STAY OFF THE ROADS!

Well, it’s happened. Sarcasmo is on the road. Solo. Really, really don’t know how to handle it. This morning, instead of yelling at him to finish up his breakfast NOW because we’re going to be late, he was finished first. Packed up his stuff, got in his car, drove to school. I don’t know what to do. I mean, not that long ago, this is the kid who did NOT have to poop, was absolutely NOT POOPING and yet was actually pooping behind the closed door of our pantry. This is the kid who couldn’t stand seams in his socks or striped ANYTHING because they were “so itchy.” Now he’s like, a human who can drive a car?? WHAT?

*sighs*

It’s happening, isn’t it? The process of leaving the nest. I know college is still a little less than 2 years away BUT. It’s happening. I AM NOT READY.

Except when I am. When I’m begging him to “empty the dishwasher, for the love of God!” Or, “put your @$$* clothes away!” Etc.

We had this convo the other day about college and beyond:

Me: I expect phone calls and texts, dammit.

The Frug: I called my parents once a week. (said proudly)

Me: ONCE A WEEK?

Sarcasmo: What? That’s not enough??

Me: NO, DAMMIT. You weight 10 and 1/2 pounds at birth! I deserve more than a token weekly phone call.

Sarcasmo: Uh, I guess I could text you.

Me: *flips a table*

Hell, I’ll probably just be yelling down the stairs for him. Or calling him in the boomerang house in the yard. (yes, this is a thing.)

Dishwasher Don’ts

*heavy sigh*

Our dishwasher is such a thorn in my side. We have gone through 5+ dishwashers in 16 years. THEY ALL SUCK. Last week, after waiting 2 weeks(!), the repair guys came to install a new control board panel thingy. All good, right? Nope, they then proceeded to break the latch that seals the dishwasher. Kill. Me. Now. “Oh, we will order the part and come back soon.” “Soon“, naturally, is a relative term.

I am forced to handwash all dishes. A) ME B) HANDWASH C) ONLY ME and D) eff that.

We’ve been eating simple foods. Easily clean-up-able foods. No spaghetti. No tacos. No sauces of any kind. (which is how I like to live my life)

Well, “we” is not the Frug. Nope. Yesterday, he decided to make his version of “Chicago Dogs” for lunch. Hours later here’s what I found in the sink for ME to HANDWASH:

  • Plate with hardened pools of relish, mustard, ketchup, and clumps of celery salt.
  • Cup of beans
  • Cup of 4 day old spinach
  • Bowl of cottage cheese *shudders* CURDS. Curds. Dear God.
  • Glass that had contained tomato juice. (looks like dried blood in glass)
  • Also in sink were slivers of hot dog buns that he had cut off to make his “skinny” rolls. Of course, the bread was water logged goo.

REDRUM.

All this being at one with my dirty dishes has me wondering about certain “healthy” foods. Oatmeal, for example. It is like GLUE. If you leave an oatmeal bowl in the sink without running water in it, it REFUSES to come clean (unless one scrubs vigorously – which annoys me). If it’s like that in a bowl, what is it doing in our bodies?? It’s supposed to clean you out, not stop you up! Peanut butter. You’d think something with that much fat would slide right off the knife. Nope. SCRUBBING.  Cereal flakes. They become one with the bowl. HOW?

Welp, no more time for writing. Must go wash the @(&$(&%# dishes.

 

He Gets It

Had an amazing moment with Sarcasmo the other day. These are increasingly rare, since I generally want to duct tape his mouth and lock him in the basement…

Anyway.

He is EXTREMELY excited about finally being able to drive. He’s a year younger than most of his friends, so he’s had to be envious of their cars and perceived “freedom” for quite some time. On the 12th, he should have his official license and be on the roads solo. #youvebeenwarned Naturally, this increases my anxiety and my Ishallimagine1038405scenariosofdoom.

Sarcasmo: OMG Mom. I cannot wait til I can finally drive.

Me: Where do you think you’ll even be going?? You’ll still need to ask, you that that.

Sarcasmo: I don’t even know. I could go anywhere. Maybe I’d drive to 711 and buy a bottle of water, if I wanted. Maybe I’d just drive around and listen to music.

Me: Um, okay. (the kid has big dreams, apparently)

Sarcasmo: Sometimes I just can’t handle being trapped in this house for even one more minute.

Me: *nods*

Me: *staring into his eyes* Dude, why do you think I run so many “errands”?

Both: *nodding*

A moment of perfect understanding between the generations.

Shattered moments later by me.

“Alright, now empty the dishwasher,”

OMG MOM!!!

 

Wait, what’s today’s date?

Aaaaannnnnddddd just like that it’s “Holiday Season.” Halloween is over. Thanksgiving is in like, 20 days and then Christmas, maybe 25 days later. It’s ridiculous. I don’t even know where the time is going!!! This Halloween made me reflect on my shortcomings. Well, not all of them. We only have a few paragraphs here. haha

Anyway.

Not that long ago, when my kids were little, I would be on the Internet, in August or something crazy, researching the very best, the most expensive (of course!) costumes that would capture the joy of Halloween and the kids’ latest passions.  Now, Sarcasmo is “too old” to go trick or treating and he refuses to wear a costume or even help pass out candy. I think he actually said “OMG MOM. I refuse to come upstairs during trick or treating!” (and there I am thinking “this is the 2nd to last Halloween you’ll be home!!” *cries*)  Wait, actually that’s that’s wrong. He would dress up, only for school if they have a dress down day. BUT, this year in order to dress up for Halloween you had to pay $5.  Apparently, this money didn’t go to a charity and it was a half day. My frugal teen *snorts* said “it’s only for four hours and paying $5 for 4 hours is a rip off.” If I went to  Catholic school and wore a uniform daily, I would pay whatever they wanted to be able to NOT for a day. And, let’s face it, it’s not like the kids is paying with his own money.

Okay. Wait, where was I?  Ah, yes. My failures. So, the night before Halloween I ended at the costume store at 7 o’clock with Pedro. Why?? I don’t know why I waited that long! Sea of humanity in there. Smelly humanity. And risked our lives in the parking lot with all the crazies.  But, we have his costume sorted. Master Chef Pedro. A costume available at retail, no crafty nonsense required from Slacker Mom.

Then on the 31st, I realized I have not purchased a pumpkin!! In years past, we would all go as a family and select the very best pumpkin.  This year, it was just me riding around scouring empty pumpkin patches, empty church parking lots, empty nurseries. I finally found one though.  Unfortunately, it was slightly rotten and broke open in my car. *sighs* The Frug made the best of it and did a stellar job carving it. I guess my point is  – what has happened to me???  I used to be, not the world’s greatest mom, but I was on it, kwim?  Now? I don’t even know.

All this self-reflection is making me hungry. Hopefully Pedro hid his candy stash well… *begins hunt*

Please take a moment to enjoy the fruits of the Frug’s labor. He was inspired by The Scream and hampered by the giant rotting hole he had to use for the mouth!photo copy 2

Sent from my iPhone

Kbrucey Khardashian

Okay. At some point the Kardashians are going to have to address what is going on with Bruce, right?? He’s obviously in some sort of ” transition.” He and Kris are divorcing…is it because he’s becoming a woman? Is he?? Is he going to be a full on transsexual or maybe he’s just a drag queen?? I read a nasty story about Bruce on the golf course. One golfer was shouting “where’s your dick?” at Bruce (insinuating that Bruce has had his um, removed as part of his transition to becoming a woman.) Bruce replied “it’s right here but I haven’t used it in 20 years.” Oh my.

Is he going to be a lesbian after he becomes a woman?? He doesn’t seem like he likes dudes. SO MANY QUESTIONS!! They can’t continue to ignore it. I mean, these people live their lives on TV. They want the publicity. Tell us what’s going on!

I refuse to believe he’s just let himself go and has the soft body with moobs. This man was an Olympic athlete — there’s no way he just let himself go like that. And then there’s the other evidence like the long hair and red polish and and and…

TELL US!

Sent from my iPhone

College “Tools”

Hold me.

Just went to a college fair with Sarcasmo. Did they have such things when we were in school??? Surely not. I took the PSAT and then the SAT and colleges sent me stuff. Boom. I grew up in PA so the natural route was “go to Penn State.”  Not for me tho. I was given a 5 hour radius from the (beautiful) Poconos and I went exactly 5 hours away. DC baby. Boston was too cold. lol

Anyway, the college “process” (read in Brit voice — PRO-cess) is daunting. Especially for the average white boy. Good grades, not great. Not an athlete. Not creating apps in his spare time. Not volunteering with under-privileged youth. No interesting character building “troubles” or “obstacles surmounted” kwim???  aaaavvveeerrrraaaagggggeeeee. Hopefully not destined for video gaming in his underwear in our basement for good.

Sigh.

Anyway.

The little tables with brochures and the ubiquitous pens gave me flashbacks to my computer trade show days. We also gave out Cadbury Eggs back in the day. Remember those? With the disgusting white and yellow “yolk” made of sugar and lard. *shudders and yet craves too*

Was thinking of great college giveaway items for the moms, because who needs another damn pen????

Tiny portable fans for our hot flashes.

Tissues and towels (truly terrible towels) for our tears and menopausal sweat.

#sexy

Eff Fall

I mean, WHY DO PEOPLE LOVE FALL??

<insert scowling emoji here>

Eff fall.

Yeah, yeah, I like sweaters. I like yoga pants. I LOVE boots.

I like pumpkin — pie only, not anything weird “pumpkin spiced.” And adding that to coffee?  White girls iz weird.

Football games? Sure, they’re fun. No reason they can’t play when it’s warm out.

Back to school? Kids out of the house all day.  Yeah, that’s nice. In theory. In reality, it’s just Mama Taxi Time. Starts at 6:45am and ends some days at 8:30pm. This is “supposed” to get better once Sarcasmo has his full driver’s license. I  don’t know. It seems like that will just bring me more anziety. Trust me, I do NOT need more anxiety. My brain churns up more stuff to worry about each minute.

What else?

I dislike leaves. Yeah, they’re pretty but come on, who likes raking? Who likes the horrible piles of leaves that kids jump in — never realizing that every cat and dog in a 5 mile radius has pissed on it.  Who likes the leaves left on the street that are as slick as ice when it rains?? Huh? Huh?? WHO DOES?

I dislike the cold. Even a little cold. If I have to put the heat on in my car, that’s IT. It’s the start of dry skin season and weird indoor heat induced facial flushing. REJECT.

Fall is like a seasonal harbinger of DOOM. Because…what’s next? Winter. *spits*

Best said by Ned Stark. #RIP

Top Scents of Summer

Coppertone
Chlorine
Ocean
Freshly cut grass
Fried chicken
Onion rings
Funnel cakes
Waffle cones

Basically, my custom scent would pretty much be “Boardwalk.” #classy

What is going on??

It’s 9:30am. I’ve been up since dawn. (okay, 6:45am) I’ve taken Sarcasmo to school. Ate steel cut oats with a splash of coconut milk. Pooped. Washed and FOLDED 2 loads of laundry. Emptied and reloaded the dishwasher. Ordered new school shoes for 12. Walked the dog. About to head to the gym. Oh, and I’m WRITING.

It’s like I’m in some alternate, horrible universe. Planet Productivia or some nonsense.

HELP ME, JESUS!

WHO STOLE MY SUMMER?

Welp, it’s over. DONE. *curses*

Today is Sarcasmo’s first day of school (junior year — God help me) so that means up early. Ass crack of dawn. Sleeping in is OVAH.

Actually, yesterday wasn’t a Kelly day either. Started off at the gas station getting Sarcasmo’s car (you read that right) inspected, then off to the godforsaken DMV for 2 hours, and finished off the day by cleaning the cat litter box. *sighs deeply*

But, back to WHERE DID MY SUMMER GO?  I mean, I have some vague memories of fun times. There was a trip to Mexico…2 trips to the beach…24 hours in NYC…countless hours at the pool (note to self — make appt to have sun barnacles blasted off at the dermo), the Frug’s bday, Sarcasmo’s bday…but.. but…

But…it’s freaking FALL. Stupid pumpkin spice nonsense is already out there. The @($&(&% Halloween candy is in stores already too!

I think I am just so scarred by last winter’s endless cold and monotony…can’t help but worry that I’m facing another frigid, carb-fueled, fat-loaded suckfest.

I am CHEERY today, folks!  Nonstop giggles.