Archive | March 2015

Team Clean Butt

When you think about it, there is no other team. Clean butt. Always. It goes along with my other slogan: A Clean Colon is a Happy Colon. What? You don’t have little cute slogans about your ass and the joy it brings when it’s healthy and clean??

Why am I even bringing this up? Well, there’s apparently some “backlash” against butt wipes. You know, the moist (eek) wipes for your pooper. Like baby wipes, but for adults. I don’t remember when I started using them but it was a revelation. I had no idea just how clean my butt could be!

I’m now thinking of Pedro’s preschool teacher discussing potty training: “I tell the kids, get some toilet paper, reach back. and wipe. “Does it have poop on it? Yes? Then wipe again. Is there still poop there? Keep wiping.”  She was lamenting the fact that she had a Master’s degree and yet her whole day was spent on butt wiping instruction. Important stuf tho. Right??

Anyway.

This guy is writing about how the flushable wipes are messing up the sewage systems. Do. Not. Care.

This clown says dry toilet paper is all you need. Um, nope. Do yourself a favor and read the comments section. People are HILARIOUS.

Dear readers, go to the bathroom right now. Drop trou, and wipe your ass with a sheet of toilet paper. Really get in there.

Did it come back clean? Congratulations. Butt wipes may not be for you. Not so much? I suggest you start drinking heavily, rethink your entire life, and buy some fucking butt wipes.

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Seriously! The way I see it, there are only so many solutions to swamp ass.

  • Shower every time you take a shit
  • Use an inordinate amount of toilet paper, chafing your ass in the process and praying that the toilet doesn’t clog because you’ve been in there half an hour and your guests are starting to worry
  • Develop a daily regimen of opioid substances, be it Vicodin, pethidine, or Immodium (you fucking pussy), you’ll only have to poo once a week and the diamond-hard butt nuggets will pass with no residue and only the occasional minor bleeding.
  • Install a fucking bidet. Bidets are cool now. “Hey girl, wanna come back to my place and check out my new bidet?”
  • Use a fucking butt wipe.

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Wet wipes for life!

If you had dog shit on your arm would you used a dry paper towel to get it clean? Hell no you wouldn’t. Why would you do the same thing for you asshole? Wet wipe and clean that shit.

Other commenters mentioned something called the ‘Toto Toilet” from Japan. Had to ask the google.

Hold the phone, people. What have I stumbled upon?? Whilst browsing through all the Toto fancy $4K toilets, I saw the “Travel Washlet“… Behold:

So, hmm. Looks a bit um, douchey. Not sure if I’d want to carry that thing around. Good thing the butt wipes come in little packets to tuck in your purse.

A clean butt is a happy butt.  Your butt thanks you. Your undies thank you. Your partner thanks you. The world thanks you.

#TeamCleanButt

#TeamButtWipes

That is all.

 

While the Cat’s Away…

The Frug is away. He’s been away for over a week. The house? Don’t ask, don’t tell. My grooming? Well, my plan was to be Full Yeti for the time he was gone but then we’ve had some 60 degree days so I had to rethink that. And, sadly, I have showered. lol Been doing a workout routine that includes sauna time and that, my friends, requires a shower afterward.

What am I doing with all the free time? (“Free Time” that used to be taken up with mundane things like “making dinner” and “straightening up” and answering all sorts of questions from the Frug — “COW! Where’s the ___?“)

Let’s see…

Plundering the depths of Buzzfeed! I know whic Zoolander character I should be — HANSEL! (OMG ZOOLANDER 2 is coming!) Which Lost guy is your soulmate? BOONE! (WRONG! It’s Sawyer! Duh)  Marcia or Jan? MARCIA!

All the cute animal videos. All. Of. Them.

Pinterest. Dear God, Pinterest. I have boards filled with all kinds of vapid stuff. But, I’ve also found great new recipes! Coconut Chia Seed Pudding anyone? Anyone?

I’ve used makeup samples that were long buried. And last night’s “contouring” experiment was um…

I’ve done so many facial treatments. I’ve got such a youthful glow now. *snorts*

Napping? Oh yes. Fiona and I are becoming one, all nestled in the covers.

Oh, I read about a new product that has me fearscinated. It’s called Baby Foot. It’s a peel for your FEET and it’s supposed to be AMAZING. So, if you’re not faint of heart, click here for some delightful google image results for this peel. *cackles* Go on, click. You know you want to.

So yeah, I’ve been busy.

Not everyone has been enjoying this time. Otis is a black of heap of depression. He misses his daddy. Poor Pedro has had to ask, more than once, “Um, Mom? Are we ever having dinner?” Oops, sorry kid.

We had a couple of snow days last week too. People have asked how I was holding up…and honestly, when the kids are teenagers, snow days ROCK. Everyone sleeps in. There’s no “playing outside” aka cramming little bodies into snow gear (why won’t little fingers go smoothly into gloves and mitten??”…we all read, play video games, stare at our phones til our eyes bleed. Good clean American fun.

He’ll be back on Sat. I have a few days left to erase all signs of sloth. It may take just that long…

Wish me luck!