Archive | December 2013

Merry Belated Fatmas!

Hola Superficialistas.  Belated Merry Merry. Have been sunning myself in Mexico. (please say is Meh-He-Co)  By “sunning” I mean eating and drinking myself into early diabetes. Honestly, we drifted from one meal into the next. #nocomplaints #noregrets

One day we took a small boat to a fishing village. We ate pie from a a woman who literally walks around with pies in a tupperware container ON HER HEAD. Quite possibly The. Best. Pie. Ever. We had the coconut pecan pie. I swear there were only a few ingredients. AMAZING. There are 2 abuelas who made these pies — I hear they are fierce competitors. Love! Check it out. Pie Lady in Yelapa.

Okay, I’m exhausted and too fat to even type. I shall leave you with a list of things I want to expound on at a later date:

Bowels. How can one get constipated in MEXICO?? And why did the bowels come back online at 40,000 feet? Why God? WHY?

Whales. (specifically, what it’s like to see whales, when one does not like nature and is a paranoid fearful freak, whilst in a tiny boat with only 4 people)

Margaritas. Like, why are real ones so amazing and the ones we get at home le suck?

Farmacias. Like, why can’t we get inexpensive meds at home without needing an RX?

Laundry. And does the Frug actually dip his clothing in sea water and roll it in sand prior to packing up to leave?

Trust. At home, I’d never jut hop into an old scary car, not wear a seatbelt, and take advice from a cabbie who doesn’t speak my language. On vacation? Bring it.

More later.

xoxo

It Just Doesn’t Matter…

Yes, I’m dating myself with this particular reference. I’m old!  Excellent sentiment though. And Bill Murray is always a win. IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER!

Realizing that I’ve wasted years of my life obsessing about crap that doesn’t matter. At all.

Perfect photos from vacations.

Halloween costumes.

Christmas cards.

Matching (or coordinating) Christmas jammies (for the aforementioned Christmas card pix)

School pix. No one looks at them for more than a split second, right?

New outfit for the Ravens game 😉 (well, this does matter. lol)

New outfits in general. Sigh. No one is really looking at me anyway. #oldladyproblems

Bathing suits. Used to have 7 different suits with different matching cover ups. Now, I grab a couple cheapie suits from Target and call it a day.

Grooming. *gasps* I know, I know. I still care. But, it truly doesn’t matter. I had that TERRIBLE mani for the family Christmas party and the world didn’t end!  No one appeared to notice. Huh. Unless they were all silently judging???? Hmm.

Teacher gifts. No one gives gifts past elementary school!  WINNING!

Holiday meals. All kinds of prep for what? Complaints from Sarcasmo and goldfish and cookie eating by 12. Feh.

Xmas presents. Am going thru what I’ve gotten for the kids and the Frug. Huh. Seems like 2947304 stocking stuffers and no “big” present. Who cares? Not I. It’s one day. These kids have EVERYTHING anyway. They want for nothing. So, it just doesn’t matter.

Wish I could give advice to my younger self and say “CHILL.” Realizing I wasted all that energy for NOTHING because a) it didn’t matter anyway and b) the kids don’t remember it. Seriously. Who remembers anything from early childhood? I have vague, fuzzy fond memories of things but nothing in particular stands out. Well, the Easy Bake oven that I got when I was in 2nd grade. That’s it.

So, my kids will pretty much remember this mom. The one always on FB and Twitter, wearing her 25 year old Irish sweater and snowflake jammies, unshowered with a ratty ponytail. Pfft. DOESN’T MATTER.

Oh, I’ll leave you with one of my fave gifs, which sums up my mood (if it’s not animated, click it!):fuck-this-thing-cat

It Just Doesn’t Matter

 

 

Obsessed

OMG! I’m IN LOVE!! *twirls*

Just got It Cosmetics Tightline Full Lash Length Mascara Primer!! You basically just tap it up against your lash line and it makes your lashes look lusher! And thicker! And like you’re wearing PERFECT black eyeliner.

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Check it out! IT Cosmetics Tightline

Worth noting — I am NOT wearing eyeliner in that photo. And please ignore my brows — am in a 2 month grow out process after a hideous FAIL of a brow wax.

Anyway.

The Tightline thing is semi-improving my foul humor over the manicure debacle. *growls*

Color Me Annoyed!

This manicure lasted for less than 24 hours! *kicks things* And I didn’t get it done locally so I can’t go back to kick some ass…I mean, register a complaint.

It was so pretty…and a tad ghetto. Lol

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EvilBitchmas

I am a definite grouch these days. Otis is on his doggy bed, curled into a large black ball, blinking at me in fear. The Frug keeps eyeballing me warily, giving me random pats, and then slinking away. Yeah, my aura is tense. And mean. Perhaps evil. And scarily, this is not hormonal. #noexcuses

Hoping a week in the sun will cure my foul humour.

So.

Holiday shopping. Kill. Me. Now. Actually, not even “Christmas shopping” per se. Just any sort of retail experience is making me stabby. The drive to and from anywhere is hideous now and will be til after Jan. The parking lot? Don’t get me started on the shocking lack of manners, general courtesy, and screw-everyone-ness of parking now. So, I’m a #*(&$ person before I walk in the door. Sigh. Shopping used to be my Happy Place!

The experience at the checkout today: newbie clerk, ssllooowwwlllyy scanning each item, as taught in how-to-work-in-retail class. OMG. Anyway, I had a bag of M&Ms for 12. YES, FOR HIM. So, he rings it up and says “Do you want to hold onto this??” with a smirk. As if I was just going to rip open the bag and pour the candy into my mouth, as one does. I started thinking about it and all the checkers do that. Any kind of treat or drink is held up and quizzed “Do you want this now?” with an unheard “you pig” in a thought bubble. Is this something that is taught?? “Listen up, people. The customers are hungry animals. DO NOT BAG THE CANDY. ALWAYS ASK IF THEY WANT IT NOW. Because they all do. And be sure to give them a conspiratorial smirk so they think you’re not judging them. But you will be.”

Am I alone here? Drives me bonkers.

You know what I also hate?? I  despise being told to “Have a good one.”  Have a good what?  A good cocktail? Okay, fine.  I’ll have that.  But, every clerk in every store says it. “Have a good one!”  Is “day” too long? Is it somehow offensive and I haven’t gotten the memo??  Gggggrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rereading what I’ve written and methinks I need a good NAP. lol

I think this petty nonsense is why I’ve never worked retail. If I were a clerk,  I’d just say “Goodbye” in a dull monotone and give the person baleful stare and watch him scurry away.

May I Dance Wif Yo Date?

Having a fun couple weeks.  Last week, I went to the dentist and the dermatologist. Yay!  Managed to escape scot-free. *wipes brow*  This morning I’m going to the gyno!  Woot!

(Note — who schedules all this doctor nonsense in the month of December? Like pre-Christmas isn’t stressful enough, right?  Well, we’ve met our deductible and so our appts are covered at 100% now. #frugal)

Since we are going to Mexico in two weeks (HOLY SHIT!), I am in a bit of a bad grooming situation down there. Had to debate whether to take care of it and not actually be ready for a full wax right before the trip.  Decided just to let it go. Fuck it!

I’m not “full wool” down there right now but I do have a some nice gray stubble — pretty!  I decided it just doesn’t matter and it’s not like I’m going on a date with her, right?  She’s a doctor, that’s her business. She’s just supposed to go down there, violate me and move on sans commentary and judgement.

It’s NOT A DATE.

So, why did I do my hair and makeup and wear a cute outfit?? She won’t even see me dressed! Come to think of it, I did the same routine for my colonoscopy! Hair, makeup, and outfit for the guy sticking a camera up my ass. #notadate

We all do that, right?  Get all cleaned up and dressed. God forbid the doc sees us unkempt. The doctors don’t even see your clothes!  You’re already in your sassy open-in-the-back nightie when they walk in.

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Okay, it’s over. Thank GOD. Another year of good health!  Wahoo!

Thinking it over though. I did my hair and makeup and wore a cute outfit. We made small talk and then she groped me. Thoroughly. Everywhere.

Shit, it was a date.

Wait. No dinner AND I had to pay her for her services.

Holy shit. It was “that kind” of date.

Whoa.