Whoa. “Tan Mom” is redefining “hot mess” one panty-exposing-slurred-word at a time. Go check out the video…and remind yourself that this woman is only 44. She is sad, sad, sad. I couldn’t even laugh at her. Well, just a little.
TMFI posting continued…you’ve been warned.
So, back to my fun time at the dermo. Since I’m prone to ingrowns and have that oh-so-lovely knot of scar tissue, what am I to do?? Her advice, go natural. *gasps* Is she f*cking kidding?!?!?! It’s gray! I can’t go Full Wool! It’ll look like a brillo pad down there! 70’s Euro Porn Bush!!!!! AND GRAY!!!!!! *shrieks*
Pondering what guys used to think on their first look at THAT kind of lady garden. Must have been terrifying. Like, “Wait, you want my mouth WHERE?” lmao
Another side note: (realizing that most of my posts are actually a series of disjointed side notes. *giggles* Oh well!) The more I groom my own bits, the more I’m convinced God is a man. The concentration of hair around the clit is ridic. Like he WANTED it to be difficult to find. A woman God would have made us hairless. Or made the hair form a starburst. Or an arrow. *grins* The male God obviously hates women…lol…covers all the important parts with dense fur and makes the opposite sex creatures who will not ask for directions!!!
What about dyeing it?? That’s a big Hell No. We all remember Samantha from SATC, right? Bozo the Clown bush. Not gonna happen.
And, c’mon…once you have hardwood floors, you can’t just do shag carpet. Am I right or am I right??
So, she suggested laser hair removal. Welp, that doesn’t work on gray hair.
She suggested electrolysis. *shrieks* An electrical current in my lady garden, weed by weed?? I think NOT!
Then she said “Maybe just trim it?” *sighs* Again, it’s gray. And trimming makes it into little sharp spikes that stick out of your undies. Not attractive and frankly dangerous to anyone who, um, “gets close”, kwim?? O.o.
With a sigh and with a judgey look in her eyes, she said “Well, if you end up deciding to wax again...” …and started writing out a series of RXs. Antibiotics, topical antibiotic, hydrocortisone cream. Jesus.
So, this is what a 46 yr old housewife gets for keeping her hardwood floors sparkly and beautiful. What the hell does a hooker need?? Boggles the mind.
I tried to follow her advice. I tried to grow it out a bit and just leave it alone and not pick. Sigh. I lasted 3 weeks. The sitch was getting serious down there. I finally caved and waxed just the undercarriage (the “top” part is where I have ingrown issues) so, it was sort of a reverse mullet. Business up top and partay down below. *snickers* That lasted about 2 days and I then waxed the entire thing off. *purrs*
And took the antibiotics, applied the hydrocortisone and liquid antibiotic.
And cleaned off the magnifying glass and disinfected the tweezers.
This is all normal, right?
Alternate title – “Who Puts the T M in the TMI?”
Please be warned, this post is really TMI. it’s TTMI. It’s TMFI, really.
Men, you are hereby banished. Frug, that means you. Rachel, do NOT read this to Paul. Squeamish and/or judgey people can also exit please.
So, you know how I have been waging a War on Body Hair, right? (much like the Frug has a War on Stuff) How’s it going? A losing battle, I’m afraid. (on both fronts *snorts*)
Since discovering the nether regions were going gray *cries* I’ve been waxing it all off. Seriously, not because it’s “fashionable” or because I want to look like a stripper. *ponders* Well, maybe a very high class call girl. Anywho, I get it either professionally done or using a home waxing thingy (hard wax with a little heater for the wax). The first couple of times, it worked well…then the ingrowns started. Bastards!!
Boy, they’re fun. Challenging. I like to use a magnifying mirror, tweezers, and other implements and just go to town. Home surgery. Poke, prod, squeeze, stab. Like popping zits but when the hair finally spoings out, it’s so amazing!! So satisfying. However, many times, I work and work and get nowhere. Just left with angry, red bumps. PreTTy.
Recently, I’d been working on a particularly stubborn ingrown. I noticed that, even with the magnifying glass, I couldn’t see the hair at all. Dig. Prod. Squeeze. There was a hard bump and it wouldn’t pop or anything. Started getting worried. It seemed like more of a cyst or something. My helpful Twitter friends thought it sounded like a…CARBUNCLE. A WHAT? I refuse to having f*cking carbuncle. (go ahead and google it, it’s HORRIFYING)
Went to the dermo about it. Not humiliating at all. *rolls eyes* I lay in bed the night before worrying that it wasn’t a carbuncle or a cyst…what if it was some sort of skin cancer and I’d have to have half of my lady bits cut off?!?! Probably a toooommmaaahh, kwim? Barely slept.
Long story long. It’s scar tissue. I’ve managed to poke and pick my poor skin enough to form a pea sized lump of scar tissue. The only thing that can be done for it is to cut it out. FML. She gave me a card for a consult with a plastic surgeon. TO CUT SOMETHING OFF OF MY WHOSIT. There’s a part of me that thinks “Ya know what? I AM fancy enough to get plastic surgery on my bits.” Another part of me gasps in horror and hides.
Welp, this definitely helps me out with the people who were pissed at my “Look at me in my black string bikini” pix. They can now look at it and say “Pfft, bitch has carbuncles.”
To be continued…yes…you know you want to hear more…
Sent from my iPad
Reading an article about the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard and the poor sap she chose. Apparently, they are “on the rocks” due to a “cheating scandal“…Hmm. Let’s take a look at the happy couple:
Can anyone identify the real problem?? Um, hello? Maybe the fact that he is GAY!?!!! Look at the gay face he’s sporting. And the deep vee neck blue tee shirt with long necklace…and hint of man cleavage…and the highlights? GAY GAY GAY.
Here’s the article from radaronline.
…the Embarrassing Parent phase. It seems I humiliate Sarcasmo merely by being alive. *sighs*
It started slowly with comments like “Aren’t you going to put some actual clothes on?” when I drove him to school. What? Sweatpants are real clothes! Just b/c I slept in them is irrelevant!
Ordering a meal in a restaurant…simply outlining EXACTLY how I would like it…sauce on the side, meat cooked well-done, if it’s Diet Pepsi, no thank you, etc. No biggie. The look of utter disgust on Sarcasmo’s face? Priceless. The eye roll plus heavy sigh are a bonus.
At the pediatrician yesterday for his check-up…having a little convo with the nurse…when she left the room, he turned to me and said “OMG MOM. You make everything awkward“…oookkkaaaaayyyy.
Took him to get a new backpack (allowed under the Austerity Measures since he hasn’t gotten a new one since 2007 – seriously)…ordeal…I was apparently walking around just being a public embarrassment to him…”OMG MOM. Do you have to LOOK at me so much?”
Trying to explain to him later how freaked out I am about him starting HIGH SCHOOL tomorrow. He said “Yeah, just wait til 4 years from now when you drop me off at college and I say ‘See you at Christmas’!” Does he want me to jump off the Bay Bridge?? Does he???
Welcome to Snark Bite Productions. Please “enjoy” the horrible crime-against-humanity video featuring a former blood relative of mine.
Yes, I just posted this story from TMZ but I must post the link to my DListed lovah’s blog too…b/c he is quite possibly MORE giddy than I am about these pix! lmao And, um, move your hands, Harry!!!!!
Am going thru my old blog posts for undisclosed reasons…found this gem from a few years ago (note that 14 was 11! eep!):
11: (read in monotone teen boy voice) ‘uh, Mom? I have a social studies project due, um, on Thursday…uh…I need to do an Egyptian artifact…’
Me: ‘WHAT? And what exactly are you planning on doing in the next TWO DAYS???’
11: ‘Uh, yeah…um…I think I’m going to uh paint some uh hieroglyphics on a piece of wood…’
Me: ‘DAMMIT! I guess we have to go to Home Depot?’
The Frug pops out of his office, and eagerly shouts:
‘I have wood!’
I, being a teenage boy at heart, burst out laughing and gigglesnort my way out of the room…
11 and 8: ‘What’s so funny, Mom??’ ‘MOM??‘
Me: *gigglesnort* ‘Nothing‘
The Frug (not clued in yet): ‘I have plenty of wood!’
Me: on floor, crying with laughter
Yes, I do need to grow up. And, no, I didn’t explain the joke to the kiddos. Thankfully the Frug eventually caught on…yeesh.
Bitch did get her digs in — talk of his “tea pouring hands” and “mothering hips“…but said he looks hotter post heartbreak…and I must MUST agree. Rob is en fuego with the hotness right now.
A few comments of my own…he wears the mini-suits that are popular now. Back in my day (Jesus, how old am I?) suits were bigger overall. The shoulders were wider, the sizing of the jackets was just bigger…and the pants certainly did not get narrower at the hem. The Frug is always talking about the mini-suit and how it just feels wrong to him. Obvs, it works on Rob. As does the blue suit, blue shirt, black tie that I would probably tsk tsk over if the Frug wore it! lol
And, btw…did everyone watch The Daily Show last night? Or happen to catch the pix and videos that were flying around the internet??? I’m referring to the tongue-in-ice-cream incident. Sweet Baby Jesus. He KNOWS the Twi-Hards are a bunch of horny h00rs…he deliberately tongued the ice cream. Who does that?? I’ve decided that that was a little shout-out to his fans…a little “thanks for your support“…you are most welcome, Rob.
(not sure if this gif will show in the post — if not, CLICK and ENJOY!! I cannot stop looking at it…and thinking all kinds of thoughts)
OMG. I saw these ladies when they did a reading of Fifty Shades of Grey. They are amazing. I aspire to be them someday! lol Who wants to be the other two??!!! Join me! We’ll do podcasts from our nursing home or something!
Here are their deep thoughts on vagazzling…
I wonder if people are still doing this?? I swear I blogged about this a few years ago?? I am scared to google the original vagazzler, JLove.
Ugh. Now I have a visual of elderly ladies all bejeweled “down there”…I wonder if they get charged extra for the um, length?
Special thanks to Manhattan Kellie for the link!