Tag Archive | sea hag

Sea Hag to Old Whore Update

So, as promised, here’s my update on my magical transformation from Sea Hag back into an Old Whore. Cue eye roll and derisive snicker. Back in Sept., you may recall that I looked in the mirror and, much to my chagrin, saw the yellow fried straw that was my hair…the wrinkled brown-spotted leather that was my skin…the sagging mass of jello that was my butt…I vowed to ameliorate (that’s for you, Jen) the hideous situation(s)…

So, part of my plan has WORKED!  Shocking!!  Here’s the good stuff:

LATISSE!  WOW.  This stuff really really works.  Been using it since early Sept. My eyelashes are, in word, f*ckingamazing.  Long LONG. Black. So black that I can go without mascara (actually look better without mascara b/c they are just so long — the mascara is best saved for Date Nights or other special occasions) and are so black that it seems to look like I have eyeliner on (top only) even when I don’t!  WIN WIN WIN!  The only drawback, if you could call it that, is that the lashes do need to be curled or I look a bit like the Snuffleupagus.  And, I have decided to start using the Latisse every other night, rather than every night.  Cannot imagine having them even longer than they are! Epic WIN! 😉

long, black, uncurled lashes

The next thing that was WORKED (woot!) is the Sketchers Shape Ups! Remember these not-cool-looking sneaks?

Shape Ups for the WIN!

They are vaguely orthopedic looking, no?  But, they are so comfy.  Seriously could wear them all day and night.  I wear them on the treadmill, walking the Black Beast, doing errands.  It’s like walking on fluffy clouds.  AND, the best part?  I swear to God…my butt *is* higher and tighter!  Not like you would ever look at me and say ‘OMG, her butt is so small and tight and hot’ or anything..but…I am 43 and my butt is looking maybe 40 now! 😉  Another WIN!

Onto the hair.  This one is difficult to categorize due the ever-changing nature of the beast.  One day I’m freshly highlighted and trimmed, the next? Big gray stripe and split ends!  WTH?  But, overall, my hair is vastly improved. Have had it done 3x since Sept. (maintenance is a b*tch, people) with LOWlights…had the just the roots touched up as well. And, I asked my guy, Danny, to ‘warm it up’ this last time.  And THAT has really helped.  It’s just so much better than my ‘cool’ tone, which surprised me b/c I am naturally more of an ash blonde (and G is a very ashy almost green haired kid)…but, instead of it becoming orangey or reddish (which is what warm meant in my head), it’s just subtly more of a caramel tone, I think. Still highlighted but toned way down. Much much better, methinks.

Now, the one thing that hasn’t really worked.  The skin. Have used the tri-luma cream since mid-September.  Overall, my skin is lighter and slightly (very) more even.  However, there are still brown splotches!  I have even been using an SPF 50 moisturizer each day! AND, on the advice of the esthetician, I added a glycolic acid as part of the a.m. routine.  Really hoped for more.  She had said that I would probably want to move to something more aggressive like the Obagi stuff. (LMac?  Good stuff, right??)  Sigh.  I guess so.  KBB advised a laser treatment but I’m still too scared 😉  Oh, and another downside is that you cannot wax when using a retinoid like tri-luma.  Apparently, the skin is weakened and the wax could rip off another layer (or 2!) of skin!  Yikes.  So, that meant I have had to do ‘threading’ which is &@$@) torture.  Brows, lip, chin.  Agony. Way more painful than waxing.  Grumble.

Overall, not too shabby.  At my age, I will take any improvements!  Better to move ever-so-slightly ahead than to backslide, right?? Right.  But, we’re having this blizzard and what’s a girl to do? EAT. Not walk the doggie in her Shape Ups. Merry Fatmas! LOL

Administrivia

Hello and Happy Sunday!  Where in the world does the time go??  F-l-y-i-n-g!

Wanted to ask you to make sure you SUBSCRIBE to my blog and become a Superficial Sister! You can subscribe via email or using an RSS reader.  The Frug does the GoogleReader thing…I prefer email updates…whichever! Like the term Superficial Sisters??!  I love LOVE it!

I know some of my readers personally and I want to be sure everyone knows that when you see me IRL (in real life!), I am so NOT the snarky superficial inappropriate blog writer.  I am just another mom in carpool…just a wife and mom…so, I think there should be ‘rules’…along the lines of Fight Club. “What’s the first rule of Fight Club? You do NOT talk about Fight Club!”

Whatever happened to Tyler Durden?? Sigh

Whatever happened to Tyler Durden?? Sigh

Believe it or not, there are jerks lacking a sense of humor people who don’t *get* me or my type of sarcastic, evil humor.  I know! Hard to believe, isn’t it?!  But, to keep my/our anonymity (and save my life possibly!) try to not to mention this blog around those who are not Superficial Sisters…kwim?!

Oh, wanted to clear something up while I am at it…I do NOT personally know any Old Whores

wow, watch out when googling 'old whore'! :-)

wow, watch out when googling 'old whore'! 🙂

or Sea Hags…weeeeellllll, now that I think about it, there is one person who is a bit of an Old Whore…but not YOU, definitely not you!! LOL  Don’t worry! 😉  And the only Sea Hag

such a pretty Sea Hag!

such a pretty Sea Hag!

I know is the one who looks back at me in the mirror…and I am destroying her slowly each day – wrinkle by wrinkle, one straw-like strand of hair at a time!  Was just singing an old Michael Jackson song in my head…”I’m starting with the Sea Hag in the mirror! I asking her to change her ways…and no message could have been any clearer…etc. etc. etc” Yeah, too much time on my hands again…sigh…

Blogging this week about Halloween, costumes, candy…and Twilight, as always.

SUBSCRIBE!

A Facial, Progress on Fall Goals, Adios Sea Hag?

Had a much needed facial on Saturday!  Went to a ‘Day of Beauty’ event at Dr. Bitar’s office (dermatologist/plastic surgeon) a week or so ago b/c I saw an ad for 20% off products or services…I am so so so frugal, no? LOL  Anyway, I had a quick (free) consult w/their Esthetician and set up the facial appt. The facial was done by Amy and I loved her!  She was very sweet and non-judgemental about my sun damage and very encouraging that it could be tackled!  I hate going into a doctor or a spa and being lectured about staying out of the sun, etc. I *know* all that, damnit!  I’m sorry that I am an 80’s girl who had tanorexia!  Just fix me!  Anyway, the facial was their deep cleansing one…very standard stuff…cleansing, exfoliating, extractions(my fav!!!), glycolic treatment (she said she was mixing a couple of them together)…she also put a vitamin C serum on my face

smells like BACON!

smells like BACON!

and it doesn’t smell like oranges as I expected…it smells like BACON.  How weird is that??  Kind of off-putting…but, it’s supposed to be great stuff.  Anyway, at the end, she did a little of the Jane Iredale makeup…just a little touch-up…which I loved too!  Hate walking out of a facial all naked faced and splotchy, kwim? Here’s the best part…after I got dressed and was leaving, there WASN’T a bunch of products waiting for me. You know how some facials end up being a sales pitch??  Cannot stand that.  All blissed out, feeling smooth and soft and then BAM! Buy this stuff.  So uncomfortable.  Either the Esthetician is standing there watching you or the receptron (shout out to Rae Rae!) is looking at your like you are a cheap b*tch for not buying the products.  GAH. Buzzkill!  She gave me a nice sized sample of the vitamin C serum and a skin firming moisturizer, and some tips about using the TriLuma cream (I waited to actually start this cream until after the facial b/c she wanted to be sure the glycolic acids didn’t irritate my skin too much)…oh, one more thing, while she was rubbing my face (love!) she sort of bumped my eyelashes a few times and I made a comment about having started the Latisse recently…she said she could see new lash growth!  And so can I!  Feeling very lush-lashed! 😉  It seems a bit soon to see the growth but I can!  Yeah!

What else?  Got low lights yesterday…desperately needed them…can’t really tell how they look b/c I didn’t get a blowout (another $40 and again, I am so frugal!)…we’ll see on Friday night when I get all fancy for another school cocktail party 😉

Have you ever heard of Rue La La? It’s like an online sample sale…I have gotten so many bargains! My most recent was MD Skincare…got the Alpha Beta® Daily Body Peel! It is on their website for $78 and I got it for $39!!!  Frug approved! 😉

Look out, Aniston!

Look out, Aniston!

I have read that my skin goddess, Jennifer Aniston, gets microderm all over her body…so, this is my at-home attempt to get HER glowing body 😉 haha Good Luck, right?  I did it last weekend and I will again tonight…there are 2 sets of pre-soaked pads…one with the peel stuff and one with the neutralizer stuff…you just basically wipe it on (til the pad is dry) where ever you want to get rid of dull dry skin on your body! Waaaaay better than some of the in-shower scrubs…they disapoint me greatly. Make me all greasy feeling too. Ugh.

So, working on the condition of my aging skin…dry skin on body…fresh LOWLIGHTS…can I kiss Sea Hag-dom good-bye?  Nah, not yet.  Soon though…as God is my witness, I will cast off this mantle of the Sea Hag!

MILF/MELF? Cougar/Cougwhore? Old Whore? Sea Hag?

Sigh. Trying to define these terms…and decide the differences between them when there are such similarities between them all. Btw, I like MELF rather than MILF. I would much rather be one whom EVERYONE would like to f*ck than just be limited to the *I*! LOL

Btw, Urban Dictionary also has MELF as this:

slang acronym similar in usage to milf which means “Midget or Elf I’d Like to Fuck”

“Check out that midget.”
“Yeah, that’s one hot MELF.”

Hilarious and BAD! LOL  Makes me think of Chelsea Handler. And I do love her. Read her book ‘Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and laughed til the white zin came out of my nose. There’s a chapter about when she meets a Little Person who looks just like her. Almost as funny as her being body-cavity-searched in a LA jail…

Anyway.

So, I think that a Cougar can transition into a MELF after recovering her hotness apres the gory ravages of pregnancy and childbirth. A friend also said that cougars, by her definition, are preying on men at least 10 years younger than they are. I can see that.  However, I also see the Cougwhore being a major manhunter.  Older or younger, she is looking for some ack-shun. Saw some cougwhores at the Starboard in Dewey, prime hunting grounds. (btw, the Sea Hags appear to prefer the Rusty Rudder for their antics) They looked good. Well preserved but perhaps a bit too preserved and too well-dressed for the venue. One of them was wearing this awesome halter top from South Moon Under:

fierce halter top seen on Cougwhore at Starboard

fierce halter top seen on Cougwhore at Starboard

But, it was just a bit much for the Starboard. Would have been better out in a fun club in NYC or even DC. The other comment about the ladies was the botox. Just a bit too much. They had a those eyebrows that are just a little bit too far apart. Adds to their feline predator aura. If I were a guy I would be scared! Nothing wrong with botox at all. I hear (ahem) that it can look very good and natural if it’s done judiciously.

The Frug and I were blatantly checking them out. I was very pleased to get a side eye from one of them as she checked out my SHOES!  The ones I am in love with and wearing even though it’s not fall yet. Check ’em out!

Kelly's Faboo Shoes!

Kelly's Faboo Shoes!

The Frug LOVES them too. And, since I used my 20% birthday coupon from South Moon Under, they were a steal, right?! LOL  Wore them with a simple tee and possibly too short skirt…I will def. wear these all fall and winter with jeans. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

So, where was I? I think I am ready to continue to my own category, the Sea Hag. which, in my eyes, is just an Old Whore by the Sea! I have moved on from Old Whore-ishness to Sea Hag by virtue of my extra blonde hair and sun damaged skin. We did notice that the Sea Hags are usually drunk and having fun. So, they look like shit but are enjoying life…not bad, right?! Kill.me.now.  The Sea Hags at the Rudder were wasted at 4pm and dancing to the steel drum band’s musicial stylings. Hmmm, and so was I! LOL  Just realizing that my new Fall goal is to return to being an Old Whore!  MELF-dom may be out of reach. That’s sad, no?  We shall see. I am determined to conquer this hair color problem and the sun damage (will be using TriLuma and getting either microderm or peels – which?) and hitting the gym more often…pray for me! LOL

Who Am I? Where Am I?

How many hours should it take to drive 80 miles? 1.5? 2?  On Sat., we left here at 10:30am…arrived in St. Michael’s, MD at 5pm.  We had to bail off off Route 50 in Annapolis due to an unexplained 10 miles back up to the Bay Bridge. Today, we left at 2:30 and got home at 5pm.  WHYWHYWHY.  Such a short trip, in miles at least.  Grumble.  Btw, they filmed parts of Wedding Crashers in St. Michael’s…the awesome house on the water is the Inn at Perry Cabin (we didn’t stay there – goes against everything the Frug aka Brad believes in)

However, all was not lost. Saw a not-so-rare species I was planning on calling ‘Old Whores by the Sea’.  Which then became Sea Hag.  Ugly term, no?!  Sadly, Sea Hag is already in the Urban Dictionary with lots of fun meanings.  Here’s my fav:

An older, skinny, ugly, woman that has scraggly hair, that drinks too much alcohol.

“Dang, did you see that nasty sea hag”

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sea+hag

We saw many of them in Annapolis. On loud power boats, wearing neon bathing suits (displaying back fat), very tan, with a Bud and a ciggy.  Hacking cough. Having lots of loud fun though. Adding “Becoming a Sea Hag” to my List of Worries.

Had someone once call me a ‘power boat’ kind of person.  Didn’t mean it kindly either!  I think he actually meant that he could see me becoming a Sea Hag!  aahh  Thank God I am not a smoker…at least I have that going for me!

Was a very seafood weekend…crab cake for lunch, steamed crabs for dinner, steamed spiced shrimp for lunch today.  YUM. Still haven’t figured out how shellfish has almost no fat and yet boatloads of cholesterol?  I guess getting french fries w/ my low fat shellfish sort of negates the low fat part.  sigh. And the wine is bad too?  Double sigh. Double chin.

Humidity killed my hair. And they had whatever ‘bad water’ that makes my hair all stiff and big to start with.  grumble. So, bad hair weekend.  Had to restrain it in the ponytail for most of the weekend. Punishment for being BIG! LOL

More later…