Tag Archive | halloween candy

Halloween Candy Be Damned!!

Yeah, I’m lazy…am re-posting another item I wrote a year ago…damnit, I was way funnier and more creative a year ago!  *wails* What has happened to me!

OMG, so I *just* blog about saying hell no to the Halloween Candy and head out to Costco.  Mistake. (not matter what time you go, it’s a zoo…you buy too much…etc.etc.) As soon as I walk in, there it is. The MOUNTAIN of Halloween Candy. It was piled high, taller than I am!  Enormous bags of aalllll the good stuff.  And, it spoke to me.

Halloween Candy:  KKKKkkkkkkkeeeeeellllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Come over here! Come look at our adorable packaging! We’re here at Costco so we are obviously a ‘good deal’ and ‘Frug-approved’…

Me: F*ck off, candy.

Halloween Candy: C’mon! We love you! We’re here for you, always!  You are looking so skinny!  Must be those Sketchers Shape-ups you bought…

Me: STFU, candy. I quit you.

Halloween Candy: You can’t quit us! We are in MINI packages!  Mini packages can never hurt you! It’s all good! And, dark chocolate is good for you!

Me: growl…hisssss…..

Halloween Candy: You’ve had a hard day, you DESERVE some candy! You’ve done laundry, the dishes, walked the dog…cyber-stalked Robert Pattinson…

Me: Edward Cullen???  Robert??? (dazed look in my eyes)

Halloween Candy: That’s right, come on over here…hold the 100 piece bag in your hands…tthhhaaaatttt’ssssss iiiitttttt…ggggoooooodddd.

Me: You are my personal brand of heroin, chocolatey deliciousness…

Me: Candy?  You.Complete.Me.

Me: Wait! Nnnnnnnnoooooooooooo! I can’t! GAH!

Toss bag back into bin…run away, screaming…

Welcome to the Season of Gluttony (again)

I wrote this a year ago…and I think it still rings true!  September is over – BBQs are over…the pools are closed…time to EAT, right?  Moo.

The *@$&*@ Halloween candy nice stash! woot!been out on the store shelves since Labor Day basically.  WAY TOO SOON.  Oh, and it’s Football Season…let’s eat 7 layer dip on our couches and scream at the TV!!

 

thank goodness this does NOT appeal to me!

thank goodness this does NOT appeal to me!

 

(and if you go to the games, it’s time for chili dogs and beers!) Next up, after we have eaten 357 bags of candy, is Thanksgiving…and there are the requisite lead-up-to-Tgiving events that require us to bake (and eat) even more pumpkin pie…just as you have digested your turkey and stuffing (what an appropriate word, right?), time to bake Christmas cookies!

 

butter+flour+sugar...the holy trinity

butter+flour+sugar...the (un)Holy Trinity

 

Lots of parties aka foodfests to celebrate the birth of Jesus, right?! 😉  Oh, then let’s ring in the New Year w/more food and cocktails…nothing says “New Year” like a hangover and indigestion.  January is the Playoffs and the Superbowl gluttonfest, so more beer, more chicken wings, more fat!  images-8Valentine’s Day?  Bring on the (&$@ candy again!  Go out to a ‘special dinner’ and gorge yourselves.  Ugh.  And, at some point during all of this, the (@&$@ Girl Scout cookies arrive.  Damn the Girl Scouts and their delicious Thin Mints and Tagalongs.

 

I hate the Girl Scouts with a passion

I hate the Girl Scouts with a passion

 

Easter?  A religious celebration or another excuse to trot out the candy bowl? Grumble.  When is it NOT “Eating Season”?  The summer? Is it Bikini Season or is it about cookouts, cocktails, crabs, and boardwalk food???

Not sure why I am on this rant today.  Maybe it just seems like we’re all doomed to be fatties.

 

nice tee shirt

nice tee shirt

 

I wonder if all this food is just an American thing??  Is there a Season of Gluttony in other cultures??

Well, I am NOT buying the Halloween candy until 10/31 this year, damnit.  I am NOT going to care what the selection is that day or whether it’s a good price. I cannot start off the ‘holiday season’ by buying the Halloween candy early…we all know what happens…let’s open the bag and maybe just have one tiny piece…repeat…repeat until bag is empty…MOO.

Not me, not this year.  Who’s with me?!