBG in Pentagon City yesterday morning, items unworn, tags on, receipt in hand.  The guy rang the items up and then said “Okay, your store credit is $xxx” and I’m like, “What? Store Credit?? I have the AmEx right here AND the receipt” and then he shows me the fine print on the receipt:

Return unworn items, with receipt, within 10 days for exchange or store credit. No refunds.

MFWTF? If you buy there, you NEVER get your money back. Receipt or not. That’s what the receipt should say. I am APPALLED!!!!  There was no sign in the store saying NO REFUNDS. No one alerted me to the STRINGENT “return policy” (if you can even call it that!). I am FURIOUS!!  I was counting on getting that $$ credited back on the AmEx before the Frug kills me!

This is a global company. It’s not a Mom and Pop down the street. I had my receipt. I returned the items unworn within 4 days. Store credit?!??  )(@$&)@%

Oh, and to compound things in a way only I can…I got an email on Sunday from with a 20% off coupon code and Free Shipping offer (online only)…so, being frugal, I thought “Hey, I really like 2 of those tops. I’ll order them online for the 20% off and then return the others to the store!” So, on Monday, I do so. And feel quite pleased with myself.  By Tues, I get r-a-p-e-d in the store…come home to confess to the Frug that I have been violated brutally by a horrific “return policy”…and then also confess the online purchase…

So…after talking to him, I try to cancel the online order since I now have this store credit b/s…my order has not shipped so I figured that I could cancel it. In their “Customer Service” area, it states that “Once an order is placed, it cannot be cancelled“. Of course not. There is no “email us” option on their web site. Shocking.  There is a phone number which I call…”Speak to a representative” is not an option.  Amazing. I dig thru the fine print on their web site and find out that I can return the online order (within 30 days – so generous! *rolls eyes*) and get a refund in the manner in which I paid. FINALLY some good news.

I’m just shocked at the “Customer Service“. *snorts derisively* It’s 2011! I should be able to return clothing and get the credit back on my AmEx. I should be able to email their Customer Service department. If I call them, I should be able to SPEAK to someone. Right??? RIght??  Am I completely crazy? Wait, don’t answer that.

Inventions I Need Invented ASAP

  1. Alarm clock that obeys voice commands like: “5 more minutes” and “Turn the volume DOWN” and “STFU
  2. A monosyllabic autoresponder for my spouse’s early morning queries. Simple yes/no options. Optional “hiss” or “growl“.
  3. One piece “outfit” I can stumble into to drive kids to school. Almost like an adult onesie. Apparently, my driving-in-jammies thing is a little WT and quite embarrassing for others.
  4. And finally, “sleeve dickeys”…I have those 2 cute Missoni sleeveless sweater dresses and my friend Kim asked what I would wear under them. Hmm. Under?? Can’t wear anything under them b/c of the bulk issue, kwim?  But I can see that sleeveless is going to be a chilly option in a few weeks, kwim?  Do you remember “dickies”?  The fake turtlenecks??  So creepy and weird. We had to wear them for cheerleading back in the day.  I can still feel their itchy acrylicness. *shudders*  But, what about sleeve dickies?  Like sleeves that you could snap on or velcro on (in a very seamless and fashionable way, of course)??

Go!  Make it so!

Presented with Minimal Commentary

*inhales deeply* So, the Frug was in Amsterdam last week. (you may have noticed that I was able to write more! lol) It was a shitstorm of a week here. So much “stuff” with the dryer and dishwasher sucking ass again/still, Back to School nights, 10’s therapy appts and well-check, and Sarcasmo’s football practices etc. Blah blah blah. Ugh.

Anyway, adding to it was the can’t-get-in-touch-with-my-husband-fuckery. His Skype phone was complete fail and talking to him on his hotel phone was ridic. It had all those awkward pauses as if there was a mini-translator in the phone relaying what I said. So, I’m like “DID YOU HEAR ME?” and he’s replying to the original comment and I’m talking over him. *growls*  A whole week of that and I was tres pissy.

Anyway, I think I’ve mentioned that, with very few exceptions, the Frug is not the greatest at Look-what-I-got-you-while-I-was-away gifts. Generally it’s the XL tee shirt that we “share.”  *rolls eyes* Well, this time he outdid himself.

Ask me what he got for me. Go on. *drumroll* A magnet. A MAGNET that says “Amsterdam.” For some reason, this reminds me of Say Anything:

Lloyd: She’s gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.

(this also reminds me of Tina and she knows why)

Like, I let him go to Amsterdam and he got me a magnet?!?!

LMAO. And *sniffles* just a little.

Anyway, it does get better. And by “better” I naturally mean much worse. He just told me that he waited til he got to the airport for the return flight to even think of some kind of souvenir.  This is not a surprise. He is a man, after all. And, since he is the Frug, the following will not be a surprise either…

“Well, I got the kids each a magnet and they were Buy 2 Get One Free, soooo…” 


*heavy sigh* Where have I gone wrong??

Don’t all answer at once, please. *glares*

So, my sons. My lovely and angelic sons. Have learned some things about them in the last 24 hours.

I’ll start with 10. My baby. Mr. Personality. Loves the ladies. Well, we’re watching an iCarly (which I happen to really enjoy, btw! lol) and the topic of boys paying for dates, etc. comes up. He looks over at me and asks “that’s not true, is it?” and I say “of course it’s true!’ and he pauses the tivo and gets up and is INCREDULOUS. “NO!” he shouts “Girls should at least pay half!” and I am like (in my head) “You are NOT the fruit of my loins!  Be gone!”

That led to “chivalry” and how men should open doors for women, help you with your coat, etc.  He’s sort of shaking his head and says “Dad never does that!” and I’m like “well, your dad isn’t great at that stuff BUT he does pay for things!“…lol…

Now, Sarcasmo. *sighs* After 2 years of asking, I finally caved and let him go to a dance (not at his school)…his buddies go and he’s been itching to go and we’ve held it over his head for a long time!  So, last night was the first one. I would have loved to hang out and lurk, kwim??  You know what your kid is like at home but at a dance? Lights out, loud music, potentially slutty girls. Oh my.

I picked him up right on time. All these 6th, 7th, and 8th graders came pouring out. All the girls were wearing super short shorts and tank tops with bra straps showing. Oookkkaaaayyy. There were a bunch of girls from his school and I’m used to seeing them in their Catholic School uniforms. Holy Shit. Anyway, the boys all look the same, jeans, tee shirts, sweaty, loud.  He comes out with his buddies and is a mess. All loud and obnoxious. A girl I’ve never seen before called him over and gave him a good-bye hug. Cue my eyes bugging out.

Anyway, asked him 10203 questions and got monosyllabic replies. Which bugs the (@&$ out of me. Mama wants details! LOL.  After he relaxed a bit and let his Cool Guy armor down, I got some deets.

Me: “So, any pretty girls?

Sarcasmo: “OMG MOM!”

Sarcasmo: “Well, one girl was pretty hot. Not even gonna lie.

Me: *dying* “Really? What did she look like?

S: “She had long brown hair with these perfect waves of pink running thru it…oh, and lots of eyeliner so she looked kinda emo”

Me: “How lovely

And, it turns out, my kid is “That Guy“…asked him what he did…”Oh, I walked around and bumped into people on purpose”  Oookkkaaaayyy. “Yeah, it was really fun ’cause then I’d apologize really loudly” (read: sarcastically)

Me: “So, any dancing with girls??”  

Sarcasmo:  “OMG, MOM!  It was so AWKWARD! All these girls would come up and ask me “Do you want to dance with my friend?” and I’d say “Um, no” and walk away.”

Me: “So, you went to a dance and didn’t dance?”  

S: “Well, I danced with some people in a group”

S: “Oh yeah, Amanda (from his class – not her real name) came up and asked me to dance and I looked at her and said “yeah, I’m just gonna walk away now”

S: “Oh, and I also went around and stole people’s hats and wore them”

Okay, my son is “That Guy”…the irritating one who thinks he’s funny and steals your hat or rams into you.  And he the total d*ck who makes you feel badly for asking him to dance! (after you’ve gotten up the courage to do it!)

And my other kid will take you on a date but pretty much expect you to pay for it!

What can I doooooo?!?!  Where did I go wrong??! *cries*