Archive | December 2010

Etiquette Advice Needed

Setting: Ladies’ Locker room, Gold’s Gym, Virginia

Mood: Horrified

Am freezing after being out w/my darling doggie. As I sometimes do, I decided to warm up in the sauna for a couple of minutes prior to my grueling workout. *winks* There’s one other woman in there…she’s in her workout clothes, just like I am.

I go to the 2nd level of seating and sort of curl up into myself, just relaxing, kwim? The other woman is just sitting, zoning out. We’re minding our own business. Doing what one does in the sauna, right?

In walks a woman. Older, possibly early ’70s. Indian or from that corner of the world. (not trying to be racist, just setting the scene). She is butt ass naked. Stark fucking naked. I quickly avert my eyes. I note that the other women now has her eyes focused on the ceiling. Naked grandma sits her bare ass down on the seat just below me. She has a tiny bowl of some sort of oil – I’m thinking “JFC, what is she going to use that for?”and *gulps* “where?” *tiny shriek*  Then she lays down. Did I mention that she is NAKED? In one part of my mind I register that she’s had at least one csection.  Another part notes her lack of grooming.  Amazing how one can notice things while attempting to not notice anything, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, I am TRAPPED. She’s on the bench below me…all nude and icky. How do I get out??? I can’t just jump over her. And I sure as hell am not going to tap her and say “excuse me”, kwim??  Other chick escapes quickly. Damn her. Damn her to hell.

Naked woman sits up and I see my chance to escape and take it!  I leap past her and race out of there!  *shudders*

So, tell me. Is it okay to be freaking NAKED in a gym sauna like that? If it’s okay (which it so ISN’T), is it sanitary to have your naked ASS on the seat like that? How many times have I been in there not realizing that some gross person has had her sweaty ass on the seat right beforehand??? *screams* Thankfully, I know that *I* have never been naked in there and if I sat on a tainted seat, it was through yoga pants. But still!!!  Naked butt spores!  aaahhh!

So, am I crazy to be totally squicked out???

Top Snipes of Christmas

Christmas is a tension-filled time for some. For others, Christmas is filled with joy and wonder at the birth of Jesus. Hmm, where does my life fall? Or fail as it were…

I’ve been reliving the last month or so in my head…here are some  comments that stand out to me:

So, are you walking the dog today? The Frug to me, implying that I am slacking on dog walking duties. Cue *eye roll* and *glare*

So, can you maybe wear something with sleeves? The Frug to me, hinting broadly that perhaps my upper arms need to be covered up. *muttering expletives*

Whoa ho! Nice ass, Aunt Kel! Ashlee to me upon seeing my butt in jeans.  Please note that this was NOT a compliment.

OMG, you are officially middle aged! Nephew to me, commenting on my perhaps not-cool Bjorn clogs.

I’m going to refer to you as “The Drop Out.” Me to nephew after hearing his plans to “transfer” from his current college to another…at a future date TBD.

I am not going to let your damn dogs to keep shitting all over my house! Brother (father) to Ashlee regarding her sweet chihuahuas who didn’t want to go do their dirty biz outside during the snowstorm!

I think I’m going to gauge your mood based on the size of that zit on the side of your nose. It is angry today. Me to 12. 🙂

This bed is a complete fail. 9 after spending the night on the floor in a sleeping bag.

So, what do you have going on today? Anything??? The Frug to me, daily throughout the Christmas season…implying sloth.  It made me feel stabby each time he said it.

Is he ready to go back yet? MIL indicating she was ready for our visit to be over!

So, it’s 10am, guess you’re not going to the gym today? The Frug to me, after he finished his own workout.

So, when are you going to the gym? About 20 minutes after the first time he asked.

Gonna hit the gym today? No, but I may hit someone today.

Small sampling of snark. Jealous of my joyousness? *giggles*


Sweet Remembrance or Effing Morbid?

Got a text from the uber-sweet, beautiful and talented Ashlee on Christmas Eve…”just got an ornament with a photo of my dead mother on it” I’m like “W.T.F.???”…and then she texts back saying “and you’re getting one too” OMFG. Really?

Is this something normal people do? Is this a “thing” now? ‘Cause I have NEVER heard of it. And, I sincerely wish I never had!

Spent the rest of the night trying to envision the Ornaments of Death…I saw round white ornaments with faded photos of deceased loved ones. So festive, so very merry.

Then, I pictured these fun little Balls of Death on a Charlie Brown-esque tree…a sad, dying tree with a few scraggly branches…with all the Dead Relative Balls hanging, making the branches droop even further.

The Tree of Death —  On the next Martha Stewart! How to depress the bejesus out of your holiday guests!

It takes the concept of MFC to a whole new level, doncha think??

Quick Note

Want to share my joy that KPR had her little Christmas Miracle Baby!! She got preggo after our Girls’ Weekend last spring. I like to think that the red wine and girly bonding (and watching New Moon) made her womb extra fluffy and cozy for him!! Yes, HIM! Selfishly pleased that it’s a boy…would have been hard for a nice Pennsylvania Yankee like KPR to raise a Southern Belle *winks*

Congrats and love to you, Mama!! Xoxoxoxo

This was me on Christmas Morning…

The Frug got me an IPad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams* *shrieks* *twirls*

This is my first “tech” present ever and I am STOKED!

Hope Santa was great to all my Superficial Sisters.

Btw, I do have 2 children and 1 dog “Free to a Good Home”…this morning, we had an episode of Animal Planet “When Pets Lose Their Damn Minds” and a Lifetime special on “Preteens are Evil”…*dramatic sigh* Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I am making it out to be…I am a little grumpy…I found 9 under the tree, admiring his gifts, at 4:40am! Mama does NOT like to be disturbed during her beauty sleep! *giggles*

Merry Merry! Fa La La La La Kill Kill Kill!

“Sex Holiday”?

Went out w/ Bob and Fawn the other night! Dinner, cocktails (ouch!), and checking out the National Christmas Tree (it was really beautiful but freeeeeezing!)…good times, good times.

Last year, I remember blogging about Bob giving Fawn porn for Christmas and just how wrong that was. I may have changed my mind though!  What’s wrong with a little porn for the holidays? lol  We ended up talking about which holidays would, in fact, be porn-appropriate if Christmas is not. Which holidays are Sex Holidays??

The Frug and I agreed that Thanksgiving is NOT a Sex Holiday. At all. Too much food and sloth. Christmas? Well, I think if you’re single or married, no kids, Christmas could be very romantic…lovin’ under the tree, etc. For us, knee deep in kids, dog and cat battles, cookie baking, decorating, misc. mandatory events and utter exhaustion…not sexy.

4th of July? Sure, porn and fireworks go together, baby! Labor Day? Maybe…Halloween? Bring it on! Sexay costumes FTW! lol Valentine’s Day is a no brainer. It’s put-up-or-shut-up-time. If you can’t get laid on Valentine’s Day (providing you are MARRIED, naturally! *snorts*), there’s something wrong with you! Easter? No. Not porn appropriate.

Thoughts?

Shellac Attack!

I got a SHELLAC manicure yesterday!!  Have you heard of it?  Fawn showed me hers a little while ago and I’ve been itching to try it. Basically, it’s like a gel manicure without the whole ‘fake nails’ process. They use this special gel stuff that does NOT damage your nails (no filing at all) and each coat sort of bakes under a UV light for 2 minutes. So, when it’s done, it’s DONE…as in, no risk of smudging it the moment you walk out the door, kwim?? Check out the site for deets

Apparently, it lasts for up to 3 weeks without chipping!!! I chose the Fedora color which reminds me of my fave Lincoln Park After Dark…it’s a little pricey but if it lasts that long, it’s worth it, right????

I’ll report back after a week and let you know how it’s lasting. So far, it’s glossy perfection! *purrs happily*

Skeggings?

Have you SEEN these? Skeggings. They are leggings with a little skater type skirt attached…as worn here by the anorexic Tori Spelling.

Kind of adorable on her. She’s wearing leggings but the skater skirt thingy covers her hoohah and makes it more socially acceptable. Right?

I have a love/hate thing with leggings, as you know. I want to wear them AND look good in them. Why is that so hard?! *whines*

I think part of the issue with leggings and the ‘which top do I wear?‘ angst is the Butt. If you have any sort of butt (not even a Bubble, just a normal, average butt), the top sort of poofs out over it. Making it look shorter in the back. Case in point — I had one my one pair of leggings the other day with a cute cowl neck tunic I got at Target…I thought I looked semi-cute…youthful, cute-but-casual, kwim?  Then I looked in a full length mirror and saw this:

Yes, the f*cking dancing hippos from Fantasia. Tutu trying to cover the butt and failing. FAILING.

I think that, as interesting as the skeggings are, I should leave that look for the Tori Spelling’s of the world. Right?? ‘Cause “Dancing Hippo” is so not the look I’m ever striving for. *sighs*

The Bitter Sting of Rejection

REJECTED! FAIL!! *cries*  I submitted 2 potential entries to the Urban Dictionary and got the ol’ hellz no from them!

Fine. Jerks. Perhaps these shall stay in the Kelysuperficial Double Secret Lexicon?! *hair flip*

MFC Gift

It’s a Merry F*cking Christmas gift. It’s a gift that seems nice but has a mean little sting to it. Like getting someone tooth whitening for Christmas. It says “MFC, Yellow Fangs

Getting a fat person a gym membership. “Here’s your MFC gift, Fatty!”

Giving a zitty teen a Xeno Zit Zapper. MFC Gift!!

Giving a diabetic a box of chocolates! MFC!

and

h00rhab

It’s kind of like rehab, but for h00rs. Some of the celebrity skanks go to rehab, when they really need h00rhab.

I cannot believe Miley Cyrus hasn’t gone to h00rhab yet!

All I want for Christmas…

Ever wonder what other people really want for Christmas? Sometimes I think people actually have a Christmas Death Wish…

It seems that people at Target had that wish the other night…as in, “all I want for Christmas is to DIE in the Target parking lot”…it took me 10 minutes – TEN – to get out of my parking spot the other night. I was about 1/4 of the way out…and the other cars start whipping around me…the shoppers were walking so closely behind my car that they could touch it (so, if they are that close, don’t they notice the sound of the engine and see the reverse lights???)…people were naturally wearing all black, with black hoodies…I think that all dark clothing should have some sort of reflective material for safety sake. Countless times I’ve nearly rundown a @)(&$ pedestrian wearing all black at night…oh, with earbuds in or talking on their cell phone or texting. PAY ATTENTION to your surroundings if you want to live, damn you!

I think want a loudspeaker that will play a prerecorded message – “what the F*CK are you doing?!!!” to other drivers, pedestrians, my kids…it works in a variety of scenarios. Or maybe just a loud air horn that will wake people up, kwim?

Anyway, Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night! (and don’t wear all black and walk behind my car or I will run you over)