Archive | January 2011

Why Are We So Mean To Fishsticks?!

 

 

 

Why Are We So Mean To Fishsticks?!.

(with apologies and love to Michael K, I am copying and pasting his beautiful prose…I bow down to his greatness)

Believe it or not, Lady Gwyneth Paltrow really does hear the BITCH BOOOOOS coming from the other side of her castle wall while she gracefully strolls through the gardens and picks organic cabbage roses to make scented water for her downstairs guest powder room because that’s the sort of thing all working mothers do. Fishsticks knows that bitches try to throw shade on the sunshine and enlightenment she’s spreading across the world through GOOP. All the cuntified hate almost drowned GOOP for good, but then she realized that haters are gonna hate no matter what. In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK (via UsWeekly), Fishy says that an old man in Italy is the one who gave her the strength to go on!

“Any time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you. That’s totally fine. I don’t care. I don’t read any of it. My thing with Goop has always been, if you don’t like it, then don’t log onto it. There were a couple of times when I thought ‘I’m just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don’t want to do it.’ But then I was like, ‘Who cares what some lame person out there says?’ I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, ‘I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.’ And that is so worth it to me.”

 

If she switched out “sincerity” for “pretentious superiority,” the bitch would be speaking the truth! And you know that “old man in Italy” was Apple in a white beard and a straw hat. Fishy’s lady-in-waiting made Apple do it to cheer the GOOP up. But did Apple really have to make Fishy sound like the ambassador to Nashville? We’ll just call Nashville “Goopville” from now on!

The thing is, THIS BITCH actually thinks that she’s helping the public at large with her words and tips of wisdom. If GOOP was called The Rich Ladies Guide To Being Better Rich Ladies and if Fishsticks pulled her head out of her GOOPHOLE to see how most of the world lives, I wouldn’t have a problem with her ass. Bitch is out of touch.

In a recent edition of GOOP, Fishy wrote about how all of us should really do an after-holiday cleanse and then she recommended this bullshit product that cost $450!!!!! It’s like this head-in-the-ass ho doesn’t know that most people need that $450 to pay an overdue electric bill and buy a box of ramen noodles at Costco for the week. Not all of us can afford to shit for $450. If Fishy simply declared, “I’M RICH, I’M WHITE, I’M FAMOUS, I’M AN OSCAR WINNER, I’M BETTER THAN YOU AND I’M LOVIN’ IT!“, I’d join her fan club.

Oh, and because you needed to know, Fishy is best friends with Beyonce:

“In England, people are cool. They’re really laid back and calm. Beyonce did the school run with me once, and everyone was fine. They also have really good anti-paparazzi rules. If you’re driving in a car and they make you feel freaked out, that’s against the law. They can’t put you in a magazine unless they pixelate the kids’ faces. I miss America, but I love living in the UK.”

And the peasants groan…..

Jeggings, Shmeggings: Meet “Pajama Jeans” : glamour.com

This is more for LAURIE who was begging people on Facebook to STOP her from buying Pajama Jeans.  This is my Official STOP.

I have to say they look pretty damn comfy. But, c’mon, nothing says “I’ve completely given up” like Pajama Jeans! In college, a friend of ours lost weight and immediately got rid of her comfy sweats and leggings…her reasoning? When you’re wearing stretchy pants, you don’t realize just how freaking BIG you’re getting!  If you wear jeans or regular pants, you notice when they get a bit snug and (hopefully!) do something about it!

Another nail in the coffin for these, for me at least, is that my mom would have LOVED them. *shrieks* Elastic waist? Check. Super comfy? Check. Boner Killer? Check. Honestly, the next step after these is her “wash and wear” Spock hair cut, Easy Spirit sneakers and her old Egghead Sweatshirt…

Jeggings, Shmeggings: Meet “Pajama Jeans” : glamour.com.

It’s a Kelly Day!! (or is it?)

Both kids are at school today! *twirls and dances* I have not been child-free since Sunday, January 23rd!!!! And, I was homebound with a snotty diseased child that whole time! *whines*

So, today…it’s supposed to be a Kelly Day because I’m FREE! (free fallin’…sing it with me, sistahs!) but, thanks to the 3 days of snow/aftermath…today was a Get Shit Done Day. First stop, the DMV. My driver’s license expires on my bday (which is a week from tomorrow)! Eeek! So, in I went…forgetting that it was a) MONDAY and b) the last day of the month!  Line was out the damn door. FML.  But, I went in b/c I had to. I got called up and the person was very nice AND spoke real English, which is an unexpected bonus.  Since I wear contacts/glasses, I had to take the eye exam…which is a JOKE btw…read one line? (however, there was a guy before me – young guy – who didn’t pass the eye test! He seemed stunned!)  Anyway, I said to the lady, “well, at least I can use the same picture” and she said “nope“….TINA!!!! Tina told me she was able to use her old picture if she wanted so I went in there today, unshowered, hair in a ponytail, no makeup, and workout clothes. *screams*

I am usually uber-prepared for these pics b/c they have to last 5 years, kwim?? My last one was taken in July a few years back…I had fresh highlights, perhaps a smidge or 10 of botulism between the brows, tasteful tan, cute outfit. *sighs* I have actually gotten compliments on my driver’s license photo! Not this time…I ripped my hair out of the ponytail, fluffed my bangs (which I cut myself about a week ago – so, you know how sweet they must look!), smeared some lip gloss on…she tells me I can “smile but no teeth” which is a guaranteed chipmunk cheek situation, kwim? FAIL. Snaps the pic…and she says “well, at least it’ll be in black and white”….TERRIFIC. Even the DMV lady knows it’s Le Suck. *shakes head sadly*  This ordeal took about an hour of my life and they will mail the new license to me. She said I could shred my old one or keep it as a souvenir. A souvenir of what? My lost youth????

Since I’d already lost my Kelly Day mojo, I then went to Costco…figured if my soul had already been sucked out by the DMV, Costco couldn’t hurt me…right?! lol  Have decided that it’s Masochist Monday…’cause apparently I like pain! Just another Masochist Monday…wish it were Sunday, ’cause that’s my Fun Day …*singing*

Charlie Sheen Checks In to Rehab

And, in today’s SHOCKING (not) news, Charlie Sheen’s in rehab.  So, which vice is he rehabbing? Alcohol, cocaine, whores? All of the above?  Can you go to rehab for an “all of the above” situation or does that just mean you’re doomed to fail? Like, how can one give up ALL the vices???  Maybe he can ditch the booze and coke but keep the hoes? (seriously, how do you spell more-than-one-ho??)

Charlie Sheen Checks In to Rehab.

Kill.Me.Now.

This week has NOT been Fun! (the exception to the Fail Week was din din with my Tinas on Tuesday night – although I may need to be strapped to the treadmill for the next month to work it off!)

9 has a cold. A nasty one. Hacking cough, fever, and a disgusting drippy nose. The child, bless his uncoordinated heart, cannot blow his nose. So, clearing his little sinuses is a challenge. A challenge made for his Mama. I have been covered in snot all week. No amount of hand sanitizer or bleach or hot water will save me from the BITCH of a cold I’ll be getting in 4 days or so. FML. He’s been out of school all week.

And then the snow. *huge sigh* 12 had early release on weds. (NOON! aahh!) and then off today and off tomorrow!!! Seriously, kill me.

When is winter over????

Heeelllllllppppp Mmmmmeeeeeeee!

Charlie Sheen? WTF are you thinking?

 

 

They say he isn’t dead…yet…rushed to the hospital after a 2 day alcohol and drug and whore binge.  Had a briefcase stuffed with BRICKS of cocaine delivered to him. W.T.F.??

This is sad stuff. He has kids!! And everything people are supposed to want, kwim?! All the money and talent and fame (ugh) in the world and what?? Not happy I guess?? *sighs*

X17 Online – Celebrity News | Celebrity Gossip | Celebrity Photos & Pics | Paparazzi Photos of Hollywood Celebs.

Because Who Doesn’t Want To Smell Like Blood & Semen?

 

Why so pretty, GaGa?

 

This cannot be true. Can.Not.Be.True.

Lady GaGa lives her life like she’s stuck in the worst episode of Work of Art, so it’s no surprise that she’s asked the makers of her bottled odor to give her something that smells like blood and semen. This is whatFashionista is hearing anyway. They say that CaCa is working on her first fragrance and she really wants you to smell like you’ve just had period sex.

OMFG. For the love of God, WHY? Why would anyone even THINK something this horrifying??  Makes me like the idea of smelling like Brit Brit or Jessica Simpson…’cause anything, LITERALLY, anything would smell better than that-which-I-shall-try-to-erase-from-my-brain-now. *vomits*

What is wrong with her??????? Gah Gah! *gags*

Because Who Doesn’t Want To Smell Like Blood & Semen?.

A Girl’s Gotta Have Goals

Growing older is filled with little insults…the graying hair, the wrinkles, the stubborn fat in odd places, metabolism crawling at a snail’s pace, etc. etc….*sighs*  As you’ve probably gathered by now, I am not going down without a fight!  Battling all those things daily…

Anyway, in addition to the above horrors, I recently noticed ONE MORE THING. *growls*  My flexibility!!  Those who’ve know me for years know that I’ve always been bendy…and maybe a little bit smug about it? Maybe just a little? *smiles sadly*  Well, about a month ago, I noticed it.  I was in 9’s room, sitting on the floor, pretending to listening to his endless prayers (gee, thanks OCD!)…did a few sit-ups and then thought ‘hey, I’ll do a split‘ (I know, I know…I’m a strange one)…and I couldn’t do it. I was at least 5 inches above the floor!  I couldn’t believe it!!  I’ve always been able to do a split!  I even remember doing one when I was pregnant with 9! (not  a pretty image, is it? Sorry! lol)

I had visions of being a creaky inflexible old lady …and that, along with ALL the other crap, was too much to bear!  Decided to stretch…daily…I think it’s supposed to be part of the everyday workout but, like most people, I usually skip it.  I was shocked at how much flexibility I’d lost over the years. I used to be able to do the stretch where your legs are out in a V and I could lay my body completely flat on the ground.  Yes, I was smug, I see that now. *sighs*

Anyway, I am happy to report (perhaps smugly) that today, I did a split!  Woot! *throws confetti* Finished up my workout with my new stretching routine and thought “what the hell?” and tried it — the old men in the mats area looked on in horror! lol So, SUCCESS!  I held the split for at least .0000005 seconds! 😉

This Old Lady is my idol now :

Jennifer Love Hewitt Has 3 Engagement Rings Picked Out Just in Case – Healthy Lifestyle – UsMagazine.com

 

 

*smacks JLove upside the head*  Girl, what is wrong with you??!!! It’s one thing to have 3 rings picked out (but, who does that??) but to go on Ellen and say it Out Loud?? That sound you hear is every man on the planet running away from you!

Yeesh…and I thought having Tiffany catalogs mailed to the Frug was a desperate move…*grins*

Jennifer Love Hewitt Has 3 Engagement Rings Picked Out Just in Case – Healthy Lifestyle – UsMagazine.com.

Personal Microderm Microdermabrasion System | DERMAdoctor

 

 

Superficialistas!!!  What do we think of THIS??? Home microdermabrasion!!!

Benefits:

  • Enhance skin texture and eliminate dullness by gently resurfacing
  • Reduce fine lines found on the forehead and around the mouth
  • Smoothes hyperpigmentation caused by sun damage, aging and melasma
  • Allows for better absorption of serums, lotions and creams
  • Exfoliates and cleans pores, making them appear smaller over time
  • Helps smooth and reduce scars caused by acne or burns

It’s $179…free shipping tho 😉 Do we think it could work?? It seems like something I would overuse and injure myself with…

Thoughts?

OH wait!  DERMAdoctor is having a 20% off sale too (code is LUV20)…very frugal…hmm…

Personal Microderm Microdermabrasion System | DERMAdoctor.