Namaste, Bitches.

Welp, I’m alive. I’ve been wrung out, drained of all water in my body. I literally drank 33.3 ounces of water during and I still haven’t peed!! (that was 4 hours ago — and no, I don’t believe in TMI)

For the uninitiated, Bikram yoga involves doing a series of 26 poses in a room heated to 105 degrees. It didn’t seem oppressively hot to me today but I suppose that b/c it’s summer. Walking into that room when it’s 30 degrees out?? Must be almost painful. So, here are the 26 postures (please note, #14 is “wind removing pose”):

So, the smell. I went into the room to “acclimate” before class started. I nearly turned around and left immediately. Wet dog. Sort of moldy. And the air was thick. I decided to stay (b/c frugal) and suck it up. Naturally, I was surrounded by the soon-to-be-sweaty men that I feared. The one to my right was a tall black god-like creature with sculpted muscles. Man to the left was a small, furry, woodland creature. I found him staring at me several times. LOOK AWAY.

Oh, btw, it’s a naked sort of activity. The men were in tight lycra looking shorts and no shirts. *shrieks* Women were wearing sports bras and tiny shorts. I wore a sports bra and running shorts, sans undies. There was a little net thingy for breathability. Ahem. The women’s outfits didn’t bother me. Maybe I’m a prude (HA!) but I don’t want to see looking at naked men’s furry chests. Then again, as I said, that dude to my right…

So, it begins and I’m instantly annoyed. Blahblahblahvashana pose and humming nonsense. Jaysus. And lots of exhaling. We’re trapped in this room and we’re consciously filling it with CO2. It’s a wonder we didn’t end up passing out due to lack of oxygen by the end of the 90 minutes. Yes, 90. This is one of the major reasons why I’m not doing this again. 90-freaking-minutes. A 60 minute class is bad enough. 90? Plus, the acclimating thing and peeing 3 times beforehand. Ugh. Too long. Literally dripping sweat from my entire body. My shins? Sweaty. Forearms too. Who knew forearms had sweat glands?? The poses themselves don’t look that hard, right?? My main difficulty was trying to hold onto my body parts with sweat-slicked hands. I had a tee shirt that I was using to try to mop up my sweat but it was futile. And the towel covering my yoga mat was drenched too. UGH. By the end, I was basically not even trying to do the poses — I was flailing my body around and sighing loudly, pretending it was the pretentious breathing nonsense.

Which brings me to another point. Yoga types act all free spirited and zen but they are snooty, competitive bitches. Killing themselves by contorting into some seriously effed up positions to a) impress the instructor and b) be braggy bitches. Overhead in the locker room: “Oh, you looked like you had such a good practice today” “Oh, thanks. I’ve been practicing for so long“…um, why do they call it a practice? JFC. Just DO it. Does that sound snotty to anyone else? Maybe my severe dehydration has made me extra bitchy? The poses and breathing all have sanskrit names — can you say pretentious in sanskrit? Ends in ends in -vashana I’m sure. *rolls eyes*

On a positive note, I didn’t shit my pants or anything. Nor did my fellow um, practicers. It smelled like sweat socks but not sweat. Thank you, Jesus. Nor did I smell any asparagus or taco meat…or whiskey… I am slightly surprised that my sweat wasn’t effervescent due to the amount of DC and sparkling wine I’ve been guzzling this summer. That might be refreshing, no? Sweat that fizzed a bit? Sort of a cooling sensation.

Yes, I am dehydrated. Spouting nonsensical stuff. At least I can tell the Frug I’m saving him the $250 I was planning on spending on the hot yoga groupon — it seemed like such a good deal! lol  #everFrugal

Prayers Needed

In an effort to break through a weight loss plateau, I’m about to head into a Bikram yoga class. 90 minutes in a room heated to about 105 degrees.

What if I die? What if I pass out? What if everyone smells??? I’ve done this one other time, a few years ago. The sights and smells have been difficult to erase from my memory. Think “sweat dripping from man balls”… No — really. People strip down to 70s length running shorts and revel in their sweatiness.

I’ve prepaid so canceling would NOT be frugal. Sigh.

This may be my last post.

Please enjoy this while I suffer:

 

Slacking Slacker

Who’s the crappiest blogger?? I AM! It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I actually have a long list of topics, from travel to water parks to hot soccer players.

School is OUT. I’ve been to Mexico. Suffered a bad brow wax and a home dye job. Mama is bbbiiizzzzeeeeeeee. Lol

I shall do my best to get back to writing my personal brand of superficial nonsense. Soon.

In Case You’ve Ever Wondered…

…about our Depths of Frugality…or is it the Height of Frugality??

Anyway, wanted to share this with all of you…

Had to change the blade on my razor, again…and chuckled as I did so. Why? Because THIS is the brand I’ve been forced to use for a while now:

photo copy

Why, yes. It’s the “Shai” brand razor blade by Dorco. What? Never heard of this brand??? They’re from the city of “Frugal Bastard” in the country of “Hell.” Yes, they work as well as you may imagine. *applies band aid to shredded, yet still hairy leg*  They’re amazing in that you scrape and scrape over the same spot and yet the hair still remains!  Yahoo!

The Frug was a on a tear a while ago about how much razors cost and how frequently I changed the blades. “Cow, these Venus razors are “super premium” and you use a fresh blade once a week!” Yes, yes I do.Thanks perimenopause!  So, he did his super secret frugal research and came up with Dorco brand razors. Honestly. Dorco? I think even the Dollar Store rejects this brand. *I* reject it for the name alone.

If you want to read his rationale, please go check out his post. I’ll be over here bleeding out.

 

50 Things

I’M ALLLLLLIIIIIIIVVVVEEEEE!!!

I survived going to a “Minimalism Event.” Dear God, did I even just type that?? aahh It wasgood” and “interesting“…in a horrifying way, kwim? Like going to a Scientology event or something. The Frug stood transfixed with a small smile and glazed eyes. #creepy I wore a sparkly skirt and multiple necklaces and strappy wedge heels and used 1729 make-up products, just to be a dick.

Anyway, going to that reminded me of some of the other kooks the Frug follows…

…Like this guy who writes “Exile Lifestyle“…one of his “things” is that he only owns X # of things. The last time he posted it was 55 things. He owns only 55 things. *lets that settle in*  This is down from the apparently repulsive 72 things he owned in 2009.Screen Shot 2014-05-29 at 8.34.07 PM

^^^Like, I could find more than that on the floor in my room or stuffed into the crevices of the Fail Wagon, kwim?? COME ON!

I took a quick tally of what I “owned” or used this morning (clothing, makeup, items used) and here’s where I was, as of 8am:

  1. Contact lenses
  2. Bra
  3. Undies
  4. Shorts
  5. Shirt
  6. Sweater
  7. Shoes
  8. Sunglasses
  9. Earrings
  10. Wedding band
  11. Engagement ring
  12. Purse
  13. Antiperspirant
  14. Toothbrush
  15. Toothpaste
  16. Floss
  17. Contact lens solution
  18. Contact lens case
  19. Glasses
  20. Mascara
  21. Eye Liner
  22. Lip gloss
  23. Lotion
  24. BB cream
  25. Ponytail holder (I have at least 50 of these…somewhere)
  26. iphone
  27. ipad
  28. Car (!)

I’m at 28 before 8am. Some of these can be combined like contacts/solution/case but still. I’m not upset about this list. It just is. I cannot imagine only having even 100 things. They don’t define me but many of them are NECESSARY. The thought of being limited to X number of things makes me queasy.

I have to say, this guy did inspire me to make clever collections and post pix on Tumblr. Like “My 43 Eye Shadows in Nearly Identical Shades of Brown” or “My 17 Favorite Mascaras” or “My 27 Black Tops”…

So, in that sense, I would have to say that going to see The Minimalists was truly inspiring. *cackles*

S’pose I Should Comment…

…on the Kimye wedding.

*gags*

I think the New York Post said it well:

BomyfgtIcAAfgpA

 

So, how old is she? 30 something? THREE MARRIAGES??? TTTHHHHRRRREEEEEE.

Good Lord.

I like this shot of the pair of them:

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She’s a lovely girl, really. Gorgeous skin. Beautiful hair. The ass is contained here and doesn’t appear to be trying to escape Kanye’s clutches. RUN WHILE YOU CAN!

I really like this photo too. Again, ass contained. I love the sleek, low-profile veil although it’s completely inappropriate for a 3rd time bride to be wearing it. JFC. It actually reminds me a bit of the lace mantilla thingy I wore to my First Communion.It probably cost more than my first car though. lol

So, what are the odds for these two obnoxious famewhores??? I think 5 years is way too optimistic. I’m going with 3 years. She cannot have another 3 months marriage, right?  And they have a daughter together so maybe that will help??

A special shout out to some evil geniuses who thought of this… IsKimyeDivorcedYet.com. So so so very angry that this wasn’t my idea. Le Sigh. Current stats — 3 days, 5 hours, 37 minutes, 52 seconds of wedded bliss.

Anyway, they’re honeymooning now. How long til all the pix are up for sale?????

 

 

What is Life?

Welp, the Frug and I are having a rare Tuesday night date. Romantic, right??

Nope.

He’s taking me to THIS:

The Minimalists Tour

What the WHAT?

Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus have garnered an audience of more than 2 million readers at TheMinimalists.com, where they write about living a meaningful life with less stuff. They are the bestselling authors of five books and have spoken at Harvard Business School, SXSW, World Domination Summit, and many other organizations, schools, and conferences.

He’s taking me to a seminar about living with less stuff.

Is this an exorcism?

An intervention?

#freekelly

I’m tempted to wear something outrageous like this gold AmEx dress:

Or maybe just something with the Target logo?? Or something a rich old lady would wear on a cruise…covered in rhinestones and wearing alll the jewelry.

Sigh.

Trying to keep an open mind. This is the Frug’s “thing” so I want to be respectful and nonjudgy.

But.

These people are the judgy ones. “Oh, look at us and how frugal we are!  You money spending collectors of things are terrible people!”

Smug bastards.

We maximinalists are all live and let live. “I’m just over here at Sephora and then heading the Nordie’s Half Yearly Sale! Have a nice day!”

I shall report back on this thing later, God willing.

#freeKelly