If this has been ‘the Summer of Death’, this week is my ‘Week of Insults’…and sadly, none were delivered by me. They were rained UPON me. A very nasty reversal of fortune for me — LOL.
I shall begin with the most minor one. Had my semi-annual dentist appt. Had a very thorough, although not brutal, hygienist. After she was done with the scraping and poking, she busied herself behind me w/paperwork and whatnot while we waited for the dentist to sign off on me, so to speak. Which bugs me, btw. The hygienist does ALL the work. The dentist comes in and looks in your mouth for a second and he gets all the glory 😉 So, anyway, she asks me ‘have you ever whitened your teeth?’…she cannot see my narrowed eyes since she is behind me…I say ‘yes, I have bitch’ Then she asks ‘have you considered doing a touch-up?’ Lucky for her that she cannot see the wrathful eye lasers that could vaporize her where she stands…’perhaps’ I reply icily…
So, yellowed fangs. Cool. Good to know.
Next up, the scene is a bagel shop. I go in and order my standard Diet Coke and an onion bagel, toasted w/butter…no disgusting cream cheese, ugh. I felt semi-cute today…wasn’t wearing my Target workout gear at least! Had on a purple/blue sort of tie dyed tee w/a lovely coordinating scarf. The girls behind the counter were speaking Spanish…and I realized that they were talking about ME. B*tches! Here’s what they said:Girl #1: Mira la camiseta de ella… Girl #2: Los colores son bonitos… Girl #1: …pero mal para otoño Loosely translated… Girl #1: Look at her tee shirt Girl #2: The colors are pretty Girl #1: But wrong for Fall! I wanted to gallop up on a horse like Ben Stiller in Anchorman and scream : “Como Estan B*TCHES!”
I mean, HOLA, they weren’t speaking Mandarin Chinese or anything obscure…it’s Spanish. Peter probably could have translated it. I gave them a glare that said ‘listen beeches, it is NOT Fall yet, it’s not even Labor Day! And btw, F you!’ All this was said silently, delivered w/the blue steel lasers I call eyes.
Okay, so yellow fangs AND apparently wearing a shirt w/colors unsuited for the season? Harrumph.
Moving on. This one stings. When I took Pedro to OT the other day, there was the cutest little boy in the waiting room. I have seen him a number of times. LIke a tiny cherub w/a mop of red curls and a sweet smile. But when he opened his mouth and spoke to me, I realized he was actually Satan. He looked up at me, smiling, pointed his chubby finger at me and loudly said “PIG!” WTH? He smiled again, and said again, “PIG!”…I was stunned…I looked at his mother who was sitting there smiling. I had to ask ‘um, did he just call me a PIG?’ She said ‘oh no, he has speech issues…he meant PINK for your shirt’ Which, btw, was NOT pink, it was coral-ish. But, okay, maaaayyybeeee I could let him live b/c toddlers don’t know the color coral, right? The OT came out then and he pointed at her and said ‘not pig’…she wasn’t wearing pink either BUT she is much thinner than I am…hmmmm. Jury is out on this one 😉
Total? Yellow teeth, bad fashion choices, AND am a pig. Excellent.
So, after being mocked and insulted by the masses this week, I really need Brad. I need him to forget that the AmEx bill came. I need him to hold me, look at my sun-ravaged face, gaze into my nearly sightless eyes, stroke my straw-like hair and tell me how pretty I am. But, alas, he is at his weekly meeting of the Love Handles Club for Men. So, it’s Edward Cullen AGAIN 😉