Archive | January 2014

Back Away from the Fillers, Madonna

OMG, did you see the Grammys??  (note: I didn’t watch. Well, I twitter watched, kwim? And then youtubed the highlights — this is 2014, people!  You do not have to sit in front of the TV for hours!)

So, Madonna. Oh, My. God. Her face. HER FACE. Overfilled. Overly made up. Too starkly white. So many celebs seem to be having these makeup malfunctions lately. Surely, there’s makeup that looks good both in person and in photos?!

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That outfit. Why why why?

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(Btw, cutest son there! He is adorable!)

And then this outfit. Why Why Why??

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Frankly, I miss the cone bras, don’t you??

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Back to her face. FILLERS. Either that or she’s on steroids, kwim? Stay Puft Marshmallow face. I hate wrinkles, I do. But, honestly, better to have some wrinkles and some movement in your face than to look like THAT. Am I right??

Also, I see that sunscreen has been her friend. Which is a very good thing. *curses 80s tanorexia* But, to be so pale and then puff yourself up and then add the whitest makeup on top? It’s like she inherited Michael Jackson’s stash when he died.

Look at these pix. She was softer, less puffed up. So much prettier, right??

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MADONNA!! Fix this!!!

That is all. I shall sit here, looking, and being, utterly perfect as always.

 

Need a new word…

…to describe the repulsive snowstorm of skin flakes that appear when I peel my black tights off.

Skin dandruff?

Flakenado?

I wore a short sleeve dress to a funeral last week and you could see the flakes of dead skin in the air when the sun hit my arm. I, naturally, kept compulsively rubbing my arms which made the flake storm even more impressive.

SEXY!

Youthful!

Glam!

Conversely, the skin on my face is an oil slick, which is unusual for me. I keep finding myself with greasy bangs. Am I 14 or *whispers* nearly 48???

Thanks menopause!

Oh, and another thing, someone needs to tell AARP to back the F*CK off. The Frug gleefully handed me the envelope o’doom today. One does NOT get an AARP card at my age!

*flips a table*

Where was I? Oh yes, dry skin. Need solutions and a catchy name for it.

Gracias.

 

Pubic Hair — End Times?

A few of my friends were asking my opinion on the new American Apparel ads. You know, the ones that feature full euro bush peeking out of their undies. Yah, those.

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The merkin business must now be skyrocketing. lol

A few thoughts. One, these are mannequins. Probably couldn’t a) get real women to grow out their pubes to such epic proportions or even b) wear a crazy ass merkin like that. Two, come on, is this 1972 euro porn?? Three, no blondes or gingers? Let’s not be discriminatory. Four, had to pose them in undies b/c bush like that can’t fit into clothes, right?

Is this all part of the backlash against Brazilian waxing and laser hair removal??? Cameron Diaz wrote a book and dedicated a chapter to pubes and how awesome they are. lol

IDK.

I’m a fan of waxing it all off, as you know. I’ve done several post-waxing blogs that have provided you some merriment, right? lol My reason for doing it is purely personal and me being weird. Four words: gray pubes must die.

Even in the 80s, I was grooming a bit. Not crazy bare beaver stuff but enough to tame the beast. I was a cheerleader and having pubies sticking out of your cheer bloomers was ultimate in humiliation. And major schadenfreude for me when I got to be the one to pull a fellow cheerleader aside to tell her to tend to her bush. muahahaha #goodtimes

Anyway, this also makes me think of Victoria’s Secret and their models and catalogs. No pubes and no nipples. You see a cute bra and panty set in an ad. Buy it and then wonder why it looks different on you than on the model. Fat shame aside, it’s that we have nipples and pubic hair. Why is that always photoshopped out?? Today’s models probably have bare snatches but we all have nipples, right?? Are they shameful? I’m not a fan of mine but maybe that’s b/c you rarely get to see any in underwear ads therefore you don’t get to compare yours to someone else’s?? IDEK.

Oh, one more thing. Hat’s off (undies off?) to American Eagle’s Aerie lingerie line. They’re using “real” models and NO PHOTOSHOP!! Look at these gorgeous girls and their purported “flaws”:

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Obviously, these are still models and not actual “real girls” pulled off the street. But it’s a start. LOVE IT.

 

5 Funerals and No Weddings

Just came home from the FIFTH funeral in 12 months. JFC. Thankfully, this one wasn’t for a family member but it still sucked to see our friends hurting. Sigh.

Anyway.

Since it’s always all about me, I found my mind drifting to, well, ME during the service.

What in the HELL will someone say about ME at my funeral????  Do they allow F bombs in church? C words??

The man who did a lovely eulogy today referenced the famous 1 Corinthians verse that is normally quoted at weddings. You know the one:

Love is patient, love is kind. shitshitshit

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Oh no. I do not like where this is headed.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. FML, what of my List of Grievances??

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Schadenfreude anyone? I truly DELIGHT in evil.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Christ on a crutch. Where is my doom-and-gloom anxiety here?

Okay, note to my future eulogist, no Bible quotes.

Friends are Life Sustaining…

Had dinner with my Tinas AND Kathie. AND KATHIE!!! For the first time in TWO YEARS!!! *spins in a circle*

Despite weather in freaking Green Bay AND DETROIT (why in God’s name would anyone travel there in January?) conspiring to thwart our plans, we found ourselves together in a booth, sipping on pomegranate margaritas!

Since Ms. Kathie mentioned that my recent blog posts have been filled with bitchfests *glares*, I decided to make this one a happy happy one. And that’s easy, given the topics that were discussed.

Topics included:

Siblings and their myriad flaws

Ditto Husbands ^^

Aging Parents

Periods

Endometrial Ablation ^^^

Gray Hair

Eyelid Surgery

Acne

Child Pornography

Sluts

The Cowboys

The Original Cougar of Harrisburg, PA

and Fucking Assholes of all ages.

Pretty standard stuff.

What? What do you talk about on your Girls Nights???? Boring shit like the weather??

 

Sign of the Apocalypse or…?

…Genius.

KFC Go Cups. Fried chicken and french fries in a container that fits in your car’s cup holder. Because digging into a bag for your food is too difficult???

It is important to have the food right there, next to your DC, right??

Hmm.

In the Fail Wagon, that Go Cup would be way too close to the “drop zone“…the vortex that is the area between the seat and the console where all things go to die. Those tasty fried morsels would end up near old Chapsticks, assorted pens, receipts, perhaps some fries from rival “restaurants“??

Just thinking that this KFC Go Cup thing is being added to the list all the Europeans keep of “Reasons Why Americans are Fat and Disgusting.”

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This “Polar Vortex” can…

…GYI. (FYI, GFI is my newest and most favorite acronym)

Holy @*$&$&%%)@*$@

I live in the SOUTH, for God’s sake! It’s BELOW ZERO wind chill.

I’m at the cannot-undress-completely stage. You know, fully clothed, then quickly doff the socks and put fresh ones on. Pants off, then clean ones on STAT. Forget bathing. The layer of grime is insulating, right?

A few more days of this and the Frug and I will be having marital relations via the “hole in the sheet” thing…whilst I’m wearing crotchless long johns.

TMI?

Semantics

So, is it still called “schadenfreude” if the object of ridicule is an adorable baby panda?

Bao Bao went BOOM!

hahahahahaha

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(click on it if it doesn’t automatically animate)

Gif stolen without remorse from this gawker article.

In related commentary, very poor timing for Pope Francis to declare that Hell is not an actual place. Surely I must burn for eternity SOMEWHERE?

WANT

Welp, Christmas is over BUT my birthday approacheth…

Dearest Frug.

I want THIS:

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It’s called “Hush“…It’s so odd. It looks like a felt onion, or a legume, or something semi-pervy. *giggles*

ANYWAY, it’s like a private nap space. They call it a “personal retreat.” I could go in there with Fiona and we could nap or I could just read smutty books on my Ipad. When I’m in there, I am NOT TO BE DISTURBED. ALONE. SILENT. Bliss.

LOVE IT.

 

 

C is for…

*sighs*

Gwyneth fucking Paltrow.

Here’s her post-holiday detox diet, if you care…if you dare…

Water with lemon for breakfast!  Chickpea “soup” for lunch! Dinner is “Quinoa Stuffed Kabocha” whatever the fuck that is.

And here’s the list of caveats:

Our winter detox has looser guidelines and restrictions than ones we’ve done in the past, but here is what we’re avoiding: dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.

*shakes fist* Fucking Gwyneth!

Here she is in a bikini. Damn her to hell.

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She’s had a small boob job, right? And that belly button looks like a post-tummy tuck manmade one. I feel better about myself already. *pops leftover peppermint kiss into gob*

And her tiny tattoo of a “C”…for Christ Martin? Or another C word????? *smirks*

Editing in: Jeez, I have taken my nasty bitch pill today, haven’t I?? lol Sorry Gwynnie!