Dearest Darling Dog,

I realize it’s raining. The grass is wet. You are a fragile house dog who doesn’t like getting his delicate paws wet.  *snorts*

You seem to think the rain somehow gives you a pass to POOP ON THE DECK!!!

What the hell??!?!!!

You’re 105 lbs of hulking dog! You are a LABRADOR RETRIEVER!! ! A WATER DOG. Your ancestors worked alongside fisherman in the freezing waters off of Newfoundland!! You can’t get your paws wet??

“But MOM! The grass and water squish in between my paw pads and it squicks me out!”

Do NOT poop on the deck. That is an order.

That is all.

Love,

Mom

(aka Easter Incentive Trip Part Deux)

Otis. A true retriever. Born to swim. He never gets to, though. The water in the streams by our house cause nearly instant diarrhea and vomiting. It’s actually fascinating in a repulsive way.

So, as I said in the last post, young Otis got to go away for the weekend with us. Sweet pup was so excited. Bounced around the rental…I kept eyeing the lovely new hardwood floors and sighing. Eep. Saturday afternoon, the Frug and Sarcasmo took him into the river to swim. If this sounds like it was a production, it was. Otis is a runner so they had to block his ability to escape. Turns out, he wasn’t going anywhere but BACK IN THE WATER. Fetching aaaallll the sticks. Prancing on the river’s edge, waiting for the next stick to be thrown. So cute. He raced on the dock and dove into the water to get sticks. Over and over. 12 and I cheered and took pix. It was a golden time for the Frugalficial family. *cue foreboding music*’

When it was over (much too soon as far as Otis was concerned), we hosed him off and went to the deck to go back inside. Huh, what was that stuff dripping onto the wood? Oh yes. Blood. Blood from the 4 inch gash on his hind leg. Oh, and from one of his toenails too. Fantastic.

After an initial burst of angerdisgustdismay from the family, we cooly assessed the injury. Sarcasmo, bearer of a Boy Scout First Aid badge, took charge and cleaned the gaping GAPING wound. We dug around the house for a first aid kit and found some gauze and tape to keep it clean and covered.

Any local vets? Nope. Well, yes but CLOSED for the holiday weekend. Great. As the blood seeps thru the gauze. The only gauze we had. Ended up finding a Carefree pantyliner and some duct tape and, believe it or not, that worked well. Other than the “what’s a panty liner?” question. *shudders* McGyver would be proud.

So, he’s chilling out and we went to dinner. Came back to see that the wound was still bleeding but much less. And then we noticed allllll the drops of blood aaalllll ooooovvvvvveeeeerrrr the house. Hardwood floors. Tile bathrooms. Oh, and somehow he managed to jump on the bed the Frug and I were using and bled on the (new) sheets all the way to the (new) mattress pad. It was a freaking crime scene.

He didn’t sleep that night. Stayed in the room with us and sighed and moaned and licked himself crazy. Between his noise and the Frug’s snoring, I was ready to off myself.

The next morning, I got to wash sheets and blankets and the mattress pad. And go over each room that had been bloodied with a wet towel to get up the blood spots we had missed the day before. Yahoo!  Happy @)(&$ Easter!! 12 dutifully vacuumed up all the the hair the beast had shed in his “holy f*ck, I’m bleeding!!!” race thru the house.

Finally got to the vet today. Since the wound was so big and deep, he needed stitches (internal and external.) Needed to be sedated…dammit, Otis, just lie there and be still while they stitch your leg up! Oh, forgot to mention that he ended up with “Swimmers Tail”…a fun condition common to Labs and Goldens. A limp/dead tail from “overuse“…b/c they use their tails as rudders whilst swimming. So, he needed steroids and pain meds for that. And antibiotics for the wound.

Total?? A cool $475.

We “saved” $150 on boarding by bringing him with us. A $225 loss. #notfrugalatall. That sound you hear is the Frug crying a river of tears.

Let’s look at his happy face again…to ease the pain of the financial failure…priceless, right?

The Frug, bless his heart, wanted to “reward the family” for our efforts in frugality this quarter. Yes, the family is run much like a corporation/dictatorship. He planned a little weekend getaway for us to the Northern Neck area of VA. (please pronounce “Northern Neck” like Kevin Spacey on House of Cards, please. A little Southern drawl. Nah-thun Nack.) It’s about 120 miles from our house and doesn’t involve crossing the Bridge of Death to get there. #winning

He found a cute place right on a creek (pronounced “crick” please)…complete with dock and boat. Used airbnb which is frugalicious! And, big bonus, they allowed pets so Otis got to come!  *cue ominous music*  This meant the we saved $150 on boarding. #FRUGAL!

Rented from a retired Army officer and his wife.  The place was just completely renovated (gorgeous new hardwood floors) and we were their first rental. *ominous music continues*  They greeted us on arrival and gave us the tour. The poor woman’s eyes bugged out of her head when Otiszilla bounded out of the car. I think perhaps the Frug neglected to tell them that our “dog” was more of a horse than a dog. I assured them (read: lied to them) that Otis was a very calm house dog. *looks for even more ominous music* 

Not too much to do there, very quiet and peaceful. I kept thinking it would be a nice haven for writers.  Rural. One of those weird places where you see beautiful homes on the waterfront right next to trailers. And not nice trailers either, kwim?  So, we let Sarcasmo drive *shudders* and toured the area. Ate some fantastic seafood and, on Easter Sunday, ate some true southern BBQ.  Mmm Mmmm Mmmmmmm. Hush puppies too. *drools*

Sounds nice, right?

Well, things went to shit late Saturday afternoon…Otis “Super Retriever” Frugalficial got to go swimming. The beast was full of joy. Truly. The smile on his face?? Priceless. I mean, LOOK AT HIM:

Actually, there ended up being a price but we’ll get to that in my next post…tentatively calling it “Tail of Woe“…and no, that isn’t a typo.

To be continued…

The Frug has been away this week and the natives are positively feral at this point.  Even cheerful 12 is quiet. Oh how I wish his surly brother would be as silent.

This morning I woke up a bit early. I know, me wake up early? When the Frug is gone, I have a hard time sleeping b/c I’m worried I’ll sleep through the alarm and eff up the morning routine. ANYWAY, since I had some time, I decided to make scrambled eggs and toast for my darling angels. Breakfast on school mornings is usually a quick affair since we have to be out the door at 7:10am. So, I thought I’d give them a nice breakfast today instead.

Sarcasmo comes down the stairs and sees what I’m doing…

Sarcasmo:  OMG, that better not be for me!

Me:

Sarcasmo: I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT. “stomps back up the stairs*

Me:

Otis: *drools* More for me!

How is this bullshit in any way, shape, or form??? Someone cooks you breakfast, you eat it, right???

I should know better. Really, I should. There have been morning where he stomps down the stairs and stomps right back up saying he is running late so he can’t eat. So, I will make him a bagel that he can eat in the car. His response to that is generally one of two things:

“OMG, I JUST BRUSHED MY TEETH! I CAN’T EAT THAT!

or

“OMG! IT’S COLD NOW! I CAN”T EAT THAT!”

Stubborn boy will go hungry just to “prove a point“…what point that is, I do not know.

SERENITY NOW.

I am a definite grouch these days. Otis is on his doggy bed, curled into a large black ball, blinking at me in fear. The Frug keeps eyeballing me warily, giving me random pats, and then slinking away. Yeah, my aura is tense. And mean. Perhaps evil. And scarily, this is not hormonal. #noexcuses

Hoping a week in the sun will cure my foul humour.

So.

Holiday shopping. Kill. Me. Now. Actually, not even “Christmas shopping” per se. Just any sort of retail experience is making me stabby. The drive to and from anywhere is hideous now and will be til after Jan. The parking lot? Don’t get me started on the shocking lack of manners, general courtesy, and screw-everyone-ness of parking now. So, I’m a #*(&$ person before I walk in the door. Sigh. Shopping used to be my Happy Place!

The experience at the checkout today: newbie clerk, ssllooowwwlllyy scanning each item, as taught in how-to-work-in-retail class. OMG. Anyway, I had a bag of M&Ms for 12. YES, FOR HIM. So, he rings it up and says “Do you want to hold onto this??” with a smirk. As if I was just going to rip open the bag and pour the candy into my mouth, as one does. I started thinking about it and all the checkers do that. Any kind of treat or drink is held up and quizzed “Do you want this now?” with an unheard “you pig” in a thought bubble. Is this something that is taught?? “Listen up, people. The customers are hungry animals. DO NOT BAG THE CANDY. ALWAYS ASK IF THEY WANT IT NOW. Because they all do. And be sure to give them a conspiratorial smirk so they think you’re not judging them. But you will be.”

Am I alone here? Drives me bonkers.

You know what I also hate?? I  despise being told to “Have a good one.”  Have a good what?  A good cocktail? Okay, fine.  I’ll have that.  But, every clerk in every store says it. “Have a good one!”  Is “day” too long? Is it somehow offensive and I haven’t gotten the memo??  Gggggrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rereading what I’ve written and methinks I need a good NAP. lol

I think this petty nonsense is why I’ve never worked retail. If I were a clerk,  I’d just say “Goodbye” in a dull monotone and give the person baleful stare and watch him scurry away.

First of all, I am having “quiet writing time” now. So naturally the Frug is playing “What Does the Fox Say” on repeat. Kill. Kill. Kill.

Craptastic week. I have the killer man cold/flu that is crushing the globe. Honestly, EVERYONE IS SICK. I’m usually pretty hearty. I can pop some Sudafed and get on with my day. Not this time. Spent half of Monday in bed…and Weds. too. What about Tuesday, you ask? Oh, that day I spent with 12 and his fellow 6th graders on the Rhode River, exploring Native American life AND the local oyster and crab population. Sadly, the “Oyster Bar” listed on the agenda was NOT the kind I was hoping for.

Last night was Halloween. I fear Otis will never recover from the heroic barkfest he put forth. I heard several groups of younger kids say “that house is way too scary” what with our spooky sound CD, fog machine, AND the 107 lb howling hellhound.  Pfft. Walk away, ‘fraidy cats. Mo candy for mama.

Let’s see. What else? Hmmm. Oh, both boys are finishing up their first quarters of the school year. For conscientious 12, that means a frantic race to finish, polish and perfect all outstanding projects, request extra credit. etc.

For Sarcasmo? Yeah, not so much. Been watching his grades. There’s a fantastic Big Brother thing that allows you to see every single grade for each class. He bemoans my access to this tool. Muahaha. Anyway, I also get alerts when teachers assign tasks. The Spanish teacher send alerts daily for about a week. He needed a marble composition book. NBD. We have tons of them. Asked him repeatedly about it. Responses varied — “yeah yeah yeah” or a *dead eyed stare* or the ever-popular “OMG MOM!!!”  Welp, saw his overall grade drop one entire letter. A zero in the “bring proper notebook to class” column.

S:  “OMG MOM! He’s crazy! I had a notebook!” 

Me:  “Was it the ‘marble composition notebook’ he asked for?”

S:  *dead eyed stare*

Today, last day of the quarter, I harass him at 6:45am “for the love of God, bring that notebook in“…

He gets into the car and pulls out an ancient, used marble composition notebook and begins ripping 2/3 of the pages out.

Me:  “WE HAVE 3497 OF THESE NOTEBOOKS UPSTAIRS!”

S:  “I couldn’t find one.  OMG, chill out, Mom.”

Me:  *dead eyed stare*

This is what he left in the Fail Wagon. I’m leaving it there until he decides to properly dispose of it. *snorts*

I always wondered why mothers of teens looked so pinched and angry and, frankly, hagged out…Now, I know.

Eggs-haust-ed. (*waves to Rachel*)

Long day.

So…here’s what I did today:

At Beach

• Unloaded dishwasher
• Packed my bag..
• Packed 11′s bag
• Packed car (the Frug does it in an “artsy way” that irritates me so…)
• I drove for all but 4 miles of the trip (BRIDGE!)

At Home

(they unloaded car which is nice)

• Made lunch.
• Put in a load of laundry.
• Went to pet store (cat box stunk like wwhhoooaaa)
• Grocery store.
• Went to Dogtopia to get Otis. Not that he even really GAF that he was going home. Jerk.
• 2 more loads of laundry.
• Made dinner and then fielded myriad complaints about same.
• More laundry.
• More unpacking.

I swear, the trip home and the aftermath make that post-vacation glow a post-vacation low.

Meh.

Ignore me. I’m tired and grouchy and constipated. lol

…and I have monkey brain and CANNOT SLEEP! Aahh!

Decided to write a Grateful List because I’m generally bitching and UNgrateful…

• Currently healthy.
• Currently married (!)
• Just had a week of amazing beach weather.
• Got to spend a week enjoying the above rather than working in a coal mine or something. Or working at all. *shudders*
• All relatives are healthy *side eyes all of them*
• Got to watch Otis on the DoggyCam while we were away. So much humping. And sloth. The Black Beast naps a lot!
• Did a little outlet shopping for OTHERS. *smug face at the Frug* #selflesswife
• My roots are still “intact” for lack of a better word.
• Same for the mani/pedi. And we all know a week of sun and sand can destroy the nails and toes.
• Didn’t get sunburned. Thank you, SPF 50!

Oh, wait!

School starts in 2 weeks for Sarcasmo and in 2.5weeks for 11! *spins in a circle*

What else?

Happy that we’re going away for Christmas this year! Mexico baby! (That’s only 4 months away. You’re welcome)

Guess that’s all for now. Not a bad list for this ungrateful COW, right? Ha!

Now off to load the car and speed off to the Devil’s Bridge aka the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. *shudders*

Here’s your word bank:

:

Otis’s breath smells so ________ that I want to gag! To make him more kissable, I put some delightful minty breath product into his water bowl, just a tiny drop. Otis thinks it’s __________ so he will NOT drink it. Otis prefers __________ water from the toilet bowl!  Especially __________ is the first morning pee from one of his ____________ human brothers who hasn’t flushed the __________ smelling pee away. Whoever came up with “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” has never smelled the _______ early a.m. pee around here!  So, now we have a dog with _______ breath that also smells like __________ boy piss!

What a _______ day!

Thanks for playing!

**noting that expletives work nicely here too! Winning!**