Haven’t blogged in ages. Life has been conspiring against my creativity, dammit! In the past 6 months, we’ve had 3 funerals and 2 weddings and countless misc. and irritating setbacks. BLAH. But, after this last death (Aunt Sage! How in the HELL did that happen?!?! *sniffles*) I’ve decided I am DONE with emo. I am done with anxiety. It’s time for summer and relaxation and FUN. Oh, and sloth. Please God, let there be sweet sloth.
But, I will say, going to some funerals can get a girl thinking. One, what in the HELL would someone say to eulogize ME? Let’s see…Kelly enjoyed napping, trolling gossip sites, trash talking about celebrities, getting mani/pedis, and buying and returning crap…oh, and Twilight and Robert Pattinson…oh, and porn. Hmm. Not a dry eye in the church, right?? Snort. Two, what kind of an old lady will I be??
I really think that “old ladies” are a dying breed. No pun intended. The old ladies of my youth were apple cheeked grannies who wore housecoats and baked pies and got their hair “washed and set” once a week. The idea of wearing a housecoat appeals to me, I must say. Like a bathrobe yet maybe cuter? lol But the washing and setting of the blue hair?? NFW. (Why was the hair BLUE?!?!)
Then, they became more like my mother. Old ladies wore polo shirts, elastic waisted khakis, and Easy Spirit sneakers. Hair was “natural” and worn short in a “wash and wear” style. Erm, NO. Not gonna happen. The thing about that “style” (using the term loosely) is that it’s so androgynous. Old men and their wives could actually share clothes! lol What is up with that?? The Frug and I are NOT going to be wearing his-and-her matching polos and khakis EVER!!!
So…shall I do the rich-old-lady-on-a-cruise-ship? Always in “resort wear“? Lots of loud prints and sequins and lots of thick makeup and dripping with jewels?? Hmm, gotta say, we’re getting closer! lol (Just got a sudden image of Magda from Something About Mary)
I know I can’t pull off the older granola lady with a graying bob and Eddie Bauer clothing and Dansko clogs. *shudders*
And what is “old” anyway??? Since Aunt Sage’s death, *I* am the oldest woman on my side of the family. I’m supposed to be the freaking “matriarch.” Honestly, can you think of anyone less cut out to be a matriarch??? Jesus. I am still sitting at the kiddie table, dammit!!!
I think I’d like to be Sharon Stone old. Or Goldie Hawn old. You know, older, attractive yet somehow inappropriate. lol Helen Mirron old is awesome but she is a bit scary. Meryl Streep is also amazing and yet too intimidating. I don’t know. Thoughts?!?! Discuss.