Team Clean Butt

When you think about it, there is no other team. Clean butt. Always. It goes along with my other slogan: A Clean Colon is a Happy Colon. What? You don’t have little cute slogans about your ass and the joy it brings when it’s healthy and clean??

Why am I even bringing this up? Well, there’s apparently some “backlash” against butt wipes. You know, the moist (eek) wipes for your pooper. Like baby wipes, but for adults. I don’t remember when I started using them but it was a revelation. I had no idea just how clean my butt could be!

I’m now thinking of Pedro’s preschool teacher discussing potty training: “I tell the kids, get some toilet paper, reach back. and wipe. “Does it have poop on it? Yes? Then wipe again. Is there still poop there? Keep wiping.”  She was lamenting the fact that she had a Master’s degree and yet her whole day was spent on butt wiping instruction. Important stuf tho. Right??

Anyway.

This guy is writing about how the flushable wipes are messing up the sewage systems. Do. Not. Care.

This clown says dry toilet paper is all you need. Um, nope. Do yourself a favor and read the comments section. People are HILARIOUS.

Dear readers, go to the bathroom right now. Drop trou, and wipe your ass with a sheet of toilet paper. Really get in there.

Did it come back clean? Congratulations. Butt wipes may not be for you. Not so much? I suggest you start drinking heavily, rethink your entire life, and buy some fucking butt wipes.

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Seriously! The way I see it, there are only so many solutions to swamp ass.

  • Shower every time you take a shit
  • Use an inordinate amount of toilet paper, chafing your ass in the process and praying that the toilet doesn’t clog because you’ve been in there half an hour and your guests are starting to worry
  • Develop a daily regimen of opioid substances, be it Vicodin, pethidine, or Immodium (you fucking pussy), you’ll only have to poo once a week and the diamond-hard butt nuggets will pass with no residue and only the occasional minor bleeding.
  • Install a fucking bidet. Bidets are cool now. “Hey girl, wanna come back to my place and check out my new bidet?”
  • Use a fucking butt wipe.

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Wet wipes for life!

If you had dog shit on your arm would you used a dry paper towel to get it clean? Hell no you wouldn’t. Why would you do the same thing for you asshole? Wet wipe and clean that shit.

Other commenters mentioned something called the ‘Toto Toilet” from Japan. Had to ask the google.

Hold the phone, people. What have I stumbled upon?? Whilst browsing through all the Toto fancy $4K toilets, I saw the “Travel Washlet“… Behold:

So, hmm. Looks a bit um, douchey. Not sure if I’d want to carry that thing around. Good thing the butt wipes come in little packets to tuck in your purse.

A clean butt is a happy butt.  Your butt thanks you. Your undies thank you. Your partner thanks you. The world thanks you.

#TeamCleanButt

#TeamButtWipes

That is all.

 

While the Cat’s Away…

The Frug is away. He’s been away for over a week. The house? Don’t ask, don’t tell. My grooming? Well, my plan was to be Full Yeti for the time he was gone but then we’ve had some 60 degree days so I had to rethink that. And, sadly, I have showered. lol Been doing a workout routine that includes sauna time and that, my friends, requires a shower afterward.

What am I doing with all the free time? (“Free Time” that used to be taken up with mundane things like “making dinner” and “straightening up” and answering all sorts of questions from the Frug — “COW! Where’s the ___?“)

Let’s see…

Plundering the depths of Buzzfeed! I know whic Zoolander character I should be — HANSEL! (OMG ZOOLANDER 2 is coming!) Which Lost guy is your soulmate? BOONE! (WRONG! It’s Sawyer! Duh)  Marcia or Jan? MARCIA!

All the cute animal videos. All. Of. Them.

Pinterest. Dear God, Pinterest. I have boards filled with all kinds of vapid stuff. But, I’ve also found great new recipes! Coconut Chia Seed Pudding anyone? Anyone?

I’ve used makeup samples that were long buried. And last night’s “contouring” experiment was um…

I’ve done so many facial treatments. I’ve got such a youthful glow now. *snorts*

Napping? Oh yes. Fiona and I are becoming one, all nestled in the covers.

Oh, I read about a new product that has me fearscinated. It’s called Baby Foot. It’s a peel for your FEET and it’s supposed to be AMAZING. So, if you’re not faint of heart, click here for some delightful google image results for this peel. *cackles* Go on, click. You know you want to.

So yeah, I’ve been busy.

Not everyone has been enjoying this time. Otis is a black of heap of depression. He misses his daddy. Poor Pedro has had to ask, more than once, “Um, Mom? Are we ever having dinner?” Oops, sorry kid.

We had a couple of snow days last week too. People have asked how I was holding up…and honestly, when the kids are teenagers, snow days ROCK. Everyone sleeps in. There’s no “playing outside” aka cramming little bodies into snow gear (why won’t little fingers go smoothly into gloves and mitten??”…we all read, play video games, stare at our phones til our eyes bleed. Good clean American fun.

He’ll be back on Sat. I have a few days left to erase all signs of sloth. It may take just that long…

Wish me luck!

 

 

 

 

Thank You.

Thank You. There, see? I can say it.

Actually, I say thank you all the time.

Here’s your large Diet Coke!” “THANK YOU!”

“Would you like another prosecco?” “Why yes, thank you!”

“Cow, here’s an unlimited black AmEx! Go have fun!” “THANK YOU, FRUG!”

Hey, I love your boots!’

<awkward pause>

These? OMG, they are so old! I just found them in the back of my closet.”

“You look great tonight!

<awkward pause>

OMG, you’re joking, right? Look at these wrinkles? And my hair is all wrong!

Love that sweater!”

<awkward silence>

Got it at Target on clearance and it’s covered in cat hair and I’m hideous and LOOK AWAY!”

Compliments. Can you accept one?? Why is it so difficult?

Was with a group of friends last weekend and I was stumbling over the “Love your boots” thing and she said “Just say thank you.” And I just stared at her cluelessly. Just Say Thank You.

Huh.

Part of it feels rude. Like, if you say “thank you“, the conversation is over abruptly. “Love your boots” “Thank You” and then it’s *crickets* whereas, “Love your boots” and “I bought them 10 years ago” can lead to “Really? Where did you get them?” and “What brand is that?” etc.

And a compliment on your appearance?? Eep. It feels too much like agreement. “Love your hair!” “Thank you” –>> That’s right. My hair is stellar and I am gorgeous and I think I’m fabulous!  Can’t let that kind of self-esteem out, right?? It seems arrogant to me. Maybe it’s an American thing?

Technically, yes, just say thank you. I’m working on it. Accepting compliments without bring up myriad flaws still makes me feel queasy though.

Anyone else feel like that???

Terrible News

I. Am. Old.

Turned fortyfuckingNINE yesterday. I mean, there’s no way around the fact that that’s not young. How did this happen?? I swear I was a youthful and sassy 39 not that long ago.

Even worse, no amount of diet and exercise and grooming can hide the fact that I am not young anymore. As part of my bday celebration, I did a girls weekend in NYC. Much prep went into it. I waxed all the body parts and shaved those that I didn’t wax (*nods at finger knuckles and toe knuckles*) I planned (read: did the purchase/return cycle so much that the Frug’s head is going to spin around) outfits. I had fresh highlights, a haircut, I even tinted my brows!

Oh, and for my big Saturday night out, we had the Glam Squad come to do blowouts and makeup!

Result?

Middle aged soccer mom.

*sighs*

Actually, according to the sainted Ashlee, I looked like a “middle aged gym teacher“…which is much, much better, right?

*sighs*

I mean, if I can’t groom and retail my way to a youthful glow, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Accept it?

No.

Hell no.

HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP MMMMEEEEEE!

 

In Non-Shocking News…

All the major sites are reporting that Bruce Jenner IS transitioning into a woman. This is truly NOT A SHOCK. It’s been pretty obvious, right? I started making note of it back in Jan of 2012!

He’s going to have a series (of course he is) documenting all of it. Well, that’s one way to handle it! lol Right in the public eye, like a good Kardashian!

Good luck to you, Bruce. Seriously. This is some major shit and having the world staring at you cannot be easy. (so let’s make it into a TV show! Sigh)

Adventures in Hoarding — Make-up Edition

Make-up. I love it. Always have. When I was in elementary school I started wearing blush. Now, most girls have to sneak it or hide it from their moms. Not I. My own mother gave me a Coty pink blush stick when I was maybe 10 years old. Yes, I was that pale. lol

Over the years, I’ve developed what The Frug would call a “problem.” Disagree. It’s a collection. A hobby, if you will. He collects beer cans, I collect shades of brown eye shadow. Samesies.

One thing I do have a problem with is unpacking. Oh, and make-up bags. And unpacking make-up bags. Decided to empty out the 5+ bags I’ve never unpacked from various trips. Also cleared out my “under the bathroom sink” area, misc. shopping bags in the computer room, and a mysterious box I’ve had on my bedside table for years.

Result?

makeup

 

This isn’t all of it. I know I have more make-up and misc. beauty products somewhere. This is the iceberg but there’s more “tip” somewhere! (but where??)

Such a collection. I’m not a snob. There are drugstore items from ELF that are like $1 each and then there’s the high end stuff from Guerlain and Creme de La Mer. (samples only of La Mer b/c holyshitpricey)

The most interesting thing I found was this:
pie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, that’s a plastic MdDonald’s apple pie. What of it?? Most people have them.

Here’s an interesting bit of miscellany:

random

The pie, a flower pin made by one of the kids in 2008, a cat collar (and Fiona was never, ever going to wear that!), a key chain from a long-forgotten drunk fest on the Eastern Shore circa 1999 maybe?, and a cheerleading pin from the 80s.

Huh. Hoarding? Nah.

So, here are some numbers to chew on:

Hair products – 17

Teeth – 5

Deodorants- 4

Body/tanning/lotions – 22 (and 6 temp tatts! lol)

Nails – 16

Face – masks/creams/lotions – 34

Face – concealers/ bb creams/other – 12

Mascara – 8

Bronzer/ blush/ luminizers – 21

Eyes –  43

Lip – 41

So, 229. Hmm. And yet still not enough.

 

 

 

Programming Note

If you’re accessing this via kellybexblog.com, please don’t!! I moved the blog to kellysuperficial.com a year or so ago!! The little rerouter thingy expired a long time ago too!

However, for some unknown reason, when I do a post from my phone, it posts to kellybexblog. *sighs* Fixing this asap.

Anyway.

Please head over kellysuperficial.com and sign up to be a Superficial Sister to get all the latest nonsense from me!

And It’s DONE

Dear God. Spent the last few days re-doing Master Pedro’s room. Nothing fancy, just moved a larger bed into his room, rearranged the furniture, got some new “teen” bedding, etc.

EXHAUSTING!

We took a queen bed we had in the guest room (frugal) and moved Pedro’s old twin bed in there. You should have seen the misc. stuff we found under the old beds. For example, an old National Enquirer’s “Worst Beach Bodies” magazine from 2009. All kinds of old dog bones. *shudders*  One shoe that’s been missing for years. In Pedro’s room? An Easter basket, with some candy and empty wrappers. Please note we haven’t been home for Easter in probably 6 years. *shudders*

Now, the 5’7″ inch teen can spread out while he sleeps. The 105 lb dog? Not so much. He is currently in full-on pout over it. He is lying beside it with the saddest puppy dog eyes…  I am a crazy animal person so I am rather worried about the poor dog being traumatized over the reduced bed size. lol

Just look at him! Poor angel.  (ignore all the random crap on the floor — the guest room is in transition. Ahem)

otisbed

Oooh! Fun Stuff in People StyleWatch!

Anyone else eagerly await the monthly People StyleWatch?? My fave is the one with all the spring previews. This month’s was good too though.

Could this replace Botox? Probably not but it’s worth a try, right?! It’s “only” $89 so…

wrinkle

I have already tried this. It says it will keep you dry for 48 hours. Hmph. Maybe not for the perimenopausal. It goes on dry though which is nice. I’d say it’s the best of the “super power” antiperspirants that I’ve tried (and I have tried them ALL)…

dove

Just in time for Valentine’s Day!

lips

Love this. Tinted lip oil??!! Sounds sheer and hydrating. YSL is super swanky too. A must! ysl

Lash extension kit? Yay! Sounds easy to use. I’m concerned about the potential for severe clumping BUT for $15, it’s a must try.

lashes

Now, this?? A fake brow piercing kit?? Um, okay. So much to do with your brows these days… This would be fun for a goth costume, I s’pose.

piercings

 

 

Illness Musing

I’ve been sick for FOREVER! *sniffles* The latest iteration is an ear infection (what? Am I 4?) and general nausea and GI pain.

Foodies look away. The only food that is making me feel better is Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. No organic, free range nonsense. Gimme the sodium and yellow food dye, baby! Oh, and Saltines. Only the old school Premium brand with salt. No whole wheat or unsalted tops, thank you very much.

The only complaint with this salty comfort panacea is the whatthehellisthat chewy “chicken” cubes. What part of the chicken is that? Why so chewy?! Aahhhh

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