Tag Archive | old whore

Terrible News

I. Am. Old.

Turned fortyfuckingNINE yesterday. I mean, there’s no way around the fact that that’s not young. How did this happen?? I swear I was a youthful and sassy 39 not that long ago.

Even worse, no amount of diet and exercise and grooming can hide the fact that I am not young anymore. As part of my bday celebration, I did a girls weekend in NYC. Much prep went into it. I waxed all the body parts and shaved those that I didn’t wax (*nods at finger knuckles and toe knuckles*) I planned (read: did the purchase/return cycle so much that the Frug’s head is going to spin around) outfits. I had fresh highlights, a haircut, I even tinted my brows!

Oh, and for my big Saturday night out, we had the Glam Squad come to do blowouts and makeup!

Result?

Middle aged soccer mom.

*sighs*

Actually, according to the sainted Ashlee, I looked like a “middle aged gym teacher“…which is much, much better, right?

*sighs*

I mean, if I can’t groom and retail my way to a youthful glow, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Accept it?

No.

Hell no.

HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP MMMMEEEEEE!

 

My 2009 Words!

I can still remember the THRILL of adding a word to the Urban Dictionary! ¬†July 15th. Published! Woot! Adding to the English language! Me??!! ūüôā

To review:

  1. Cougwhore
  2. Old Whore
  3. Mysterious Male Friend
  4. Festival of Whores
  5. Whoregasm
  6. Priestentious
  7. Cougar Maintenance
  8. Cougar Mange

Click the link and go to Urban Dictionary!

Words from Me

Ho Ho Ho Awards: Who’s the Biggest A-Rod Ho?

Wow, this is a toughie! ¬†Madonna or Kate Hudson? ¬†Even if the ? was Old Whore, it would be hard. ¬†Madonna is technically older but the woman is in terrific shape…hmmm…

Alright, I’ve thought about KHud for the win here! ¬†Madonna, for all her sexed-up-ness, doesn’t flaunt her Ho-ness. Kate Hudson just whores around all over and, worse, brings her poor kid along for the ride! ¬†And, Kate made poor Owen Wilson so sad he tried to kill himself!

Side note:  A-Rod?  I-C-K.

Ho Ho Ho Awards: Who’s the Biggest A-Rod Ho?.

Italian-Italian v American-Italian?

This harkens back to one of my first posts…about why accents are so damn hot. But only certain ones, kwim? ¬† Anyway, I am reading a little story online (one of those fan fiction thingys that I enjoy so much) and in this one, the hero is the son of a Mafia guy…and he is fluent in Italian. And he speaks it to the heroine all the time…and she swoons, naturally. ¬†He calls her his tesoro (treasure) and bella ragazza (beautiful girl)…sssssw000oooonnnnnn. ¬†Back in college I ‘dated’ a guy who was born in Italy (but grew up here) and spoke beautiful Italian. ¬†He would whisper these amazing words in Italian and I had no idea what they were and didn’t care. Just keep talking, kwim?!

Why is it that ‘real’ Italian is so pretty and what (some) Italian-Americans say is so not??? Maybe when it’s mixed w/a Staten Island accent it just ruins it?? ¬†Like my real college boyfriend (you may call him The Evil One or the Devil, either works) he was ‘Philly-Italian’…didn’t speak much Italian other than ordering pasta fagioli (fah-zjool)…the only thing he called me in Italian was puttana…which means…guess?…wait for it…WHORE. ¬†LOL ¬† And, it was in his grating Philly accent. ¬†Ugh. ¬†If he has said it w/a real Italian accent I probably wouldn’t have minded! lol

Found a fun site for Italian adult slang…btw, has anyone used Rosetta Stone? ¬†Am thinking about asking for the Italian one for Frugmas…we are thinking about going to Italy in 2011 for the Frug’s 30th bday and I want to know the language ūüėČ

Sea Hag to Old Whore Update

So, as promised, here’s my update on my magical transformation from Sea Hag back into an Old Whore. Cue eye roll and derisive snicker. Back in Sept., you may recall that I looked in the mirror and, much to my chagrin, saw the yellow fried straw that was my hair…the wrinkled brown-spotted leather that was my skin…the sagging mass of jello that was my butt…I vowed to ameliorate (that’s for you, Jen) the hideous situation(s)…

So, part of my plan has WORKED! ¬†Shocking!! ¬†Here’s the good stuff:

LATISSE! ¬†WOW. ¬†This stuff really really works. ¬†Been using it since early Sept. My eyelashes are, in word, f*ckingamazing. ¬†Long LONG. Black. So black that I can go without mascara (actually look better without mascara b/c they are just so long — the mascara is best saved for Date Nights or other special occasions) and are so black that it seems to look like I have eyeliner on (top only) even when I don’t! ¬†WIN WIN WIN! ¬†The only drawback, if you could call it that, is that the lashes do need to be curled or I look a bit like the Snuffleupagus. ¬†And, I have decided to start using the Latisse every other night, rather than every night. ¬†Cannot imagine having them even longer than they are! Epic WIN! ūüėČ

long, black, uncurled lashes

The next thing that was WORKED (woot!) is the Sketchers Shape Ups! Remember these not-cool-looking sneaks?

Shape Ups for the WIN!

They are vaguely orthopedic looking, no? ¬†But, they are so comfy. ¬†Seriously could wear them all day and night. ¬†I wear them on the treadmill, walking the Black Beast, doing errands. ¬†It’s like walking on fluffy clouds. ¬†AND, the best part? ¬†I swear to God…my butt *is* higher and tighter! ¬†Not like you would ever look at me and say ‘OMG, her butt is so small and tight and hot’ or anything..but…I am 43 and my butt is looking maybe 40 now! ūüėČ ¬†Another WIN!

Onto the hair. ¬†This one is difficult to categorize due the ever-changing nature of the beast. ¬†One day I’m freshly highlighted and trimmed, the next? Big gray stripe and split ends! ¬†WTH? ¬†But, overall, my hair is vastly improved. Have had it done 3x since Sept. (maintenance is a b*tch, people) with LOWlights…had the just the roots touched up as well. And, I asked my guy, Danny, to ‘warm it up’ this last time. ¬†And THAT has really helped. ¬†It’s just so much better than my ‘cool’ tone, which surprised me b/c I am naturally more of an ash blonde (and G is a very ashy almost green haired kid)…but, instead of it becoming orangey or reddish (which is what warm meant in my head), it’s just subtly more of a caramel tone, I think. Still highlighted but toned way down. Much much better, methinks.

Now, the one thing that hasn’t really worked. ¬†The skin. Have used the tri-luma cream since mid-September. ¬†Overall, my skin is lighter and slightly (very) more even. ¬†However, there are still brown splotches! ¬†I have even been using an SPF 50 moisturizer each day! AND, on the advice of the esthetician, I added a glycolic acid as part of the a.m. routine. ¬†Really hoped for more. ¬†She had said that I would probably want to move to something more aggressive like the Obagi stuff. (LMac? ¬†Good stuff, right??) ¬†Sigh. ¬†I guess so. ¬†KBB advised a laser treatment but I’m still too scared ūüėČ ¬†Oh, and another downside is that you cannot wax when using a retinoid like tri-luma. ¬†Apparently, the skin is weakened and the wax could rip off another layer (or 2!) of skin! ¬†Yikes. ¬†So, that meant I have had to do ‘threading’ which is &@$@) torture. ¬†Brows, lip, chin. ¬†Agony. Way more painful than waxing. ¬†Grumble.

Overall, not too shabby. ¬†At my age, I will take any improvements! ¬†Better to move ever-so-slightly ahead than to backslide, right?? Right. ¬†But, we’re having this blizzard and what’s a girl to do? EAT. Not walk the doggie in her Shape Ups. Merry Fatmas! LOL

Christmas carols, stellar parenting, and still an Old Whore

Have had some complaints about the blog-less-ness.  Sorry!  Am so overwhelmed by the holidays!  Am overwhelmed to the point of paralysis though, kwim?!  Sigh.

So, last week, the kids’ school had what they call ‘the Christmas Prayer’…it’s not like a concert or a pageant or anything. ¬†It’s basically just in the church, kids singing, not on stage or anything. One hour max. Very low key. Perfect. ¬†Seriously. Even *I* cannot bitch and moan about it. I actually have nothing mean or sarcastic to say! ¬†It’s a Christmas Miracle! ¬†LOL ¬†I sit there and just soak in everything that is right about the holidays! All kids dressed up, cleaned up nice and pretty…singing their hearts out (except for the 6th grade — all mumbling and self conscious already?! Btw, this is my Garrett’s grade, so I can make the comment freely!) and just so sweet. They end with Silent Night…lights dimmed, candles flickering, me crying. ¬†Every.Damn.Time. ¬†Each year I say “I will NOT cry” and yet I cry! ¬†Why?! ¬†Maybe I have a heart after all? ¬†Maybe there’s hope for me?

Nope.

Earlier that day, I showed my true colors. The Evil was out in full force. Mornings are tough around here. My firstborn and I are so alike, in all the worst ways. I think that God definitely has a mean sense of humor, giving me myself in male form…Sarcastic, sloppy, procrastinators. Garrett and I should just not speak to one another until noon. ¬†He and I are Not-Morning.People. We are tired and grumpy and should be left alone. ¬†The Frug and Peter bounce out of bed, happy, chatty, ready to start the day. I hate them. Anyway, this particular morning, we were running a bit late. I have to light a fire under Garrett, who wants to just stay in bed and moan loudly about how unfair life is. I *try* to stay pleasant, which goes against my very nature. Come ‘on, out of bed…time for breakfast…Peter is already up, dressed, fed, and has brushed his teeth. ¬†G finally gets up and eats, bitching about which cereal I have selected. OMG, MOM! I hate this kind! ¬†Never ever buy this again! We glare at each other. He stumbles up stairs, literally. It’s now 7:30am and we should be in the car. I have to start with the Let’s GO! Hurry UP! I mutter some minor expletives under my breath. He’s in there, gelling his hair. He is 11. He uses that God-Awful AXE body wash and deodorant spray and extra firm hair gel to spike his bangs up just so. OMG, MOM! ¬†My hair is SO UGLY! ¬†And now I have toothpaste on my shirt! ¬†AAAHHHH ¬†I can’t go to school!!!!!!! And then he throws himself back into his bed. Screaming about being too ugly. ¬†HE.IS.A BOY. I end up shouting something like ‘Get the ()$&%%#* out of your bed RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!’ (insert which ever expletive you want…you won’t be too far off)

Yep, Best Mom Ever. Hope the Frug has some $$ put aside for therapy for his Mommy Issues.  Sigh.

Finally, despite my best efforts over the last few months, I still look like an Old Whore. I *do* have stellar eyelashes…but Old Whore with great lashes is still an Old Whore. ¬†If I have the energy, I shall post later about the miracle that is Latisse, my current hair color, the state of my uterus, and the haggardness that is my face.

Merry Christmas. Grumble.

OOOHH! Did you see these fun dresses at Target?

They are ‘Limited Edition’ dresses for $40! ¬†So so so cute!

I bought 2 of them the other day. And, being me, have returned both already. I cannot try stuff on in the dressing rooms. Even nice dressing rooms, let alone the dressing Communist Russia ones that undoubtedly exist at Target. (sorry Target! I am sure yours are a step or 10 up from KMart!)

The Monroe Bustier dress

The Monroe Bustier dress was so cute. I had such high hopes for it! I could see it being awesome for an evening wedding or a fun New Year’s Eve dress. (not that I have an evening wedding OR a fun NYE party to go to! lol) ¬†Sadly, the bust was funky (mine or the dress? hmmm)…the girls just wouldn’t be contained by the underwire bra top part. The rest of it was cute. I couldn’t go up a size b/c then it would have been too large in the body…perfect length though…Just slightly above the knee. Classy. Much longer than Old Whore’s like me generally wear…haha

Marilyn Halter - made Kelly a BIG GIRL. WAH.

The Marilyn Halter Dress. Again, such high hopes! ¬†Very Marilyn in the 7 Year Itch (classic – white dress, wind blowing it up, you know that one) but in black. ¬†On this girl though, big skirt means Big Butt. The bodice area was sort of funny too b/c it had a panel that covered up the cleavage…if you’re going to wear a plunging halter neckline, WEAR IT. OWN IT, kwim? No panels to cover that up! ¬†Anyway, it just made me feel big all over. ¬†NOT GOOD.

Well, go check ’em out. ¬†Especially if you have something fun to do for NYE. I shall envy you in your cute FRUGALISTA dress while I have the Early Bird Special at the Mexican place down the street w/the Frug and the boys. ¬†Sigh. ¬†Grumble.

Cougar Maintenance

Had a call from “Debbie” today. ¬†She and I have been trading messages for a while now. So frustrating when you really want to talk to someone but LIFE gets in the way! ¬†Anywho, she left me a voice mail today, wanting to talk to me about Cougar Maintenance. ¬†Couldn’t take her call b/c that was exactly what I was doing! ¬†I was getting a mani/pedi (Midnight in Moscow – LOVE) and getting the brows, and other unmentionable bits, waxed. ¬†Maintenance. ¬†So important.

Now, I don’t refer to myself as, or even consider myself to be, a cougar. ¬†I am not on the prowl, after all. (well, if RPattz was in NYC this weekend, perhaps that moniker would fit! (lol and truly not kidding) ¬†I do strive to be more of a MELF. (remember, the E is for EVERYONE!) ¬†Because, as a serious upstanding married mother of 2, it’s cool to be desired like a MELF but not to be on the prowl like a cougar! ūüėČ

Back to Maintenance.  When Debbie and I talked, she told me her free time (limited thanks to the happy surprise of Baby #3!) is spent on Maintenance.  This week it was hair cut and highlights and a mani/pedi complete w/callous removal and paraffin.  Last week, it was a microdermabrasion/facial.  Then, she also has her bi-weekly sessions with her personal trainer.  All this to just BE.  Not for an occasion, just to not look like sh*t, kwim?

When the Frug bitches about the “Kelly-Grooming” budget category that is OUT OF CONTROL, I ask him to consider the alternative. ¬†Does he want me to look like one of those (shudder) Granola Moms w/the out of control grays, no make-up, wearing Crocs, etc.?? ¬†What if I didn’t get my hair done? The grays would overtake the browns within a month. ¬†What if I didn’t get pedicures? ¬†Those piggies would become hooves. ¬†Aging is not pretty even on the feet, my friends. ¬†Ever look at an Old Lady’s toes/feet? ¬†Good Lord. ¬†The waxing of the brows? ¬†Does he want me to have a unibrow? ¬†I have had one before, and believe me, if it wasn’t a good look at 14, it sure as hell isn’t good on a 43 year old. ¬†The ahem other waxing? ¬†Well, let’s just say that looking like a gorilla is not good for sexay times…which makes it an APPROVED expense, right? ¬†Seriously, it’s money well spent. ¬†Are you with me, sistahs??

Have submitted Cougar Maintenance to Urban Dictionary. ¬†It has been APPROVED and will be published in the next couple of days. ¬†Here’s a preview:

Cougar Maintenance:

The mani/pedis, the highlights, workouts, facials, waxing, botox, etc. that keep Cougars ‘in the hunt.’ Otherwise, without said Cougar Maintenance, the Cougar risks looking like an Old Whore.

“Where’s Tina today? Oh, she had to go for some Cougar Maintenance at the spa.”

“Did you see Rachel? Girlfriend better go do some Cougar Maintenance.”


Administrivia

Hello and Happy Sunday!  Where in the world does the time go??  F-l-y-i-n-g!

Wanted to ask you to make sure you SUBSCRIBE to my blog and become a Superficial Sister! You can subscribe via email or using an RSS reader. ¬†The Frug does the GoogleReader thing…I prefer email updates…whichever! Like the term Superficial Sisters??! ¬†I love LOVE it!

I know some of my readers personally and I want to be sure everyone knows that when you see me IRL (in real life!), I am so NOT the snarky superficial inappropriate blog writer. ¬†I am just another mom in carpool…just a wife and mom…so, I think there should be ‘rules’…along the lines of Fight Club. “What’s the first rule of Fight Club? You do NOT talk about Fight Club!”

Whatever happened to Tyler Durden?? Sigh

Whatever happened to Tyler Durden?? Sigh

Believe it or not, there are jerks lacking a sense of humor people who don’t *get* me or my type of sarcastic, evil humor. ¬†I know! Hard to believe, isn’t it?! ¬†But, to keep my/our anonymity (and save my life possibly!) try to not to mention this blog around those who are not Superficial Sisters…kwim?!

Oh, wanted to clear something up while I am at it…I do NOT personally know any Old Whores

wow, watch out when googling 'old whore'! :-)

wow, watch out when googling 'old whore'! ūüôā

or Sea Hags…weeeeellllll, now that I think about it, there is one person who is a bit of an Old Whore…but not YOU, definitely not you!! LOL ¬†Don’t worry! ūüėČ ¬†And the only Sea Hag

such a pretty Sea Hag!

such a pretty Sea Hag!

I know is the one who looks back at me in the mirror…and I am destroying her slowly each day – wrinkle by wrinkle, one straw-like strand of hair at a time! ¬†Was just singing an old Michael Jackson song in my head…”I’m starting with the Sea Hag in the mirror! I asking her to change her ways…and no message could have been any clearer…etc. etc. etc” Yeah, too much time on my hands again…sigh…

Blogging this week about Halloween, costumes, candy…and Twilight, as always.

SUBSCRIBE!