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Magical Diet Coke Lids

images**this happened a few months ago so my apologies to my pals who have heard this already…**

My Diet Coke addiction is well known. I crave it. I live it. I love it. I love how it feels when it hits my mouth, it’s so good (Old School bastardized quote – sorry)…anyway…as much as I love my DC, I HATE when a lazy fast food worker tries to mess w/me by passing off regular Coke as Diet…I will ALWAYS ask ‘is this Diet?’ and taste it before I drive away.  Because they lie.  They will LIE about DC!  WTF?  One of Peter’s first phrases was ‘is this Diet?’ So proud of my parenting.  Anyway…

Getting my usual ‘Medium Diet Coke please’…drive up and am handed the cup o’deliciousness. I ask ‘is this Diet?’ ‘Yes’…I taste it. @)(&$)$&@ mfwtf?! It’s regular Coke!!!  Do they do it just to f*ck with me?  Just to see me spit it out?? Watch me recoil in horror?!  So, continuing w/my facade of politeness, I say ‘excuse me, this is actually regular Coke and I ordered Diet Coke’ and hand it back…the woman looks at me…she then presses the little ‘diet’ button on the plastic lid and says ‘eez Diet’…as if pressing the little button thingy MAGICALLY TRANSFORMS it into Diet Coke!!!

Dumbfounded. Incredulous.  

I do eventually convince her to just pour another DC for me…

Real story. True. Swear to God.

Here’s a fun link to Will Ferrell Quotes…
#mce_temp_url#

Inconsiderate A$$holes

If you were in the Clarendon area, near the Apple store, at around 1pm today, you would have seen a lovely stand-off over a parking spot…and I was involved.  Now, I am NOT a confrontational person, I flee from it…if you cut me off in traffic, I may mutter some sort of obscenity but I won’t blare my horn or give you the finger.  If someone is trying to merge onto the highway, I let them…even if they have waited til the last #(&@$ second as if blissfully unaware of the merge.  Again, no honking, no gestures…  I let pedestrians cross the street, I don’t speed up and curse them… if someone has their turn signal indicating which way they are going, I don’t get in that lane and cut them off…Life is too short for that crap, doncha think?

Cut to today…had my usual half-assed workout…decided to check out South Moon Under’s 30% off Sale Prices Sale…had Peter with me…he likes to check out the mannequins’ undergarments and flirt w/the sales girls…So, the outdoor parking is all street parking/parallel parking.  Bane of my existence.  Partly due to my inability to go in reverse and know where the hell I am, if you kwim?  I see someone pulling out, leaving 2 open spots next to one another.  There’s a black Mercedes in front of me.  He backs into the first spot and I front-end-in to get into the 2nd spot which was behind his spot.  Maybe *I* am an ass for front end inning but that’s usually my only prayer of getting into a spot! I suck, I admit it!  Anywho, the guy is backing up and continues to back up into the spot I am pulling into.  I toot my horn gently to let him know I’m there.  Oh, he knows I am there. And he is somehow pissed about it.  He keeps coming into the spot that I am halfway in…I sit incredulously, wondering aloud about what the hell this guy is doing. I wait a second and gently toot again and make a ‘move forward’ kind of gesture.  What does he do? He puts his car in park and takes out a newspaper and starts to read it! W.T.F????  Clearly, he is like ‘bitch, I want that spot and how dare you front end in and I’m not going anywhere’  I had to inch closer to him to get out of the way of passing cars…he continues to read his paper. I put it in park and decide to wait him out. In the words of Zack Mayo in Officer and a Gentleman “I got nowhere else to go!”  I told Peter ‘it’s okay, we have all day’…Peter did learn a few choice words today and interesting phrases.  People were walking by the stand-off saying ‘Dude, pull up!’  I smiled at them broadly. I didn’t want to get out of my car b/c that’s when the Jerry Springer Show shit starts to go down. I didn’t give him the finger. I didn’t blare my horn. I sat. I did get out my cell and take a few pix of his car. His license plate said something like ‘IMADOOSH’ or  ‘MYDICKSOTINY.’  Anyway, as luck would have it, an Arlington County police car was parked in the spot just ahead and the officer came out of the Apple Store.  At this point, I did get out of my car…’excuse me, Officer. Can you please get this man to pull into a spot and let me park?’ Suuure.  So, he said something to the guy…and got some sort of b/s in response which I couldn’t hear. The Officer then said  ‘sir, you are taking up 2 spots by just sitting there’….and so he moved.  This took about 15 minutes.

I was shaking by the time I got into the spot and turned the car off. Shaking w/rage. I haven’t felt so blindingly angry at someone in ages!  AAHHHH

**Editing:  Just wanted to clarify that I do realize that if there were only 1 spot, the front end inner loses. The backer-inner wins.

Celebrities Who May Be Selfish in Bed

This morning, after the alarm rang and was promptly SMASHED, I drifted back to sleep a bit…you know how sometimes you can be asleep for 5 minutes and yet you have the most vivid, hallucinatory dreams?  Well, it was kind of like that today.  

I was thinking of Patrick Swayze circa Dirty Dancing and then Road House…he was yummy back then…recent pix of him have been so sad…I hope the poor guy isn’t in too much pain…Anyway, I was half-asleep thinking that he seemed like he would be a ‘giver’…a guy who would make sure the job got done…nice guys finish last…you know…then I started thinking about some of my favs and what category they would fall in…

Selfish – Stumble into Bed, Smelling of Whiskey and Cigs

  1. Colin Farrell
  2. Robert Pattinson – and this saddens me to think it
  3. Robert Downey Jr.
  4. Daniel Craig
  5. Gerard Butler
  6. Vince Vaughn
  7. Clive Owen
  8. Kiefer Sutherland

Selfish 

  1. John Mayer
  2. Ed Westwick (unless he is gay??)
  3. Bradley Cooper
  4. Lance Armstrong

Unselfish 

  1. Brad Pitt (you know Angie won’t put up w/any slacking in this dept)
  2. Adrien Brody (think about this one for a sec)
  3. Johnny Depp
  4. Ryan Phillipe
  5. Coach Taylor
  6. George Clooney
  7. Stephen Moyer (True Blood guy)

Again, I have no idea if this is even close to being correct!  Nor will I ever find out! LOL

Thoughts?  Discuss…

Whore Update

After hearing a bit of backlash from Megan Fox fans (yes, Brad, YOU) I want to clarify something…I have no idea if any of the celebs that I think are Old Whores or Young Whores are actually whores. I just think they LOOK like they could be…or were…or may end up being…

So, my apologies to Megan Fox, Kate Hudson, Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty, Goldie Hawn, Jessica Simpson, Tara Reid, Nicollete Sheridan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, et al.  Please read the above clarification about Whores.

That is all.

Examples of My Extreme Superficiality

alternative titles are “Top Reasons Why I will Spend Eternity in Hell” or “Yes, I am the biggest b*tch you know” 

There are in no particular order:

Minor Crimes Against Humanity 

  1. In high school, if you asked me how you looked, I would say ‘fine’…and I really meant ‘like shit’
  2. If you have schmutz on your face, spinach in your teeth, a white cap on a zit on your nose, I will let you walk around all day like that.  B/c if you look like shit, I look better.
  3. I laugh when people fall down. Sort of ironic that I now have a child w/balance problems who falls down all the time.
  4. When I say ‘excuse me’ to the person in front of me, I actually mean ‘get the fuck out of my way’
  5. Actual reason to not date a perfectly nice guy…his head was the size of a grapefruit.  Couldn’t get past it.

More Egregious Sins of Shallowness

  1. The day before giving birth to Son #1 I got fresh highlights and a mani/pedi.  Why? a) it’s important for the mommy to be glowing in the ever-important post birth photo w/newborn and b) the mani/pedi/highlights will distract attention from the screaming, writhing and pooping on the table action…
  2. While pushing Son #1’s 10 and a half lb body out of my vajayjay (thank you, Dr. Bailey on Grey’s for that word), I paused to say to Brad, “wow, look how flat my stomach is already!”
  3. Seconds prior to being put under general anesthesia for an emergency csection w/Son #2, I say to the docs “hey, can you do a tummy tuck at the same time?”
  4. Upon waking up from said csection, I ask not about the baby (who was near death) I ask, “hey, did you do that tummy tuck?”
  5. While Son #2 was in the NICU for his 49 day stay, I managed to tear myself away from his bedside to get my hair done…and I am sure there was a mani/pedi in there too.  B/c it is important for all of that to be looking good no matter what, right? 
  6. Also during the aforementioned 49 day NICU stay, my 43 year old brother died. First thoughts? “Shit, I have nothing to wear to the funeral”  B/c naturally it’s important for me to look good at the funeral b/c it’s all about me, right?
  7. Repeat of #6 for my mother’s funeral…but, felt good that we had just gotten back from vacation and I was looking tan and trim. Because at your mother’s funeral it is extremely important for everyone to notice how great you look, even while grieving.

Hmmm, written out like that…not good.  Not good at all. Wonder if the flames of Hell will be a dry heat which is better for my hair or a moist heat which will make my hair huge and frizzy…

Word That’s Making Me Giggle

It’s not a nice one. It’s not pretty. It’s not one they teach in Anatomy. It’s the ‘taint.’  Here’s the link to the Urban Dictionary definition(s) in case you haven’t heard of this:  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=taint  Why in the world would I be thinking of this area?  There’s a story, of course.  Brad and I were out and about on Saturday night.  Date Night. I was looking okay, fresh highlights and a blowout were working in my favor.  The outfit was most likely Old Whore-ish but I do what it takes to keep the hubby happy LOL.  Anywho, rather than staring deeply into each other’s eyes and murmuring words of love, we sat at the bar and watched baseball.  Which is pretty much watching grass grow, although it’s one step up from the mind-numbing boredom of golf.  But I digress.  So, some guy was up to bat…the pitch came at him down low…swing…miss…look out, catcher guy!  The ball slammed into his balls. All the men at the bar squeezed their knees together and groaned. I, naturally, laughed loudly.  The catcher was on the ground writhing. Pretty funny stuff.  But, I got to thinking…wait, don’t these guys wear cups?  They must, right?  Asked Brad and he agreed, yes, they wear cups…okay then…why all the drama?  If the ball hit him in the balls, it would hit the cup and reduce the impact, right?  The guy was in more pain than seemed possible.  So…here’s what I think happened…the ball came at him low, under him…it must have hit him where? Yes, in the TAINT. After I figured this out, I actually cried laughing. What’s worse than getting slammed in the nuts with a baseball?  Getting hit in the TAINT.  Crap. Crying and laughing again.  Say it with me…TAINT. LOL

Yes, I am 43.  Yes, I am a mother of 2 boys. Yes, I have the apparent maturity of a 12 year old boy.  Deal with it.

What is an “Old Whore”?

One of my biggest fears is looking like an Old Whore.  What is that, you ask?  It’s the woman who is just trying too hard.  She’s seen way too much sun in her life.  Her skin is like an old piece of luggage.  Her hair is over-processed, usually way too blonde. The hair is almost always a bit big. Her nails are usually long and acrylic, sporting the Carmela Soprano french mani.  Her clothes are just a tad too snug. She has her boobs on display, with a wrinkled, freckly chest exposed.  There are rhinestones.  Perhaps an ankle bracelet.  Occasionally said anklet may be seen over/under suntan colored panty hose.  You can tell she’s been around the block, so to speak. She’s lived hard.  Lots of booze.  She’s a bit puffy in the face.  She’s got her cocktail and she’s laughing a bit too loud.

There are some celebs who are aging so well that it’s inspirational.  Courteney Cox.  Still gorgeous at 45 and I just know she will never look like an Old Whore.   Jennifer Aniston will not be an Old Whore. Now, she is a sun goddess but her skin glows (what is her secret??!!) and her pal CeCe will make sure she doesn’t slip into any Old Whore-ish ways.  You know who is well on her way to being an Old Whore, despite her youth?  I can see this one coming from a mile away.  And, it does pain me to say it b/c she was LUMINOUS in Almost Famous. Yes, Kate Hudson.  And, you know of course, that her mama Goldie Hawn is one already.  I know, I know. I love her and she does look fab for her age.  But, c’mon, face it.  The hair? The boobs hanging out?  Old Whore.  And, here’s one that I can’t quite slap the label on but she’s getting there with her fried coif…Heather Locklear.  Blasphemy from a Melrose Place fanatic.  I am so so sorry. 

Current Old Whores – Pam Anderson, Goldie Hawn, Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Tara Reid, Shannen Doherty, Nicolette Sheridan, all the Real Housewives of Every City…oh, and Madonna.  Yes, she is pale and wrinkle-free…but she is absolutely an Old Whore.

Future Old Whores – Jessica SimpsonLindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, AnnaLynn McCord (90210 and Nip/Tuck), Blake Lively

Never-Gonna-Be Old Whores – Courteney Cox, Jennifer Garner, Demi Moore, Rachel McAdams (I just love her), Kyra Sedgewick, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Tina Fey, Michelle Pfeiffer, Leighton Meester

Fashion “trends” that need to die

Read this realizing that I am a 40-something mom…perhaps not the fashion maven that some people are…but, I do think I can tell when something looks assy…

Okay, let’s talk Maxi Dresses. You know what they really are, right?  Night Gowns!  And, not cute, sexy nighties!  Old lady, grandma ones!  Now, I know that Nicole Ritchie wears them.  She owns them.  She looks adorable in them.  That girl looks adorable in everything, damn her.  If you want to wear a maxi dress, ask yourself “is my name Nicole Ritchie? ”  If the answer is “no” then put that hideous shizz back on the rack and walk away.  They are the antithesis of sexy.  They are shapeless sacks.  Yes, they come in fun prints and I am sure they are comfy. So are muu-muus and we all know who wears those, don’t we?  Fat old ladies.  Enough said.

Gladiator flats.  Again, Nicole, thanks for these.  You look so cute in them with your skinny legs sticking out of your short-shorts.  The rest of us just look fat and stumpy in them (especially when worn with shorts that are too short)…Toddler girls wear little sandals like this.  Are you a toddler?  Put away the gladiator flats.  Now, gladiators w/a high heel?  They are awesome!  Think SJP in SATC.  That’s a look to strive for.  I have the Steve Madden version of the black Dior heels she wore in the SATC movie.  I wear the shit out of them.  I like to think I look amazing in them! 😉  Do I look like a toddler in ’em?  Ask my husband.  I think you’ll hear a resounding “Hell no!” out of him.

Skinny Jeans.  This may come off sounding like sour grapes from the chica who cannot fit her massive ‘athletic’ calves into said skinny jeans.  But, I think we all need to ask ourselves the hard question (and it is a very hard question)…”Am I skinny?”  According to research, most of us are NOT.  So, fat asses in skinny jeans?  And, perhaps the dreaded muffin top hanging over the low rise??  Oh my.  There are people who can wear them.  Models.  Actresses. Gals with a 34+ inch inseam. And, maybe maybe maybe some guys who have the cajones to pull them off. Striving for a rocker-chic aesthetic.  I get it.  But, they have to be on the right guy, with the right kind of look. Otherwise, it’s a little gay (not that there’s anything wrong w/that)…

“Juicy” or any other word written across the butt of your pants. Why would you want to advertise that your butt is ‘juicy’?  Eeuuww. If it is in fact “juicy”, clean that shit up, dry it off!  If you want to show off that you can afford Juicy Couture clothing, please find another way.  PLEASE.  Most people lose a letter up their butts anyway…so, it’s “JUCY”or “JCY”…all bad news.  And, this goes for other words like “CHEER” too.  Are we supposed to cheer looking at your ass?  These are usually worn by teenagers…whose bottoms should be off limits, not sporting little “look at me!” logos.  Moms, don’t let your girls advertise that their butts are JUICY or CHEERy.  Please.

That’s all for now.  But, consider yourself warned that I will be continuing this as a regular feature! 😉

Products I am DIGGING and some I’m so NOT

I am loving my Bare Escentuals spf 30 Natural Sunscreen. It has fun packing w/the powder and brush all nicely contained in the tube.  You just twist and the brush fills w/just the right amount of product. I got the ‘light’ one and it is more of a medium, which is fine…it gives me a bit of color along w/spf 30!  What’s not to like?  I got mine at Ulta.com but it’s available at Mecca aka Sephora as well.

Last night before I met Tina for our girly date, I stopped at Ulta and picked up Urban Decay’s Pocket Rocket Lip Gloss. Am a lip gloss fanatic.  If it comes in a fun pink and has cute packaging, I am so IN. Have to say tho, I was a bit confused by this one…’pocket rocket’? Seems like a name for a vibrator!  (ahem…from what I hear, that is)  It’s packaging is nice and slim and would fit easily in a pocket w/out a weird lump…it also says:  “Rub the tube to release pheromones into the air—chemical signals that are undetectable by smell, but enhance mood and sexual attraction.”  Um, okay.  I’ll test out the pheromone part when the Hubs gets back.  I chose the color “David” (“James” was my back-up color choice) and it was a nice shade of pink but the flavor is not-so-good.  It’s described as ‘creme brulee’ which is an interesting choice for a lip gloss flavor 😉  A bit eeuuww.

Am just trying out the Cargo LashActivator Mascara (got mine at Sephora).  I want to try Latisse but a) it costs over $100 and b) it may or may not turn my blue eyes brown!  (am I dating myself too much if I recall Crystal Gayle’s ‘Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue’??  Yes, I guess I am!)  I just started using it so I can’t say yay or nay just yet.  So far, it goes on smoothly and is a nice ‘primer’…not that I have time or energy to add ‘lash primer’ to my non-existent routine!  So, if I don’t see some sort of results, it’s buh-bye!

And, lastly…

Am waiting anxiously for the release of the new DuWop Lip Venom V. Yes, that is V for VAMPIRE!  They say:

Lip Venom V is not your typical DuWop venom. Instead of a gloss, Lip Venom V is a shimmering crimson lip stain suspended in a venom-laced liquid lip conditioner with a super potent bite (watch out!), and contains argan, avocado, olive oils and vitamin E. 

It can be pre-ordered at shop.duwop.com.  Just hoping Edward Cullen knows when my shipment arrives 😉