Archive | December 2011

Anybody there?

Hello?! Yes, I’m alive! Barely! Spent Christmas trying to stay one step ahead of the Hoarder Truck. I’ll be blogging about my Adventures in Extreme Hoarding AND Fun with The OCD Elderly Aunt.

Til then, here’s the cover of the latest Real Simple magazine. It was apparently written by the Frug for ME!

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How to Break Your Bad Habits KELLY!

Reduce Your Debt KELLY!

Lose Weight Faster KELLY!

Clear the Clutter KELLY!

*sighs*

Creativity Sparked!

Sometimes ideas come to me in strange places. Like the mall. Specifically, the mall bathroom 😉 You know I’m a Diet Coke h00r, right? Love it. The first sound you hear in the morning from me is the *snap pop* of the can of DC being opened. *smiles* aaahhh. My favorite is fountain Diet Coke though. My first stop at the mall is any place that sells delicious refreshing fountain DC.

The problem with all that DC is the pee. So so so much pee. God, I have to pee just writing the word pee. It’s like seeing someone yawn, kwim? haha Anyway, my shopping excursions are punctuated by trips to the bathroom. I know where the best ones are in all the local malls. Yeah, I’m proud. lol Anyway, I usually have a semi-full DC when I realize it’s bathroom time. What to do with that drink???  Don’t want to pitch it, right? (that wouldn’t be frugal! haha) Can’t just chug it. That leaves bringing it into the germ-laden bathroom. *shudders*

It creeps me out whenever I carry my vulnerable drink-with-straw-sticking-out into a public restroom. There are farticles in the air!  Airborne Ebola! Flesh eating bacteria!  Toilet plume (click this link too!!  aahh)! All trying to cling to my straw! GAH!

What to do?? I would ideally like to have a minion who would wait patiently for me outside the restroom, holding my purchases and my DC. Failing that (le sigh) is maybe something like a Drink Condom? A disposable plastic wrap that you put over your drink as you enter the bathroom and remove as you leave. I’m envisioning a mini shower cap type item.

Thoughts?

A Mom Version of Santa Baby

Please go read the whole post from “Let Me Start By Saying…” because this woman is HILARIOUS. We may be sistahs from another mistah or some other badass saying…

So, here’s her new version of an annoying Christmas song:

SANTA BABY: THE MOM VERSION

Santa Baby,
Slip some patience under the tree
For me.
I’ve been a Mommy all year.
Santa Baby, please hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby,
I’d like to be alone in the loo
To poo.
If it’s not too much to ask.
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all
The butts I’ve wiped.
Think of all my youth & beauty
That they’ve swiped.
Next year I could be just as sweet
If I had nice nails and well-rubbed feet. 

Santa Baby,
I want a nap and for my kid to
Shut her yap.
She talks my ear off all year.
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey,
There’s something that I really do crave:
A Mom Cave.
With a soundproofed locked door.
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie,
Fill my stocking with boobs that don’t sag,
Or drag.
I’d like them up where they were.
Santa cutie, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With a bit of free time and some…sanity.
I swear I do believe in you
Lets see if you believe in me. 

Santa Baby,
Forgot to mention one little thing:
Some bling.
All Moms deserve to sparkle.
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry…tonight 

I am ALIVE!

Long, long, looooonnnnngggg weekend, chicas. Made 2 of the 3 planned events happen, so that’s a win. (fatigue won out and we had to bail on the 3rd party – losers!) I managed to only have 2 mini-cries, not 1 huge snotsobfest, so that’s a win.  And I don’t think I gained any weight despite saying “Hell YES” to some cookies! Win all around!

Side note:  Why are cookies so amazing and gooooood? I think they are a perfect food. Flour, butter, and sugar. If they were deep fried they’d be even better. Fried cookies. OMG! $1,000,000 idea! Wait. Crap, there’s already the fried oreo. *sighs* Never mind.

Anyway, wanted to share some of my current favorite products with you!  It’s been a while because, frankly, most products have been utter failures! (why why why??!!!!!)

Some Kind-A Gorgeous (Benefit) Bought the mini version of this at Sephora. I think I paid $10 for it – regular size is $29) I’ve been using it under my eyes and around my giant-pored nose and I love it!  Very slick going on but stays put. 

Stila Perfect and Correct Foundation  Really like this.  Goes on smoothly and blends in without any trouble. I hate oil free foundation that is so “dry” and you have to rub super-fast in order to get it all on before it dries in a clump on your face, kwim?  They had me at this: “Swirl your way to a youthful and luminous complexion!”  Youthful and LUMINOUS?  Yes please!

Ciment Thermique by Kerastase is a life changer for me. It’s basically just a thermal protector for the hair. Simple, right? I never use stuff like this b/c I’m like “the hair is already straw and all of this stuff is just a marketing gimic” (not that I don’t LOVE marketing gimics! haha)  The new girl who’s cutting my hair suggested it and I have to say, the ‘do is much softer than it used to be. Just a teeny dab worked thru the hair before blow drying…LOVE!

Finally, Airborne Chewables!  Have you ever tried to DRINK the disgusting regular Airborne? GAH! Maybe it’s because I have food issues in general but I do NOT like to have to drink large quantities of medicine type stuff. (like the kid’s liquid antibiotics?? OMFG! I would rather DIE than drink all that pink icky stuff!  Sarcasmo, boy after my own heart, CHOSE a shot in the butt rather than take 10 days of liquid amoxicillin!)  I’ve been fighting off a cold for a while now…it’s the Christmas-racing-around-hanging-out-in-malls-eating-crap-not-getting-enough-quality-sleep-and-being-around-snotty-kids cold. You know the one.  So, I saw the Airborne CHEWABLES and I’m hooked! Have been taking a couple of them a day (they taste like those orange flavored vitamin Cs) and I have NOT gotten sick yet! *knocks on wood*

REPOST — Sex Holiday?!?!?

This was originially posted last December but I felt like it deserved a repost…

Went out w/ Bob and Fawn the other night! Dinner, cocktails (ouch!), and checking out the National Christmas Tree (it was really beautiful but freeeeeezing!)…good times, good times.

Last year, I remember blogging about Bob giving Fawn porn for Christmas and just how wrong that was. I may have changed my mind though!  What’s wrong with a little porn for the holidays/? lol  We ended up talking about which holidays would, in fact, be porn-appropriate if Christmas is not. Which holidays are Sex Holidays??

The Frug and I agreed that Thanksgiving is NOT a Sex Holiday.  At all. Too much food and sloth. Christmas? Well, I think if you’re single or married, no kids, Christmas could be very romantic…lovin’ under the tree, etc. For us, knee deep in kids, dog and cat battles, cookie baking, decorating, misc. mandatory events and utter exhaustion…not sexy.

4th of July? Sure, porn and fireworks go together, baby! Labor Day? Maybe…Halloween? Bring it on! Sexay costumes FTW! lol Valentine’s Day is a no brainer. It’s put-up-or-shut-up-time. If you can’t get laid on Valentine’s Day (providing you are MARRIED, naturally! *snorts*), there’s something wrong with you! Easter? No. Not porn appropriate.

Thoughts?

It’s All About The Queso Teeth!

 

ScarJo looks ugly and that’s makes this evil girl oh-so-very-happy! I hate her stupid ugly up-do (reminds me of Cindy Lou Who, kwim??)! I LOVE that her teeth are YELLOW! I love that she’s wearing grandma’s earrings! I love that she has a wonky eye that I never noticed before!  And, her shiny forehead completes the look!

*twirls*  It’s the little things, ya know? lol

It’s All About The Queso Teeth!.