Tag Archive | michaelk

QOTD: Justin Theroux On Jennifer Aniston

 

OMG, Michael K!!  I heart yoooooooouuuuuu!

An excerpt from his “article” on Jennifer Aniston’s man:

But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it’s a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you’d think that Jennifer would’ve shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he’ll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she’s already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.

*dying laughing*

 

QOTD: Justin Theroux On Jennifer Aniston.

Nothing Like Cum In Your Yogurt

Excuse while I die laughing. I know you yogurt lovers are all gagging…but since I haven’t eaten yogurt since the who-forgot-to-check-the-expiration-date-on-the-yogurt incident of 1979, I find this gross yet effing hilarious…

Thanks to Michael K for his poetic prose, as always…

Nothing Like Cum In Your Yogurt.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re slurping on a cup of yogurt and all you taste is cum? Or is it, don’t you just hate it when you’re slurping on a dick and all you taste is yogurt? I get the two confused a lot. Well, the former is what happened to a woman in Albuquerque and I guess she’s the type who screams “dontcumdontcumdontcum” when she feels her man’s dick twitch during oral, because she spit that mess out and called the 911.

The Smoking Gun
reports that the 28-year-old New Mexico woman was shopping in the cereal aisle at the Sunflower Farmers Market with her daughter when a store employee named Anthony Garcia kept pushing a yogurt sample on her. The woman put it in her mouth and instantly knew something in the milk was JIZZ! The woman’s statement to the police is priceless: “I spit it out on the floor many times cuz I was upset. (The manager Catherine Flores) told me it was a Greek yoghurt. People love it, it has lot of protein on it.” That’s a really a good cum-on line.

Anthony Garcia denied that he squirted his own fermented ball leche into the woman’s sample. But when police tested the sample, the results came (I need to stop already) back positive for cum. A judge issued a warrant for DNA and blood samples from the perverted Dannon cum dumper to see if he has any diseases the woman should be worried about.

It’s a good thing the woman knows her shit, I mean semen, because most people would’ve figured it was just goat milk yogurt and kept eating it. If Top Chef ever does a semen-based recipe challenge, they know who to get as their main judge.

This woman is my hero of the day, because she proves to all of us that we need to study cum closely. You never know when someone’s going to cum in a cup and call it yogurt.

In other news, the police escorted both Paris Hilton and John Travolta out of Sunflower Farmers Market in Albuquerque after they refused to stop trolling around the cereal section.

Why Are We So Mean To Fishsticks?!

 

 

 

Why Are We So Mean To Fishsticks?!.

(with apologies and love to Michael K, I am copying and pasting his beautiful prose…I bow down to his greatness)

Believe it or not, Lady Gwyneth Paltrow really does hear the BITCH BOOOOOS coming from the other side of her castle wall while she gracefully strolls through the gardens and picks organic cabbage roses to make scented water for her downstairs guest powder room because that’s the sort of thing all working mothers do. Fishsticks knows that bitches try to throw shade on the sunshine and enlightenment she’s spreading across the world through GOOP. All the cuntified hate almost drowned GOOP for good, but then she realized that haters are gonna hate no matter what. In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK (via UsWeekly), Fishy says that an old man in Italy is the one who gave her the strength to go on!

“Any time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you. That’s totally fine. I don’t care. I don’t read any of it. My thing with Goop has always been, if you don’t like it, then don’t log onto it. There were a couple of times when I thought ‘I’m just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don’t want to do it.’ But then I was like, ‘Who cares what some lame person out there says?’ I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, ‘I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.’ And that is so worth it to me.”

 

If she switched out “sincerity” for “pretentious superiority,” the bitch would be speaking the truth! And you know that “old man in Italy” was Apple in a white beard and a straw hat. Fishy’s lady-in-waiting made Apple do it to cheer the GOOP up. But did Apple really have to make Fishy sound like the ambassador to Nashville? We’ll just call Nashville “Goopville” from now on!

The thing is, THIS BITCH actually thinks that she’s helping the public at large with her words and tips of wisdom. If GOOP was called The Rich Ladies Guide To Being Better Rich Ladies and if Fishsticks pulled her head out of her GOOPHOLE to see how most of the world lives, I wouldn’t have a problem with her ass. Bitch is out of touch.

In a recent edition of GOOP, Fishy wrote about how all of us should really do an after-holiday cleanse and then she recommended this bullshit product that cost $450!!!!! It’s like this head-in-the-ass ho doesn’t know that most people need that $450 to pay an overdue electric bill and buy a box of ramen noodles at Costco for the week. Not all of us can afford to shit for $450. If Fishy simply declared, “I’M RICH, I’M WHITE, I’M FAMOUS, I’M AN OSCAR WINNER, I’M BETTER THAN YOU AND I’M LOVIN’ IT!“, I’d join her fan club.

Oh, and because you needed to know, Fishy is best friends with Beyonce:

“In England, people are cool. They’re really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you’re driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that’s against the law. They can’t put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids’ faces. I miss America, but I love living in the UK.”

And the peasants groan…..

That Dog…..

That Dog…...

OMFG, that MichaelK from Dlisted is so bad, so funny, so wrong…this piece is supposed to be about Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez (mmmm) and his dog…it ends up being about MichaelK and a hookup he had with a guy who had a dog…this dog was huge. Like “if Marmaduke was a Hogan” huge.

More quotes:

That dog isn’t only made of evil, it’s made of saliva too.

You know, because we were licking each other’s parts and there’s the dog licking his right next to us. Menage a NO! NO! NO!

I swear that dog winked at me like, “Bye, whore.”

Celebrities, Fauxlebrities, Douche Bags, and more

Can we sue Angelina Jolie for sucking all the hotness out of Brad Pitt??  Just saw his latest magazine cover and he looks terrible.  Wrinkled, grizzly bear facial fur…and his eyebrows make him look so sad.  When he was with Jennifer Aniston, he was always smoking hot. Sure, he wasn’t saving the world one orphan at a time back then but at least he was taking care of himself!  I know having 6 kids can age you but how many nannies do they have?  One for each child at least from what I have read.  No excuse for looking like Robert Redford already (now, I do love RR but he is a craggy-faced old man these days, right??)…Mr. Pitt, please shave, get a really good facial, perhaps a peel or 4…do a detox…and sleep…lots of sleep.

Speaking of Jennifer Aniston, why do bloggers insist on calling her ‘Maniston’??  She is so NOT manly.  She is very soft and girly…gorgeous skin…silky hair…amazing body…how in God’s name would anyone think she looks like a man??  She doesn’t even have man-hands!

Anyone else think Tony Romo broke up w/Jessica Simpson b/c of that whoreanus blue and red HORIZONTAL striped dress she wore to that golf tournament in MD?  OMG, she looked awful in that!!!  She must have a stylist, right??  Who puts a curvy-bordering-on-chunky (sorry!!  girlfriend has gotten thick!) in a horizontal striped anything?  WTF?  Brad thinks Tony dumped her b/c she’s fat…and that there is some sort of NFL Quarterback competition for ‘hottest spouse’ that Tom Brady is winning now and forever…

What do Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson have in common?  Or, should I ask ‘who’??  John Mayer.  What do we think of him???  He’s tall, a musician, seems intelligent…so why is he a douche bag?  All the gossip sites call him a DB and he even refers to himself as one!  And, does anyone think it’s true that he pees on people during sex?????  I have read that on a number of blogs and really wonder about it.  Did he pee on JA??  I can see him doing it to JS b/c she seems to be a low self esteem girl who would let some clown piss on her.  But, Aniston??  And how in the hell is that sexy???  Oooh baby, piss on me.  YUCK.

How about the Jon and Kate debaucle?  I guess I could have started this as “…speaking of douche bags'” b/c that Jon guy has really become one.  Who leaves his wife, starts wearing Ed Hardy tees, and jets off to St. Tropez w/some young whore…and has 8(!!) kids at home??  I have only seen clips of their show and initially just despised the wife.  She came off like a controlling bitch.  MichaelK of Dlisted (who is a genius and would be my evil soul mate if a) I wasn’t married and b) he wasn’t gay) writes some hilarious commentary about Kate and her hair…here’s an example:

“If you happen to be kayaking on the Atlantic Ocean this weekend, you might see Kate Gosselin’s rabid possum hair dog paddling next to you looking all cunty-like with foam pouring out of it. That’s because Jon is in St. Tropez with his whore and it’s going to GIT ‘EM!”  Check out this link for a full report…http://www.dlisted.com/node/32907

He also uses the c word either as an adverb or as an adjective…it’s been 20+ years since I was in a classroom so I can’t think of which one it is!  http://esl.about.com/od/grammarintermediate/a/a_adjoradv.htm  He would say something like ‘Angelina gave Anne Hathaway a cunty look’…adjective or adverb?? 

Anyway, that’s all for now.  Have to get back to my real life…dinner, laundry, dog poop.  Exotic stuff!  Woo!