Archive | September 2013

Weekend Update

Happy Sunday Eve, Superficialistas.

I am sooooooooo tired. The Frug and I celebrated our 16th anniversary this weekend! Much grooming, of course — mani/pedi (used an OPI gel color — Vampsterdam — kind of an oxblood color — LOVE!), Korean body scrub (purr), fresh highlights AND a haircut.

How’d I look? Like a sweaty menopausal Old Whore.

*sighs*

Thinking I’m reaching the point where no amount of grooming (and no amount of money!!) will stave off the aging process. Depressing.

And, menopause can f*ck off. I’m like a wrinkled old furnace. Constant sweat. UGH.

Oh, the Frug would like the world to know that we had an overnight babysitter ($$), hotel stay in a nice hotel in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, day drinking, and a really lovely dinner later. He likes to say “it’s a $1,000 a second” when we’re out. Now, the difference between how I spend $$ (which is the WRONG WAY, as we all know *rolls eyes*) and how he spends money (the PERFECT WAY), is that we had an “experience” together. He didn’t buy me a “thing” or any “stuff“…experiences are much better than say, diamonds. Right? *arches brow*

Monday Misc.

Growly Morning, All!

Thanks to my girl LMac for pointing out I have been a slacker with posting these days!  This whole Back to School business has sucked my creativity! Getting up early at oh-dark-hundred starts my day off shitastically. I hesitate to moan about that b/c I know everyone else in the world deals with this too but…they aren’t as lazy as I am!  They don’t need the sleep like I do! *whines*

So, let’s see…what’s new? 11 became 12. *gasps* I know. TWELVE. With the pimples on his nose and attitude to prove it. That child is going to be a handful. He somehow managed to get the Frug to agree to give him a cell phone for his birthday. A CELL PHONE FOR A 12 YEAR OLD. Ridiculous. All I know is that one night the Frug said to me “There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY we’re getting him a phone” and then the next night I see 11 looking at cell phone plans with a tiny smug smile on his face. It’s a gift, I tell you.

Need a new name for him. He deserves more than just a number as a name, doncha think? Something based on his interests, perhaps? Currently, we have HGTV, Food Network Star, iPads, cell phones, reality TV…cleaning is a minor diversion these days. And vacuums, while still on the list, have fallen to the bottom.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

So, to superficialize this posting…let’s talk Miley Cyrus. I’ve avoided the topic b/c, frankly, girlfriend is getting more than enough media coverage. The media is covering more than her outfit did at the VMAs. Hello, Ass Flaps! I LOVE LOVE LOVE her flabby ass in this pic. *giggles evilly*

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So, then she and Liam announce their engagement is OVAH. Not shocking, right?  But, one day later he is doing this??

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Damn, that is COLD. Message delivered, Liam. That is a public bitch slap. Yeesh.

So, then I felt sorry for Miley. Fine, she did some ridic dance and shook her skinny-fat ass for the world to see and mock. No one deserves to see their former fiancé ONE DAY AFTER THEY SPLIT making out with some ho, right?

Then I see Miley in this outfit and I’m back to not feeling sorry for her AT ALL:

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Seriously??? SERIOUSLY? What is she thinking?  Girl looks fantastic from the neck down though, right? Like a filthy whore, but fantastic.

KEEP YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH, MILEY.

 

 

Help Me, Jesus

I’m about to drink a healthy smoothie. The Frug is very concerned (rightfully) about my diet. I may look healthy but I’m basically just a well formed McDonald’s French fry.

The blogs he follows recommended trying a green superfood smoothie. *anticipatory gag* I have very sensitive tastebuds and have lots of food aversions and delightful quirks. Ahem. So, this isn’t an easily solved problem.

We (by “we” I mean “he“) researched them, searching for the one with the best reviews based on taste. I know some obnoxious folks get off on torturing themselves with foul tasting “health food” in order to brag about it. *side eyes Gwyneth Paltrow* I am NOT one of them.

We settled on Green Superfood Chocolate Drink Powder by Amazing Grass. (Kudos on the company name – I’m sure the stoners stumble upon your website frequently!) It’s marketed to kids, and since my palate stopped developing at age 3, this should be perfect!

Mixed one scoop of the “chocolate” powder with unsweetened coconut milk (what? It’s good for you!) and a scoop or 3 of that dehydrated defatted peanut butter. Threw in some ice cubes and said a prayer.

Hmm.

It’s an unpleasant brownish green. Like baby shit or rotting avocado.

Well.

It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever had. I’m not gagging. Wait, I just sniffed it and it smells like pasture. Oh God.

I need to hit the gym now and I’m worried that I’m going to go all Linda Blair whilst on the treadmill.

Someone hold me.

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Birthday Tomorrow!

Getting some of 11’s gifts wrapped. Thought you’d like to see some.

Windex Touchup – yes, he asked for this.

Salad Spinner for the child who won’t eat salads? Yes, because his microfiber cleaning cloths can’t go in the washing machine. You can wash and spin them in the salad spinner. Sigh. Yes, he asked for this too.

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Kids’ “Fashion”

What is going on with kids today?! What are they wearing??? 11 is in 6th grade and Sarcasmo is in 10th grade. *gasps* I know, I know. How can a youthful person like me have a middle schooler and a high schooler? haha

Sarcasmo wears a uniform. Sort of a “business casual” look for early fall/late spring. Khakis and a polo. Winter is khakis, button-down oxford, sweater vest and a tie. All of my preppy dreams come true! ha! Gotta love the uniform.

11 (crap, need to rename him TOMORROW!) wears nice shorts and a polo shirt, because I dress him and I CARE. It appears that most of the other kids have PE all day, based on what they wear. The girls wear the shortest shorts and small tee shirts. Some of them wear actual gym shorts. The boys? Gym shorts and tee shirts. Sarcasmo asked me if the public schools were sponsored by Nike. The boys in their neon Nike shoes with tall black Nike Elite socks and tee shirts with whatever the cool Nike catchphrase is.

They are going to SCHOOL, not the gym. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m just biased b/c I’ve been around the Catholic Schools too long but I’m appalled at what kids are wearing in the public schools. When the girls actually wear pants, they are so tight that they looks unhealthy. The skirts are ridiculously short. Maybe I’m just old?

Oh, and when I’ve seen boys in “nice” clothes, it’s striped shirts with PLAID shorts. And the requisite tall, black old man socks. It’s like they are escapees from the local nursing homes! Jeez!

Stupid Monkey Brain

My brain is toying with me. Seemingly cannot stop “thinking” when I’m trying to get to sleep BUT is incapable of focusing when I’m awake.

What the hell?

Have a question for my healthcare professional friends. What part of the brain is responsible for the stupid music that goes through my head? Surely I’m not the only one who has an inner iPod that just starts looping songs inside my brain??  I want sometimes for it to be nice classical music, maybe some jazz? Something peaceful, kwim?

Instead, yesterday morning at 6am,  I had the Dragon Tales theme song. *growls* When I was trying to sleep, I had the Golden Girls theme song!!!  Thank You for Being a Friend!????!!! Shoot. Me. Now.

At at 6 o’clock in the evening,  I get “You Shook Me All Night Long“!

I woke up to “On the Wings of Love“…what is that song???  Why is my brain in the early 80s?  Is that when it stopped growing?

Making lunch, listening to “I Know What Boys Like” (when I clearly never did!) *screams*

Even putting music on in my car to try to drown out my inner iPod doesn’t help. Then it’s competing!! Drives me bonkers!!!!

So, this meme isn’t about music but it illustrates the complexity of the brain. This used to happen to me aaalllll the time!  How can something that looks like a lump of fatty uncooked sausage tubes produce THOUGHT? And music? lol

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