Archive | April 2014

The End is Nigh…

Over and over he said “I will never marry again.”  And yet we have now learned that George F*cking Clooney is engaged. #endtimes (I guess he still might not marry her, right? Maybe he’ll be like his good buddy Brad Pitt and just be engaged for a zillion years.)

Who is this woman? Oh, just your average British international lawyer who happens to look like a supermodel. Your basic nightmare, amiright? After countless actual models and actresses and wannabes…Amal Alasomethingorother. Unfortunate name. Looks like Anal. Mrs. Anal Clooney. Not good. lol

So, I’ve been thinking of what a slap in the face this is to all those semi-nameless faceless possibly contractual relationship women. He is the ultimate asshole, really. “Oh, I don’t want to marry ANYONE.”  Actually, he just didn’t want to marry YOU. BURN. 

Anyone else thinking of this scene?

Sally Albright: [sobbing] All this time I’ve been saying that he didn’t want to get married. But the truth is he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me. 

All of the exes are crying and saying that ^^^^. Or not. On one hand, you got to be naked with Clooney AND spend summers on Lake Como…on the other hand, you had to make nice with c*nts like Angelina Jolie. It all evens out.

And, let’s face it. Clooney is way past his prime, right? The man looks like an aging Oompa Loompa in this photo!

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Quick Springtime PSA

After the never-ending winter, I *think* it’s safe to say it’s now SPRING. Before you scamper off to shove your hooves into your fave flip flops, take a moment to look at those feet. Really look at them. I’m betting they’re pretty gross right now. Months and months of being trapped in boots and thick socks and dry heat. Not. Good.

I know getting “super premium” pedicures is not the most frugal option. *side eyes the Frug* But you can do simple maintenance at low-to-ZERO cost. Maybe start by WASHING them. Honestly, you have no idea how filthy feet are and some people don’t seem to realize it. *shudders* My Rachel always washes her feet before getting into bed b/c dirty feet in clean sheets skeeves her out (as it should.)

Next, check your toenails. CLIP THEM. Again, how can some people even get their feet into shoes with those long-ass curly toenails??? COME ON. I personally like a super-short toenail. If there’s any white showing, it makes me envision dirt and assorted bacteria growing under there.  Polish is a nice extra but if you’re being frugal and utilitarian, you can maybe buff them. Or just slap some cuticle oil on them. Caveat — if you’re older and have done years and years of polish, your toenails are probably nasty. Slop some polish on them, I beg you.

Next up, your heels. Probably dry. Crusty. Cracked. Time to scrape that dead skin off! My fave tool is this:

Mine is double sided, coarser on one side. I like that it’s large and sturdy and makes the heels smooth. Some of the other tools make your heels rough and scratchy – which is the OPPOSITE of what we’re going for here. Sit somewhere, perhaps over a trashcan, and scrape scrape scrape. I find the foot dust that comes off very satisfying to see. What? It’s a nice visual! Use some muscle. I personally do this for much longer than I should but that’s just me. 😉  You’ll need to do this again after you’ve been wearing sandals for a while. (excuse me while I go do this…OBSESSED)

I found this amazing heel balm at Sally’s Beauty Supplies #frugal. It’s the BEST. Slather it on your newly smooth heels (and the rest of your soles) and put some socks on for a while. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this stuff. It really works.

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thanks to KTB for the image!

Now don’t let all this bare bones frugal talk fool you. I am aaaallllllll about the spa pedi. Partially for the brutal callous removal at my usual place but mostly for the pro polish. I am incapable of polishing my own toes. Cannot. Zero motor skills. And the Frug is not about to go all Bull Durham on me and paint my piggies. *shudders*

I guess my point is BE AWARE. Take a good look at your own feet. Others will. They will look and judge. Have some pride! Or, at the very least, practice good hygiene!

EDITING IN:

SHAVE YOUR TOES. You know you need to.

That is all.

 

A Tail of Woe

(aka Easter Incentive Trip Part Deux)

Otis. A true retriever. Born to swim. He never gets to, though. The water in the streams by our house cause nearly instant diarrhea and vomiting. It’s actually fascinating in a repulsive way.

So, as I said in the last post, young Otis got to go away for the weekend with us. Sweet pup was so excited. Bounced around the rental…I kept eyeing the lovely new hardwood floors and sighing. Eep. Saturday afternoon, the Frug and Sarcasmo took him into the river to swim. If this sounds like it was a production, it was. Otis is a runner so they had to block his ability to escape. Turns out, he wasn’t going anywhere but BACK IN THE WATER. Fetching aaaallll the sticks. Prancing on the river’s edge, waiting for the next stick to be thrown. So cute. He raced on the dock and dove into the water to get sticks. Over and over. 12 and I cheered and took pix. It was a golden time for the Frugalficial family. *cue foreboding music*’

When it was over (much too soon as far as Otis was concerned), we hosed him off and went to the deck to go back inside. Huh, what was that stuff dripping onto the wood? Oh yes. Blood. Blood from the 4 inch gash on his hind leg. Oh, and from one of his toenails too. Fantastic.

After an initial burst of angerdisgustdismay from the family, we cooly assessed the injury. Sarcasmo, bearer of a Boy Scout First Aid badge, took charge and cleaned the gaping GAPING wound. We dug around the house for a first aid kit and found some gauze and tape to keep it clean and covered.

Any local vets? Nope. Well, yes but CLOSED for the holiday weekend. Great. As the blood seeps thru the gauze. The only gauze we had. Ended up finding a Carefree pantyliner and some duct tape and, believe it or not, that worked well. Other than the “what’s a panty liner?” question. *shudders* McGyver would be proud.

So, he’s chilling out and we went to dinner. Came back to see that the wound was still bleeding but much less. And then we noticed allllll the drops of blood aaalllll ooooovvvvvveeeeerrrr the house. Hardwood floors. Tile bathrooms. Oh, and somehow he managed to jump on the bed the Frug and I were using and bled on the (new) sheets all the way to the (new) mattress pad. It was a freaking crime scene.

He didn’t sleep that night. Stayed in the room with us and sighed and moaned and licked himself crazy. Between his noise and the Frug’s snoring, I was ready to off myself.

The next morning, I got to wash sheets and blankets and the mattress pad. And go over each room that had been bloodied with a wet towel to get up the blood spots we had missed the day before. Yahoo!  Happy @)(&$ Easter!! 12 dutifully vacuumed up all the the hair the beast had shed in his “holy f*ck, I’m bleeding!!!” race thru the house.

Finally got to the vet today. Since the wound was so big and deep, he needed stitches (internal and external.) Needed to be sedated…dammit, Otis, just lie there and be still while they stitch your leg up! Oh, forgot to mention that he ended up with “Swimmers Tail”…a fun condition common to Labs and Goldens. A limp/dead tail from “overuse“…b/c they use their tails as rudders whilst swimming. So, he needed steroids and pain meds for that. And antibiotics for the wound.

Total?? A cool $475.

We “saved” $150 on boarding by bringing him with us. A $225 loss. #notfrugalatall. That sound you hear is the Frug crying a river of tears.

Let’s look at his happy face again…to ease the pain of the financial failure…priceless, right?

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Easter Incentive Trip

The Frug, bless his heart, wanted to “reward the family” for our efforts in frugality this quarter. Yes, the family is run much like a corporation/dictatorship. He planned a little weekend getaway for us to the Northern Neck area of VA. (please pronounce “Northern Neck” like Kevin Spacey on House of Cards, please. A little Southern drawl. Nah-thun Nack.) It’s about 120 miles from our house and doesn’t involve crossing the Bridge of Death to get there. #winning

He found a cute place right on a creek (pronounced “crick” please)…complete with dock and boat. Used airbnb which is frugalicious! And, big bonus, they allowed pets so Otis got to come!  *cue ominous music*  This meant the we saved $150 on boarding. #FRUGAL!

Rented from a retired Army officer and his wife.  The place was just completely renovated (gorgeous new hardwood floors) and we were their first rental. *ominous music continues*  They greeted us on arrival and gave us the tour. The poor woman’s eyes bugged out of her head when Otiszilla bounded out of the car. I think perhaps the Frug neglected to tell them that our “dog” was more of a horse than a dog. I assured them (read: lied to them) that Otis was a very calm house dog. *looks for even more ominous music* 

Not too much to do there, very quiet and peaceful. I kept thinking it would be a nice haven for writers.  Rural. One of those weird places where you see beautiful homes on the waterfront right next to trailers. And not nice trailers either, kwim?  So, we let Sarcasmo drive *shudders* and toured the area. Ate some fantastic seafood and, on Easter Sunday, ate some true southern BBQ.  Mmm Mmmm Mmmmmmm. Hush puppies too. *drools*

Sounds nice, right?

Well, things went to shit late Saturday afternoon…Otis “Super Retriever” Frugalficial got to go swimming. The beast was full of joy. Truly. The smile on his face?? Priceless. I mean, LOOK AT HIM:otisswim otishappy

Actually, there ended up being a price but we’ll get to that in my next post…tentatively calling it “Tail of Woe“…and no, that isn’t a typo.

To be continued…

 

Spring Break!

Snort.

Meaningless.

12 is on break now but Sarcasmo is not on break until next week. So, there is no rest for the weary here. No carefree days and sleeping in. *curses*

Anyway.

Has anyone been clothes shopping lately? It’s spring FINALLY and nothing gets me in the mood for good weather like a little SHOPPING! (say that in Oprah voice please) So, what year is it?? Hard to tell based on the clothing I’ve seen.

Rompers.

Crop tops.

High waisted skirts and shorts.

Crop tops paired with high waisted skirts.

and…

OVERALLS.

Short overalls.

OVERALLS!!!

COME ON!

Rompers and overalls are for toddlers, first off. Secondly, this look was popular when? The early 90s? Ohai Rachel from Friends. (notthatthereisanythingwrongwithlookinglikeRachelfromFriends) And how does one pee?? I assume people with bladder control issues (who are not diapered toddlers, obvs) should not wear these. I mean, I realize that one can just unsnap the top part but then there’s the dangling straps that might drag onto the floor of a public restroom…*shrieks*…and then the item must be burned b/c there’s no recovering from that kind of contamination, right???

Anyway.

Side note: my fave Kelly look from that era…pale denim overall JUMPER with white tee and Timberland boots.  I was so cute back then. *sighs*

Even Nordstrom is in on this f*ckery. Look, faux leather overalls!  SEXXXXXY. shopping

Now these floral ones are truly offensive.

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They’re overalls. They are FLORAL. There is a drawstring “waist.” They are capri length (and nice Birkenstocks there, missy)…and have over sized pockets…Dear Lord, how many ultimate fashion violations can coexist in one item?? And insult to life threatening injury?? They cost $116. $116!!!!!!! To look like a fat, unfashionable, hippie gym teacher. (no offense to fat hippie gym teachers. #respect) Oh, and please note the crop top under it. *sighs* Eh tu, Nordstrom?

Briefly want to comment on the crop top/high waisted skirt thing. It’s EVERYWHERE. I just don’t get it. Is that 1 inch sliver of skin supposed to be racy? Sexy? Why??? Even Mindy Freaking Kaling (whom I ADORE) is wearing it.

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Eh tu. Mindy??  WHY?? I will admit the color is nice on her and her skin is gorgeous and glowy.

Sigh.

One Fruggism is “You can wear anything you want if you’re thin.” *scowls* Even super thin, I wouldn’t be wearing the pleather overalls or the crop top/skirt business. Right??

 

Who Am I?

Well, I never thought I would post something like this. Today I, Kelly Superficial, drank 3 8-oz glasses of water. You heard me. TWENTY FOUR OUNCES OF WATER.

W-A-T-E-R.

I loathe water. I truly do. I think it’s because it reminds  me of vomiting. You know that feeling immediately before you yak? Saliva pools in your mouth and you have to RUN to find somewhere to hurl? Yeah, that’s how I feel when I drink water.

Anyway.

Pushing 50 here. Long carb- and fat-filled winter months. Afraid of the overdue come-to-Jesus moment on the scale. Thinking water might help me out.  But, I hate it. I do, however, love Diet Coke.

I decided to dust off ye olde Soda Stream and make seltzer water. #frugal  I squeezed a fresh lemon AND a lime into my glass, added some stevia (mama likes the sweetness!), and then topped it with my homemade seltzer.

Refreshing.

It will never, ever, EVER replace Diet Coke.

Ever.

But, it is nice to have an alternate non-alcoholic beverage.

To further shock you…

I am doing a “30 Day Squat Challenge.

No, it’s not “doing squat” because you know I’m all ready a world champion at that.

It’s this:

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Basically, you start doing just 50 squats on the first day and then add 5 a day til you reach 250 squats on the 30th day. Easy peasy. I like that it starts slowly and ramps up slowly. No equipment needed. No gym required. No huge time commitment. A few of my Twitter friends are doing it too. One said we’d end up with “asses you could bounce a quarter off of into a shot glass.” *nods* Nice visual. I read up on it and it said something about getting a “juicy ass” in 30 days. I mentioned that to Sarcasmo — he has since banned me from ever using the phrase “juicy ass” in front of him again. *grins*

Wish me luck, Superficialistas! It’s like New Year’s Resolutions all over again! Maybe better chance for success now???