Tag Archive | the Frug

Well, this is embarrassing…

It’s been so long that I’ve written anything that I couldn’t find the log-in page for this blog! *hangs head*

So, what’s up? I must confess I’ve been up to pretty much nothing. Well, nothing other than the usual anxiety (social and other), mindless household tasks, mundane routines. BLAH.

Currently sitting in front of the computer cursing whoever designed the FAFSA site. For those of you without high school age kids, FAFSA is the portal to alllll the federal college financial aid (and yet perhaps none). It was written by a master sadist. Getting past the initial log in screen takes 2 college graduates and a shot of whiskey. Different IDs for parent and student and passwords and something called “save keys” and social security numbers and the blood of a virgin, of course. And then you fill it out and get the wah wah wah sad trombone noise. And the Federal Aid Nazi yelling “NO MONEY FOR YOU!”

Sarcasmo is a senior and *fingers crossed* he’ll be heading to college in the fall. Where and how in the hell we’ll pay for it are TBD. His requirements are: warm weather, fraternities, and hot girls. Is that college or just spring break? Our requirements are: a school that will take the average white male and does not cost $60K a year. Last fall was all about the SAT and the ACT.  “Sarcasmo! You need to take an SAT class!” with responses like “Eff that!” and”OMG the SAT is so stupid” (Okay, yes, it sucks but you have to get a nearly perfect score on the damn thing to get into a college in VA) and later, Shit, I’m gonna bomb the SAT, I need to take a class.” and  “Oh, my friend so-and-so took a class and it cost about $2K but my other friend just got a tutor that charges $500 an hour” (btw, this is REAL) And “Have you filled out that college app?” and “DAMMIT SARCASMO! The app is due at midnight and you have 2 essays to write!”

From the Frug’s perspective, it’s all been $$$. $ for the private school, $ for the SAT classes, $ for the SAT itself, $ for the college apps (each one costs between $45 and $70 and average white boys need to apply to a bunch of places b/c holy shit, it’s hard to get in!), $ to get the scores sent to the colleges (more for rush services but aren’t they just pressing a button that says “send“??)…for me, it’s been about organization (god help us all)…The mystery of “Naviance” where all dreams become reality. Snort. Your possible colleges must be added to a list and tracked on there and the Common App (which isn’t what I thought) must be linked to it…then the college counselor uses it to submit transcripts and track statuses. Who is writing my average white boy a recommendation? Where’s that form? Why hasn’t X college received his scores yet? What are his chances at X school? Look at the scattergrams! 

Going gray(er)…and feeling completely spent creatively…IDEK.

Well, I Guess Summer is Over?

Shit. How did that happen?

Kids are both back to school. The Frug is frugging busily downstairs. And me? What am I doing? I’m sitting here at my desk, listening to the soothing sounds of Otis licking his empty ballsack, and dicking around on the interwebs. Time for me to do my traditional post-summer Kelly overhaul.

The summer damage is truly exponential. The revenge of summers past, if you will. It seems that no matter how many peels I do, serums I try, creams I buy and forget to use, the sun damage is there. SPF 70, no pool or beach during peak hours, sitting under an umbrella, etc. Pfft. No matter. Freckles, age spots, melasma. And the sagging. That’s a new one. Really enjoying the sagging. Jowls and neck are so pretty, flapping in the wind. I have 3480 browser tabs on “how to firm sagging skin without surgery.” *snorts*  

Another thing I’m digging is “eyelid hooding.”  Lots of people have undereye bags and dark circles. My thing is upper eyelid sag. It’s gorgeous!! Makes already porcine eyes look even more sinister! And old!  Let’s not forget OLD. Who has good product reccs for THAT? Come at me!

Sigh.

Happy Fall to All. Blah.

 

While the Cat’s Away…

The Frug is away. He’s been away for over a week. The house? Don’t ask, don’t tell. My grooming? Well, my plan was to be Full Yeti for the time he was gone but then we’ve had some 60 degree days so I had to rethink that. And, sadly, I have showered. lol Been doing a workout routine that includes sauna time and that, my friends, requires a shower afterward.

What am I doing with all the free time? (“Free Time” that used to be taken up with mundane things like “making dinner” and “straightening up” and answering all sorts of questions from the Frug — “COW! Where’s the ___?“)

Let’s see…

Plundering the depths of Buzzfeed! I know whic Zoolander character I should be — HANSEL! (OMG ZOOLANDER 2 is coming!) Which Lost guy is your soulmate? BOONE! (WRONG! It’s Sawyer! Duh)  Marcia or Jan? MARCIA!

All the cute animal videos. All. Of. Them.

Pinterest. Dear God, Pinterest. I have boards filled with all kinds of vapid stuff. But, I’ve also found great new recipes! Coconut Chia Seed Pudding anyone? Anyone?

I’ve used makeup samples that were long buried. And last night’s “contouring” experiment was um…

I’ve done so many facial treatments. I’ve got such a youthful glow now. *snorts*

Napping? Oh yes. Fiona and I are becoming one, all nestled in the covers.

Oh, I read about a new product that has me fearscinated. It’s called Baby Foot. It’s a peel for your FEET and it’s supposed to be AMAZING. So, if you’re not faint of heart, click here for some delightful google image results for this peel. *cackles* Go on, click. You know you want to.

So yeah, I’ve been busy.

Not everyone has been enjoying this time. Otis is a black of heap of depression. He misses his daddy. Poor Pedro has had to ask, more than once, “Um, Mom? Are we ever having dinner?” Oops, sorry kid.

We had a couple of snow days last week too. People have asked how I was holding up…and honestly, when the kids are teenagers, snow days ROCK. Everyone sleeps in. There’s no “playing outside” aka cramming little bodies into snow gear (why won’t little fingers go smoothly into gloves and mitten??”…we all read, play video games, stare at our phones til our eyes bleed. Good clean American fun.

He’ll be back on Sat. I have a few days left to erase all signs of sloth. It may take just that long…

Wish me luck!

 

 

 

 

Terrible News

I. Am. Old.

Turned fortyfuckingNINE yesterday. I mean, there’s no way around the fact that that’s not young. How did this happen?? I swear I was a youthful and sassy 39 not that long ago.

Even worse, no amount of diet and exercise and grooming can hide the fact that I am not young anymore. As part of my bday celebration, I did a girls weekend in NYC. Much prep went into it. I waxed all the body parts and shaved those that I didn’t wax (*nods at finger knuckles and toe knuckles*) I planned (read: did the purchase/return cycle so much that the Frug’s head is going to spin around) outfits. I had fresh highlights, a haircut, I even tinted my brows!

Oh, and for my big Saturday night out, we had the Glam Squad come to do blowouts and makeup!

Result?

Middle aged soccer mom.

*sighs*

Actually, according to the sainted Ashlee, I looked like a “middle aged gym teacher“…which is much, much better, right?

*sighs*

I mean, if I can’t groom and retail my way to a youthful glow, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Accept it?

No.

Hell no.

HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP MMMMEEEEEE!

 

50 Things

I’M ALLLLLLIIIIIIIVVVVEEEEE!!!

I survived going to a “Minimalism Event.” Dear God, did I even just type that?? aahh It wasgood” and “interesting“…in a horrifying way, kwim? Like going to a Scientology event or something. The Frug stood transfixed with a small smile and glazed eyes. #creepy I wore a sparkly skirt and multiple necklaces and strappy wedge heels and used 1729 make-up products, just to be a dick.

Anyway, going to that reminded me of some of the other kooks the Frug follows…

…Like this guy who writes “Exile Lifestyle“…one of his “things” is that he only owns X # of things. The last time he posted it was 55 things. He owns only 55 things. *lets that settle in*  This is down from the apparently repulsive 72 things he owned in 2009.Screen Shot 2014-05-29 at 8.34.07 PM

^^^Like, I could find more than that on the floor in my room or stuffed into the crevices of the Fail Wagon, kwim?? COME ON!

I took a quick tally of what I “owned” or used this morning (clothing, makeup, items used) and here’s where I was, as of 8am:

  1. Contact lenses
  2. Bra
  3. Undies
  4. Shorts
  5. Shirt
  6. Sweater
  7. Shoes
  8. Sunglasses
  9. Earrings
  10. Wedding band
  11. Engagement ring
  12. Purse
  13. Antiperspirant
  14. Toothbrush
  15. Toothpaste
  16. Floss
  17. Contact lens solution
  18. Contact lens case
  19. Glasses
  20. Mascara
  21. Eye Liner
  22. Lip gloss
  23. Lotion
  24. BB cream
  25. Ponytail holder (I have at least 50 of these…somewhere)
  26. iphone
  27. ipad
  28. Car (!)

I’m at 28 before 8am. Some of these can be combined like contacts/solution/case but still. I’m not upset about this list. It just is. I cannot imagine only having even 100 things. They don’t define me but many of them are NECESSARY. The thought of being limited to X number of things makes me queasy.

I have to say, this guy did inspire me to make clever collections and post pix on Tumblr. Like “My 43 Eye Shadows in Nearly Identical Shades of Brown” or “My 17 Favorite Mascaras” or “My 27 Black Tops”…

So, in that sense, I would have to say that going to see The Minimalists was truly inspiring. *cackles*

What is Life?

Welp, the Frug and I are having a rare Tuesday night date. Romantic, right??

Nope.

He’s taking me to THIS:

The Minimalists Tour

What the WHAT?

Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus have garnered an audience of more than 2 million readers at TheMinimalists.com, where they write about living a meaningful life with less stuff. They are the bestselling authors of five books and have spoken at Harvard Business School, SXSW, World Domination Summit, and many other organizations, schools, and conferences.

He’s taking me to a seminar about living with less stuff.

Is this an exorcism?

An intervention?

#freekelly

I’m tempted to wear something outrageous like this gold AmEx dress:

Or maybe just something with the Target logo?? Or something a rich old lady would wear on a cruise…covered in rhinestones and wearing alll the jewelry.

Sigh.

Trying to keep an open mind. This is the Frug’s “thing” so I want to be respectful and nonjudgy.

But.

These people are the judgy ones. “Oh, look at us and how frugal we are!  You money spending collectors of things are terrible people!”

Smug bastards.

We maximinalists are all live and let live. “I’m just over here at Sephora and then heading the Nordie’s Half Yearly Sale! Have a nice day!”

I shall report back on this thing later, God willing.

#freeKelly

 

 

 

Point/Counterpoint

So, the Frug has been a busy blogging bee. I have to live his posts. I live thru the reality.The airline hacks post? Help me, Jesus.

Yes, the Frug is a super genius with all of his “hacks“…Mama needs her fancy vacations, right? And the Frug has to find THE BEST DEAL. The process is extremely painful. It usually involves multiple Saturdays. He holes up in his office for hours, going from one computer screen to the next (one mac, one PC…and his iPhone too) intermittently yelling:

“COW! When is spring break?”

“COW! Come down here and look at these dates!”  

“COW!!! Are you sure about the dates!?!”

“Are you sure you want to go to an island? I think we should go camping in the Adirondacks.”  (side note: NO)

What if we rented an RV instead?” NO!!!!

“My sister has a place in Maine. No electricity or indoor plumbing. It would be a good experience for the boys!” NO.

“COW! I found a great deal but there’s a nine hour layover in Mexico City. We can use the cost savings that we get with the tickets and get a driver to take us around Mexico City for a couple hours! Doesn’t that sound great?!”

No. Just NO.

Then come the phone calls to the airlines.

What do you mean there is only one frequent flyer ticket available? The flight is 8 months from now! I need to speak to your manager!”  

And then calls to the points program folks. “What? You want 70,000 points for this ticket? I need to speak to your manager!”

Finally, he pulls the trigger and the tickets are purchased. The next few Saturdays are spent second guessing the choice and the Deal.

Sigh.

You may wonder why I’m not more involved. Welp, that is a story for another time. Soon I shall regale you with my one attempt at making travel arrangements.

Not. Pretty.

Have a Slothful and Superficial Sunday!

It’s the Frug’s Birthday!

Wait, that was yesterday!  Ooops!  A day late and a dollar short, as always!

The Frug will share his July 22nd birthday with the new Prince of Cambridge!!  Was everyone as excited as I was for the big news yesterday?  I actually cried. Such a silly anglophile! lol

So, our big news is that the Frug is BLOGGING. Yes, it’s true. He has started his own blog — thefrug.com. It will be filled with evil hints about how to hoard money and keep wives from having new clothes and makeup!  Tips on how to keep the house at 50 degrees in the winter and 102 degrees in the summer!  No more fun of any kind!

Kidding!  Thefrug.com is apparently all about  “Live Lean, Work Lean, Travel Lean.” This is all in direct conflict with my “Live Large, Work Never, and Travel Lavishly” program.

In his blog, he’ll refer to me as “SuperK“…much debate about what to call me on thefrug.com. Friends helped with ideas such as “Miss Money Spender” — I loved that. I envisioned myself as a Bond-eque villainess wearing a black latex cat suit!!  Another winner was “Spenderella“…

So, the Frug is another year older and is now tweeting as The_Frug and has his own blog thefrug.com. Go be big hairy traitors and read what he has to say. I shall be here pouting.

*swooning* Richard Burton Diaries vs My Reality

 

 

Reading my People Magazine…the one with Douchy McAttentionWhore on the cover. I shan’t mention his name because that is what he wants!!  Anyway, I came upon the book review section and discovered “The Richard Burton Diaries“…I read “Furious Love” a few years ago and have found their love/hate/boozefest story fascinating.  The book covers more than just his years and marriage(s) with Elizabeth Taylor BUT that’s the most interesting part!  He wrote of his passionate love for her:

“E is my only ism,” Burton writes. “Elizabethism.” While she was away, he noted, “I miss her like food.” He calls Taylor “an eternal one-night stand” and “beautiful beyond the dreams of pornography.” He declares, “She is a prospectus that can never be entirely cataloged, an almanac for Poor Richard.”

*swooning*

It left me longing for the days of love letters and being courted. (yes, all fantasies lol)  What I have instead is from the Frug, which I received in this uber romantic text messages:

And later, this…

A beautifully organized “pantry”…be still my heart. *rolls eyes*

Sure, Richard Burton could write this of his wife:

“I have been inordinately lucky all my life, but the greatest luck of all has been Elizabeth. She has turned me into a moral man, but not a prig, she is a wildly exciting lover-mistress, she is shy and witty, she is nobody’s fool, she is a brilliant actress, she is beautiful beyond the dreams of pornography, she can be arrogant and willful, she is clement and loving, Dulcis Imperatrix, she is Sunday’s child, she can tolerate my impossibilities and my drunkenness, she is an ache in the stomach when I am away from her, and she loves me!

…but could he organize a pantry on a sunny Saturday afternoon???  Hmm.

Flight Of The Hot Chocolate

Oh NO!  The Frug has grown a beard!

Isn’t it amazing how a dark beard can make anyone look like a terrorist? This guy (Flight of the Conchords, Jemaine Clement — known for resembling the Frug) is a singer from freaking New Zealand but I would totes cross the street if I saw him approaching me!

Flight Of The Hot Chocolate.