Archive | October 2009

The Frug’s Halloween Costume

Millions of people have asked me, ‘What is the Frug wearing for Halloween?’  It’s even a trending topic on Twitter, for goodness sake!  LOL  This was a tough item to pick out. He refused to be ‘coupley’ with me and be a vampire, damn him. But, that’s cool b/c it would be worlds colliding for me – fantasy and reality need to be kept separate!

The last costume he wore was a ‘hippie’…the children thought he was dressed as a dog in a tie dye shirt.  The glue-on sideburns looked a bit like dog ears I guess!  😉

Went to the costume store (the good one w/lots of nicer adult costumes, not just plastic crap in bags, kwim?) and checked it out. Here were some of the better options:

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Bavarian Guy! Beer themed, good, right?

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Bruno! We heart Sasha Baron Cohen!

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Beer. Straight forward. No b/s.

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Reno 911 so he and Peter (cop) could coordinate

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the guy on the right is Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords

All of the choices were funny. I could definitely see the Frug in any of them. The ony problem??  None of those guys would be getting laid after the party! 😉  (apologies to our families who are now rinsing their mouths out, post vomit)

Final decision?  Still not a ‘hot’ costume but fits his interests AND is easy to put together AND was cheap (yes, Halloween costumes can be frugal!)…

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Brad, the Beer Brewing Monk

He will accessorize w/Belgian beer coasters (instead of the cross I think) and since he always has a beer in his hand (according to Aunt “Sage”), he should be able to pull this off quite nicely.

Click to enjoy ‘Business Socks’ by the Flight of the Conchords…you won’t regret it!

Shopped at Whores R Us

Still trying to finish up my Vampire costume.  Well, I suppose it’s more of a Vampwhore or a Vampinatrix.  I want to look semi-hot b/c we all know vampires are hot, right?  But, am going to be in a ‘mixed’ crowd and don’t know just hot slutty I can look without permanently scarring people’s eyeballs.

So, ended up at the dueling SlutWearEmporiums…Bebe and Guess. The clothing in both places was similar.

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oh yeah! Sheer mesh w/black bra showing!

Lots of sheer mesh fabrics, lots of sequins and jewels, ruching,  lots of bedazzled logos. Seriously, I would pick something up thinking ‘oh, this could work for a COSTUME’ and then turn it around and see BEBE screaming at me in sequins. I used to love Bebe in the early 90s. They had really cute cocktail/party dresses…sigh.  Not anymore.  I think I still have a LBD from 1993.  I am sure it still fits too! 😉  I left those stores feeling like I needed a shower!  I felt like a Pimp, shopping for my Ho!

 

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gold lame leggings, an excellent look, no?

I suppose I could go back there and find my costume if I switched from “Vampire” to “Filthy Pirate Hooker from Whore Island.”  Hmmm.  Well, maybe next year.

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Yes, I googled Filthy Pirate Hookers! LOL

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on October 29, 2009, in 1. 2 Comments

So, why do I want to go to an SNL taping?

 

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Damn SNL and it's ticket f*ckery

I know, I know, I am NOT going. F*ck me.  However, here’s the little scenario that was going thru my head prior to my hopes being dashed by some ho who won’t do her job for me 😉

It’s SNLRobert Pattinson makes a surprise appearance.  They can’t have him host b/c of the media frenzy his hotness would cause.  They have him in the Cougar Den.  In full Edward Cullen mode.  MMMMMM.

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I love you, Edward

Anyway, it’s the Cougar Den. Funny skit they do with a bunch of NY (Brooklyn? some suburb with an annoying accent) cougwhores talking and being whores, etc.  This time, they allow audience participation.  I get to go on stage, with Edward (le sigh), and get to say and DO very inappropriate things.

Why can’t this actually happen??  And don’t try to talk to me about ‘the REAL World’ and ‘fantasy versus reality’, damnit.

Snuggie?  Zin?  Where are you??

(trying to embed a video and am failing miserably. Click here to go to hulu to see Alec Baldwin in the Cougar Den)

McDonald’s Monopoly Mania

So, my dilemma…when is it okay to dash a young boy’s hopes? When can I crush his little dreams? When can I tell him about the EVILS of Corporate America??

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Monopoly is fun, right?!

Garrett is INTO Mickey D’s Monopoly. Collecting the little game pieces, entering them online, strategizing w/his friends…can’t believe just how cool this game is! He only needs Park Place to win $1 million!  How hard could that be??  Only needs to buy an Angus Burger and he could win an Xbox 360!  Life is sweet, no?

Can I tell him, ‘Son, you will NEVER win’??  Can I say ‘NO ONE wins’??  Can I tell him it’s just another marketing ploy?  That the evil clown Ronald McDonald is just trying to sell more stuff??  (and his mother, sad consumer that she is, is BUYING his crap lol)

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He is EVIL! Evil I tell you!

He’s 11.  Is it time to be a man??

Thoughts?  I guess I am going to buy a Diet Coke (or 10) anyway, right? Should I let him play and be disillusioned?

So, there is no Santa?  (just kidding!  Of course there is a Santa) AND Ronnie McD is a sleazy corporate shill? Say it isn’t so!

Thoughts???

Today’s Post is Rated-MA D L S V

Mature (18+), Suggestive Dialogue, Offensive/Coarse Language, Sexual Content/References, Moderate Violence (implied or intended at least!)

Actually, this is what Kelly’s Superficial is rated overall…today is just very consistent w/my (ahem) ‘standards’!

It's a F*ck Me Day!

It's a F*ck Me Day!

So, it’s a F*ck Me Day. Sing ‘It’s a Hard Knock Life’ from Annie and substitute the words ‘f*ck me day’…sing it! “It’s a F*ck Me Day” No other words…just that.  Why?

Woke up to the darkness and rain. F*ck me. Kids woke up late and crabby. B*tching about their breakfasts.  Make your own damn breakfast, jerks! lol  The Frug wakes up chipper every day.  Amazing. We are such opposites!  He dared to ask ‘soooo, what are you doing today?’ with the implication that perhaps I am doing NOTHING as usualAh, the Frug's Dream Wife!I bit back the reply I wanted to give which was ‘oh, sitting around eating bon bons while surfing the internet for naked Rob Pattinson pictures…then I may take a nap’…however, in the spirit of civility (or was it just fatigue?), I simply said ‘lots of stuff to do today, asshole‘ 😉 Dropped the devils off at school (they are safer there, trust me) and went to Target (which should transform it into a JOY day) to drop off the TWO prescriptions for Peter’s ‘folliculitis’ aka crotch rot and the @(&$@ pharmacy doesn’t open until 9am. Again, F*CK ME.

Next up for me? Doing a craft-y project for the kids’ school that I had been putting off for weeks now. And, naturally, it had to be done by TODAY.  WHYWHYWHY do I do this to myself?  I just can’t make myself ‘work ahead’ when I have the time…I have to wait and wait and then jam it out.  Grumble. Anyway, I allotted 1 hour…it took FOUR. F*ck me. Involved lots of fine motor skills…cutting, pasting, editing text, printing, visual layout, etc. Ugh.  Used ‘dry mount’ for the first time. BtFw, it is NOT dry! It is sticky and may just stay on my hands until I die. Tried regular soap/water…used ‘Goo Gone’, etc.The GOO is not GONE-Thanks for Nothing! grr Nothing worked. Now I have lemon scented hands w/clumps of dried glue…and, naturally, dog hair. The Goo is NOT gone.  Thanks for nothing, Goo Gone. F*ck me.  Went to eat lunch…couldn’t even pick up my sandwich without grossing myself out.  Guess that’s one way to diet? LOL and heavy sigh.

Final (perhaps) complaint. (ha! who am I trying to kid? This is NOT my final complaint by a long shot! lol) So, I’m going to NYC in November (NO $&)@$& kids or Frug! woot!)…thought it might be fun to go see SNL…ever heard the expression ‘who do I have to f*ck to get (whatever)?’  Well, apparently you actually have to f*ck someone to get SNL tickets!!!  Now, since I have that whole marriage/monogamy/fidelity thing going on, I am *out* of the equation.  However, a friend of a friend has been known to bang a cast member or 2. So, it’s all good, right?!  NO!  Beyotch is all ‘I don’t feel comfortable asking him for tickets’. Annoyed. Doesn’t she That's right, Ron Burgundy. *I* am Kind of a Big Deal too! LOLknow ‘I’m kind of a Big Deal’ and she should take one for the Kelly’s Superficial team?? Apparently not. Hmph.  More on this SNL biznaz later.

Time for some wine and my Snuggie.

6 Signs You’re Addicted to Rob Pattinson

So, you may have noticed that I have a teeny, tiny, minor *thing* for Robert Pattinson. I want to go on record to say that this is my very FIRST over-the-top celeb addiction. Seriously. I used to dig Brad Pitt but I was never obsessed with him (so glad now since he has turned out to be a gray bearded cheater, kwim?!)…Anyway, I saw this 6 Signs You’re Addicted to Rob and maybe, just maybe saw myself 😉

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

mmmmmmmmm

New Moon Soundtrack

EDWARD! Don't leave!!!

EDWARD! Don't leave!!!

Yes, of course, I bought this. Not on iTunes either.  Bought the real deal b/c it has a nice poster inside the jewel case!  Not that I will be hanging said poster up on a wall, God forbid. (Frug forbid, actually!)…I just wanted it, kwim?!  I am not a music person, per se. But, this whole Twilight obsession has made me break out of my musically illiterate shell! Maybe old dogs can learn new tricks?  (wait, am I the old dog in this scenario? yup! LOL)

So, the soundtrack. So good. So perfect for this film. It’s a heartbreakingly angsty cry-your-eyes out soundtrack.  Don’t know about you, but sometimes I need to cry.  And, knock on wood, my life is pretty sweet these days so I have to have outlets like books and music to make me cry!  (Fate, shhhh, I am NOT tempting you!)

The Playlist:

1. Death Cab for Cutie – Meet Me on the Equinox
2. Band of Skulls – Friends
3. Thom Yorke – Hearing Damage
4. Lykke Li – Possibility
5. The Killers – A White Demon Love Song
6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
7. Muse – I Belong to You (New Moon Remix)
8. Bon Iver and St. Vincent – Rosyln
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong
10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
12. OK Go – Shooting The Moon
13. Grizzly Bear – Slow Life
14. Editors – No Sound But the Wind
15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

Love the Death Cab for Cutie song, Meet Me on the Equinox. The refrain ‘everything, everything ends’ is just right for New Moon…Lykke Li’s Possibility is so simple, mournful, beautiful. The Frug said it was putting him to sleep but it made me cry!  Anya Marina’s Satellite Heart was also a teary one for me ‘I’m a satellite heart, lost in the dark…’  sigh, sniff.  Shooting the Moon by OK Go made me think of the Beatles, sort of. (but WTH do I know?! lol) Simple beat…also says ‘sorry I let you down, sorry it wasn’t quite true’…perfect for the Edward lying and leaving horror…

Anyway, in case you haven’t checked your New Moon Countdown ticker recently, it’s 25 days away!!  See you all in line for the midnight show?

Time to Break-Up w/Costco?

Seriously thinking I must quit Costco.  Have been thinking about it for quite some time.  I do love the joy of wandering thru the warehouse, discovering what new product I need a CASE of. I love the fun food samples! I love feeling like a got a ‘deal’ 😉  What I don’t love?? FIrst of all, the aggravation that begins in the parking lot.  No matter when you go, you are screwed. The lot is full — full of a$$holes and idiots.  The jockeying for a parking spot and wrestling w/the damn shopping carts instantly puts me in a bad mood. Then, having to show my card at the door annoys me as well.  I get that it’s a “members only” place but I have just broken a sweat parking and getting my cart…now I have to stop at the door and find my @&$) card. Grumble.

The place is always packed, as I said.  That is irritating especially b/c I am able to go at 10am on a Tuesday…just like every other stay-at-home mom with snotty nosed crying toddlers, senior citizen, and family of rambunctious home-schooled hooligans! 😉 And why doesn’t anyone know how to ‘drive’ the jumbo shopping carts?  Why do they park them in the middle of an aisle to stare at the shelves endlessly?  Why is everyone using their bluetooth headsets, having conversations that I truly to NOT want to hear? Why do I feel in danger of getting an ankle injury from some a$$hat who doesn’t comprehend a) personal space and b) just how long that cart is?  BAM! OUCH! Hello, bloody leg!

If you manage to get thru the warehouse with your 100 pack of tampons and 20 lb. box of large Milk Bones, etc. your reward is being faced with running the ‘Which Lane is the Shortest?’ gauntlet. You must choose wisely or pay with your sanity. On Friday, I truly almost lost my (@$&) mind.  I chose the lane w/the fewest people and carts…there was even a person ahead of me who was just holding 1 item!  Wahoo!  Lucky day at Costco, right?  Hell no. Listen to this egregious offense…hands still shaking as I type!  aahh  Waited 10 minutes, standard stuff…the person in front of me steps up to the conveyor belt and…she waves her friends with the overflowing cart over!!!!!!!  SHOCKING. Utterly shocking. There were gasps of horror and disgust behind me. I simply stood there, staring. W.T.F. just happened?  The one friend of hers had the grace to lower her head with shame…but the b&tch still unloaded her cart, kwim?!  The original person was muttering stuff about ‘who cares what they think’ etc.  The folks behind me were trying to make it a Race Thing by whispering barely veiled racial slurs…btw, it was NOT a Race Thing…it was a COMMON DECENCY thing, kwim??!  As I have said before, I try to keep a facade of politeness in public. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even roll my eyes…or make someone’s head explode w/my blue laser eyes…or bash someone’s ankles with my cart. But I really really wanted to.

I know it’s not Costco’s fault. But, for my sanity, and to keep the AmEx bill down(!)…maybe I should just say buh-bye…thoughts???

Okay, who is on my ‘list’ this week?

And, I do NOT mean the infamous ‘freebie 5’ list!  It just seems like there are people who exist just to f*ck with me.  As I said in my teaser post, it seems like Old People and my Children are the top offenders!  Now, don’t misunderstand…I love Old People.  I need more Oldies in my life!  But, as a group, they bug the shizz out of me.  My Children?  Well, I do love them.  But, they have pushed my buttons this week…the Frug hid in the kitchen with the dog this morning…it was that bad…sigh…

This week, I had an old lady walk around me in the line at Borders and go directly to the cashier.  Am I INVISIBLE?  Surely the old bat saw me, right?!  Does being old give her some sort of ‘right’ to go first?  If she had asked to go ahead or made eye contact (must be impossible since I am invisible), I would have been gracious about it. Like I said, I love old people!  I dislike RUDE people.  I also enjoyed this old lady who invaded my space in line at Harris Teeter the other day.  I was putting my groceries on the conveyer belt and she came up behind me…and LITERALLY touched my A$$ with her old lady body.  Did she not see me?  Or even sense me??  HELLO?  Not an apology or even a quick backing up motion.  She )(@$&@) stayed there.  Now, when I am out and about, I try to maintain a facade of politeness so I didn’t scream “WTF???” at her.  I just scooted up a bit.  Maybe that was her old lady Master Plan?  To skeeve me out by touching me and forcing me to move for her?  Not sure.  Maybe I *am* invisible?

The kids?  Ugh. I had this vision of my beautiful well-mannered children.  My kids would never have snotty noses or throw tantrums in public, etc.  And God laughs, kwim? Anyway, since my brothers were much older than I, I don’t have a good sense of what ‘normal’ sibling relationships are.  I imagine they are something in between 70s sitcoms and today’s reality shows 😉  I am just blown away by the fighting, the mocking, the incessant squabbling over NOTHING. They come to blows in the car over NOTHING. (and Peter throws the first punch…Irish temper!!)  While getting ready for school this morning, I had to listen to: OMG, you are DISGUSTING!  GET AWAY FROM ME!   SHUT UP!  No, YOU SHUT UP! MOOOOOOMMMM, he told me to SHUT UP! (then STFU, damnit! haha)  You are so STUPID!  YOU are so STUPID.  STOP COPYING ME!  STOP COPYING ME! You should be in Special Ed!

Wait. WTH did someone just say??  Special Ed?  Is that the new slur??  I bolt up the stairs to collar Garrett and find out that it was PETER who said it.  The kids know not to dare utter the R word. So, is ‘Special Ed’ somehow okay??  Does Peter realize that, hey, guess what?  You have been in Special Ed.?!?!?!   He tried to back out of it by saying ‘well, I didn’t know what it meant’ but he knew enough to use it to try to verbally hurt his brother??  UGH. This is the sh*t that I am NOT prepared for.  I seriously just wanted to get my snuggie and some ice cream (or maybe wine?) and make them all just Go Away!

Sigh.

Cullenize Yourself!

This is FUN!  I think I have posted the link to InStyle Makeovers before. I still spend time on this site trying new hairstyles, fancy colored contacts, whitening my teeth, etc.  In honor of Twilight(!), they now have a section where you can Cullenize yourself!  LOL and yet not kidding!  It whitens the skin, gives you golden eyes (or red, like Jane), whatever!  You can even give your guy a “dog” makeover and have him be Jacob!

Check it out! If the link doesn’t work, just click on “Twilight Saga Movie Saga Looks”…I tried Bella, Rosalie, Alice, etc but Esme was the only one which didn’t make me look too scary.  Here’s some inspiration for you:

It's KelEsme Cullen

It's KelEsme Cullen

And now,

It's Frugward Cullen!

It's Frugward Cullen!

The Frug also made a good Alice 😉